How are you? Is Ms. Claus good? I hope the reindeer are well. How’s the sleigh? Is it ready? Are the runners smooth?
Then go, man, go!
I’m fine. Thanks for asking. And Ms. Claus is not just good, she’s GREAT! The reindeer are also doing well. They get so excited this time of year. The sleigh is ready, the runners are waxed, I’ve got a nice thermos of hot cider stashed aboard and I’m ready to go. I’ll be by your house later this evening. Be good until then!
Later,
SC
Would you mind not stopping up the terlit this year, jolly man?
Dear Santa,
This year I’m leaving you cottage cheese. I don’t want to be a part of your obesity lawsuit, when you claim that you’re grossly overweight from eating all those cookies that people leave by the fireplace.
Sorry 'bout that. It’s all that milk and cookies the kids leave out. Lactose intolerance and all, you know. I’d much rather a nice shot of bourbon and a slice of pecan pie…mmmmm, pie! Oh, well, beggars can’t be choosers, and it does make the little ones so happy when I eat whatever they leave out. Sometimes I do feed it to the dog, though, but they don’t need to know that now do they.
Be good,
SC
Oh, please Skelji, not cottage cheese. One thing I hate worse than gallons of milk is milk products gone bad. If you don’t have any bourbon, a nice snifter of brandy will help warm an old man’s heart through a cold winter’s journey.
Love ya,
SC
BTW, please understand if I can’t stay current with this thread today. I am on duty now, so to speak. I’m actually underway, starting in the East and working my way west, with a nice little north-south zigzag thrown in. I have my trusty laptop in the sleigh with me and a wireless NIC, so I will check in as time and network connections permit.
Later,
SC
Santa:
To help you on your weight loss goal, I am leaving you a coupon for a high colonic and a Yoga video.OK, that’s one sack of ashes and switches and a big lump of coal for Hastur. Anybody else?
SC
Santa:
I am sorry my first offering did not help and please you on your weight loss goal.
Please accept this token of a hooker, some fine hash, and a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Dear Santa,
I guess I’ll have to eat that orange cheesecake with chocolate wafer crust and cranberry topping myself. 
I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised with what I can do with tofu though. I’ve been tweaking the recipe, and it’s almost there. It goes great with the glass of carrot juice I’ll be leaving you.
To your health,
Fiz “I’ve been good, I’ve been very very good” Gig
Dear Santa,
Forget the cottage cheese. You’re right, that stuff’s just nasty, and you’ve got enough work to do without having to stop and crap every 30 minutes.
Since you’re still fat this year, could you shimmy and shake while you slide down my chimney? Better yet, pretend you’re at a pool and just do a cannonball. I’ve got some creosote build-up, and I figured that your girth combined with the fur-trimmed suit would save a call to the chimney sweep.
I’ll leave a full bottle of Wild Turkey Gold Label and a glass on the mantle. You’ve got 8 (or 9) designated drivers, right? Take the whole bottle, and have a good time.
All right Hastur and Skelji, now you’re getting with the program! I don’t know how all this “health consciousness” cr*p gets started. I mean, you only live once, right? So what if, in my case, it’s been for several hundred years so far? A man’s got to have some fun on occasion! 
And fizgig, don’t worry yourself about that cheesecake, now. I don’t mind the occasional soured dairy product if it’s been properly combined with other ingredients and cooked a bit. You can keep the carrot juice, though. Unless, of course, you’d care to add a splash of vodka and some hot sauce to it. Mmmmm.
Oh yeah, Skelji, consider the chimney cleaned. It’s just one of those extra little perks I give folks while I’m doing my real job.
Later,
SC
Santa! Santa!
::stands up::
Is there any truth about the rumor of your (ahem) relationship with your elves?
Say it ain’t so!
Ms Clause? Any comment?
Jake, Jake, Jake, son, you can’t be believing every piece of idle gossip that may pass your ears. The elves and I have enjoyed a wonderful working relationship for a number of centuries now. Some may call it somewhat patriarchal, but it works for us.
What? Oh, did you mean to say Elvis?
SC
Dear Santa,
I’ve been a good girl this year, though I haven’t been by to see you. Will I still get nice presents even if I haven’t sat on your lap in a while? 
I have several bottles of good wine and a bottle of vanilla schnapps - take your pick.
Merry Christmas
Well, Slainte, you are indeed on my “Nice List” and therefore are entitled to a variety of nice trinkets and baubles. Of course, if you were to come hop up on old Stana Claus’s lap I can pretty much guarantee you’ll get a much bigger surprise!
SC
Yule Log
He’s over England!