Dear Taliban...

Dear Sirs,

It is high time you got a fucking clue as to what is happening around you and act accordingly.

The United States was attacked this past Tuesday and man… are they ever pissed off. Most of the people from every nation on earth are equally pissed off as people from every nationality and faith were murdered in this cowardly attack. This kind of shit doesn’t go over well anywhere no matter what faith you follow.

Your golden boy Osama is suspect #1 and the world expects that you give him up, NOW.

Your protestations that he was not involved and his protestations that he wasn’t involved in this attack mean jack squat. The fact that he has admitted to other terrorist actions sounds like a confession of guilt to me.

If you had read your Qu’ran you would know that the killing of innocents is forbidden and by doing this he deserves to be punished. You must have read a different version than me and all the other good Muslims out there. Perhaps someone could loan you a copy or you could just ask the Muslim Guy, he could give you some insight into what Islam is and isn’t.

I can tell you that whatever religion you practice, it isn’t Islam. Muslims do not oppress and kill their people, deal in drugs, or support the actions of known criminals such as bin Laden. You are nothing more than a bunch of hoodlums using religion as a cover for your criminal activities.

Threatening the west with Jihad was pretty fucking stupid, if you’re going to bluff you should really have more than a pair of deuces in your hand. Gambling with your own lives is one thing but the stakes in this game are much higher as your refusal would involve the citizens of Afghanistan as well. Don’t expect that they will be supporting you either, if you have to fight an invading army you won’t be able to point your guns at them anymore. This will give them the the opportunity to rise up and kick the ever loving fuck out of you too. Payback is a bitch ain’t it?

You do realize that your days are numbered and the good people of Afghanistan can look forward to you guys getting your pink slips, right? I would advise that you leave them out of this as they have suffered enough under your totalitarian rule and we will take great offense if you harm a single hair on their heads.

Your friends (or should I say ex-friends) in Pakistan are coming by tomorrow to ask that you give up bin Laden, they realize that your refusal to do so will have dire consequences so listen to what they have to say. They know what’s coming if you don’t become 100% cooperative.

Are you really up to taking on everyone? I think not since I just heard that many of you are running for the hills.

It might be hard for this note to reach as I don’t think many of you will be leaving a forwarding address.

Your hand sucks, your bluff has failed. A wise gambler would have folded long ago. You should too.

Sincerely, Feynn.

Excellent, Feynn. What do I owe you on postage to that mountain cave, anyway?

Oh, and did you think you were talking to rational people by any chance? Hunh uh. Bad gamblers too. Makes me wonder how much ObL paid for 'em, and whether they got paid up front. {{laughs}}

According to NPR, CNN, and just about every news organization I have heard/seen in the past 3 days the Afghan people who can afford it are leaving the country befor the shit hits the fan. Those who can’t afford it are getting out of Kabul. Hopefully they will be able to return to a country without the Taliban or al Qiban(sp?) in a few months.

Over and above the doubts of anyone still not too sure as to who set the orders to attack the US last week – the Taliban showed their hand when they sent suicide bombers in to kill Ahamad Shah Masood. In Bin Laden style. With cowardice.

It would appear the Taliban wish to commit suicide in more ways than one …

NaSultainne -

The postage on this looks like it’s going to run in the neighbourhood of a million dollars, stinger missiles are expensive and there’s always an extra charge for same day service.

But but…

Afghanistan is one of the major producers of heroin. If we hit them, it’ll drive the price of smack way up.

Does no one speak for the street junkie?

No one?

Okay, then, take 'em out. But let’s not be hasty. Noon tomorrow will be fine.

I have never heard it put better.

And we have missiles that go deep into mountains and caves. Really deep. And then go bang.

We also have special forces that are begging for the chance to be unleashed. Osama and The Gang will see just how savage this normally peace-loving nation can be if they are.

Actually, drug dealling is one charge I won’t lay at the Taliban’s feet. They have, in fact, damn-near crippled the Afganni economy by wiping out the cultivation of opium poppies wherever they can.

Excellent, Feynn.

Once the Taliban is gone mebbe an average Afghan can actually go fly a kite, another Talinono currently in place.

Dear Taliban,

I apologize for calling you drug dealers in my earlier letter, I was informed today that the production of poppies was ended by you administration last year. Whether or not a crippling drought had anything to do with your decision is known only to you.

I would also like to know how much money you made in the decade before you stopped producing opium.

I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and hope that you realized that the production of opium went against the holy scriptures. Perhaps you will be able to read a little deeper and find the part where it says the murder of innocents is forbidden.

There’s still time for you guys to straighten out your act.
72 hours wasn’t it?

You can get a lot done in 72 hours, I had three days off and managed to do countless loads of laundry, wash tons of dishes, and clean the disaster area that is my home. I even found time to shop.

You shouldn’t have any problem getting bin Laden’s bags packed and have him sent on his way in 72 hours. If you can’t, your place is going to look a hell of a lot worse than mine.



Dear Taliban,

Hope you got my letter, and I pray that you can make it better down here. I don’t mean a big reduction in the price of beer, but the people that you made in your image…sorry 'bout that, wrong addressee.

