Dear Santa,

The BBQ Pit
1

Dear Santa,
I’ve been very, very naughty again this year. I know we haven’t been on the best of terms, but eventually I think you have to put that unfortunate business with the wires from the heated gutters behind you. You only really need five or six reindeer to tote your ass anyway.

I’d like to get back onto your free-stuff list this year. I doubt anyone has given serious thought to randomly placing giant 50-foot wide Kevlar spider webs throughout neighborhoods in the north eastern US, but it is a technically possible. Please depend on me to be your anti-Kevlar web insurance in exchange for the following presents:

  1. The guy down the road… the one wintering his 40 foot boat in the street this year: I know that this is really more of a Christmas miracle than a gift, but please remove his dick and graft it to the center of his forehead where it belongs.

  2. I can’t find the 2nd Paris Hilton all-girl video anywhere. A DVD would be great.

  3. Evil hacker turned paid evil hacker, Mark Ishikawa’s head – shrunken by a headhunter, bronzed, and hanging on my tree as an ornament.

  4. I’d like to the ability to shoot death-rays out of my eyes at anyone who bangs into me while lugging a larger-than-allowable carryon bag down the airplane aisle. Red death-rays are preferable to sissy green.

  5. Ashley Judd. If you think it would be cute to play the Winona trick on me a second time, think again. I clearly printed Ashley.

  6. A magic LCD high definition television. By magic, I mean that it should: magically filter out any and all coverage of Michael Jackson, have an extra magic channel that shows only Extreme Elimination Challenge (without repeats), and comes with a remote that allows me to fire plasma bolts at Fox News personalities FPS video game style.

There’s more to follow, but I’ll forward on the list for stocking stuffers under separate cover.
Thanks a ton!
Waverly

2

Is that “1920’s Style Death Rays”?

:wink: :smiley:

3

By all means, put those skanky-ass binches on DVD. And take them the fuck off of broadcast TV.

“HAHAHA, they’re pretty but incompetant! Comedy gold!”

4

I can’t believe you didn’t ask for World Peace. That way, while everyone is busy holding hands and singing, you could find a board with a nail in it and take over the world.

5

Basda: No, the '20’s style death-ray is the green one.

6

I thought the 1920’s death ray was more of an off orange…

7

Dear Santa,

This year, I would like a special key added to my keyboard. It would grant me the power to instantly electrocute anyone who mentions 1920s STYLE DEATH RAYS!!!

8

Weren’t death rays in black and white in the 1920’s?

-lv

9

Clearly, we are not looking at the same young women.

10

Yes, but they turned color in the 1930s, like everything else. And it was pretty grainy color for a while, too.

11

So very, very naughty. “Santa” is coming to give you a spanking.

12

Can I have the duplicate? I too would much rather have Ashley, but a Winona is ok in a pinch…

13

I want PEACE!

OK, that was silly…how about a flat-screen TV?

14

You sure?