Dear Taliban,

I’m not American myself, but I think what they’re trying to say is:

If you give up Bin Laden and his entire organisation right now there is a small chance that the US won’t come after your government as well.

If you make the US go in after him then they will definitely go after you as well.

Really, we could all do without this hassle.

Its your call…

The Taliban just answered your letter.

They’ve declared a Jyhad on the US.

They just screwed themselves.

Before my first day of high school, all new students were addressed by the Dean of Discipline, Mr. Perreira (we called him Mr. P.).

His basic message was this:

More than six years later that same message holds true.

Oh, and dear old Taliban? Could you please tell us when was the last time we lost a war in which we were attacked first? My knowledge of American History is kinda shitty; I don’t recall one.

Pardon me?

Ahem . . . excuse me?

Could I ask you boys to stop waving your flags and beating your drums long enough to listen to me for just a minute?

Have any of you noticed that some of the military Dopers seem to have disappeared? Vehemently posting for several days, then suddenly dead silent? Do you hear a hint sneaking up on you?

I gave up on CNN, ABC, etc. several days ago, and started reading Reuters and other non-USA news sites. I highly recommend that you do so, too, as there is a scarier story out there than what you are getting from US news sources.

We are possibly looking at WWIII - not another Vietnam, not another Gulf War, but a true, serious, deadly international struggle that is going to cost thousands - hundreds of thousands - possibly millions - of lives. Before you pick up that flag and drumstick again, take the time to look up some Mom whose son is in the military, give her a big hug, and offer your sympathy in advance, okay? Promise her you’ll be there to hold her hand when they send her son home in a body bag.

This ain’t gonna be no Desert Storm - despite the general non-acceptance of the Taliban government, there is a hell of a lot of sympathy out there for Afghanistan, which is in pretty damn desperate condition. We walked on eggshells during the Gulf War to maintain a delicate balance in the Middle East - one wrong move would have turned allies or fence sitters into enemies. Desert Storm was tolerated to the extent we prosecuted it because the other countries feared Hussein’s aggression - if he got away with Kuwait, who would be next? Our position is not as ‘justified’ now as it was then - killing a few thousand helpless, starving civilians might be enough to turn the majority of the Moslem countries against us. And there is the whole very strong shared-religion factor to take into account, involving people with very deep religious beliefs and a willingness to feel persecuted for, and distinguish themselves in defense of, their religion. Think Jihad.

Iran stated today that they would not support any military action by the US - you can read about this one at CNN. When asked if they were worried about being targeted as terrorist-supporters, the answer was that the international and Islamic community ‘will not buy that’. Put a little emphasis on ‘Islamic Community’ - and think Jihad.

Another consideration: Afghanistan is looking more and more like a huge black hole waiting for some enterprising nation to rush in and fill it. Despite their pitiful condition and current internal rebellion, no one local wants to try taking Afghanistan by conventional methods - not only was the lesson taught Russia well-learned, but any attempt by one country to move in on Afghanistan is going to bring the rest of the Middle East to Afghanistan’s defense. If they were willing to tolerate and even support the US in order to drive them out of Kuwait, do you think they will sit quietly by while Iraq, for example, takes over Afghanistan?

However, after the US softens them up a little, some kindly neighbor might offer to send in a ‘peace-keeping force’ to ‘stabilize the government’ and ‘aid the suffering populace’. (I wouldn’t doubt that this is one reason Saddam Hussein is suddenly being so friendly and helpful.) The other Mid East countries aren’t going to see this as a good thing - one more reason to oppose any military action by the US, as it is likely to seriously jeopardize the status quo and plunge the entire Mid East into war.

Tajikistan has refused us staging bases, apparently because they don’t trust Russia not to take advantage of the situation and somehow ‘absorb’ them. I can think of several reasons why Russia might actually encourage US military action in Afghanistan - despite their words of sympathy and support (undoubtedly sincere on the part of the individual citizens), the government is surely quietly gloating over our situation, since we helped Afghanistan kick them out a few years ago. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind getting their hands back on Afghanistan, either, if for no other reason than pride. Things could get a little touchy there.

Any sort of disruption in the Middle East is going to seriously endanger the world’s oil supply - when fuel prices start skyrocketing, how many of our somewhat-reluctant allies are going to continue backing us? A quick wham-bam-thankyouma’am operation won’t be too big a deal - a long protracted struggle involving several countries is going to become real unpopular real quick. The US can go from ‘the good guys’ to ‘the bad guys’ in world opinion overnight.

And we’ve put Pakistan in a hell of a position - and it looks like they may have returned the favor. Do you think Pakistan is being so helpful because they love us, and love justice? Hell no - they are dependent on the US to bail them out of their ‘troubles’, and the price of a bail-out is cooperation. Which is going to be seen by the Taliban (and other Arab states) as a betrayal, because Pakistan also assisted, advised, and supported Afghanistan in driving the Russians out, and of course is one of the few countries to recognize the Taliban government.

Not a great way to win friends and influence people.

And Pakistan is Johnny-on-the-spot - while the US is beating drums and putting on their warpaint, Pakistan is facing massing Afghani troops on their border. Reports last night say troops are now massing on both sides of the border.

Pakistan has nuclear weapons.

And it looks like Pakistan may have made the situation much worse, either deliberately (maybe to pay back the US for putting them in this position, maybe because they see some advantage for themselves) or through a misunderstanding - news sources say that on Monday, Pakistan told the Taliban that they had 3 days to hand over bin Laden; today Colin Powell said he was unaware of such a deadline and it certainly wasn’t made on behalf of the US.


It sure looks like the Taliban believes the bombs will start falling Thursday and are panicking. Refugees are fleeing the cities, and the country, if possible, in droves; Taliban members are declaring Jihad while getting the hell out of Dodge themselves.

And some very nervous headlines are starting to show up: “Indonesia Muslim Group Threatens To Hit US Embassy” “China wants UN approval of any US strikes”“Allies Supportive but Wary Over U.S. Response
Washington’s key allies have continued to pledge support for its war on terror but many are cool on strikes against Afghanistan and fear an escalation on religious or regional lines.” etc., etc.

The world is scared shitless, guys.

To add the frosting to the cake: "Ashcroft says more attacks may be planned. Asked how concerned he is about “another attack”, Ashcroft said “Very.” (CNN)

And people are talking about missing ‘suitcase nukes’.

I live 20 miles from a little-known chemical weapons storage facility, a place that, during the Cold War, was consistently on the top 10 or top 20 ‘hit list’.

I’m scared shitless, too.

Okay, sorry this was so long - you can carry on now. I just thought I’d inject a little reality into this thread, as it seemed to be acquiring sort of a party atmosphere. Don’t want anyone to get confused and forget there is some serious shit going on.

Dear Taliban,

I got up this morning and got my wife off to school, she is attending college to attain a bachelors degree in science. This must shock you. I know that you are opposed to the education of women but I do not know of any basis for this edict you have passed except that you seek to oppress the women of your country by keeping them ignorant.

Does the Qu’ran not say that men and women are equal? Does it not also say that women are to be accorded the respect a man would expect for himself? By discriminating against the women of your country you once again demonstrate to me that you are not followers of the faith. Allah is love and he is all forgiving, turn away from this path and you will surely be forgiven.

Mr. Omar, I do not believe I have ever seen anyone with their head so far up their ass as yourself, you are in a deep hole and that hole continues to get deeper and deeper. It is time that you and those around you let go of that irrational hatred for non-Muslims and see things as they really are. Your calls for Jihad and hopes that the Muslim world will rise up against the Christians and Jews is again, contrary to the teachings of the Qu’ran and really, just pissing into the winds of the desert.

It doesn’t seem that as many people as you think in the Muslim world will support you if you declare Jihad. Pakistan and Iran said they will not support you because they realize that this is not a war against Islam, it is a war against those who would take innocent lives. The world is weary of these people and has finally come together and agreed that the terror must stop.

Saddam Hussein is one of the only people who seems to be on your side but really, would you take advice from him?

You have been asked to hand over Osama bin Laden and let’s make this perfectly clear, this is not because he is a Muslim but because he is a terrorist, a criminal, and a cancer on society.

You must understand war better than I do. You must have seen first hand the devastation that it brings and mourned the death of your own. I have never been subjected to war, my country has been at peace for a long time despite the fact we live next to the great satan. I say that in jest as Americans, once you get to know them, are pretty good people.

Peace is addictive, once you have it you want more. Do not assume that this desire for peace makes us soft or weak as we will defend that peace at any cost. My countrymen have gone to war in the past to fight those who would seek to oppress us and others, we are willing to do so again. Do not confuse a willingness to fight as a desire to fight.

There was some as yet unconfirmed news that terms of bin Laden’s release have been discussed and I see this as a spark of reason in what has so far been a sea of darkness.

If these terms have been proposed I would agree that he should be turned over to Islamic authorities and fairly tried for his crimes. I think that there is a good possibility that your cooperation could result in sanctions against your people being lifted. I would be more than happy to lend aid to the citizens of Afghanistan so that they too could enjoy the luxuries I too often take for granted like food, education, and health care.

I really don’t think anyone will agree to stop funding the rebels in the north as this would give you carte blanche and really, we still think you and your cohorts are nothing more than a bunch of thugs. By reforming yourselves we might start looking at you in a better light and everyone’s lives will be the better for it.

Contrary to what you may have gathered, I am against war. I am also not an American and haven’t been doing any flag waving. I have defended Muslims here against those who would use this situation to justify hate. In my eyes, we are all brothers.

It is not inconcievable to me that if we stopped long enough to get to know each other, we might be able to get along. We may never be friends but what we do now might make it possible for our children to be friends.

Tell me that this isn’t worth it.

Actually, the Taliban set up shop as the majority gov’t of Afganistan in 1997.

And, yes, the scriptures are the reason they’ve been wiping out the opium poppies. Of course, that leaves 10’s of thousands of famers with little or no income, as wheat and other food crops planted as replacement aren’t doing well in the drought.

Much more detail on the Taliban and it’s activities here.

I had thought, nay, believed that in one area, at least, I had no issue with the Taliban: Drug Trafficing.

I was, and am, wrong.

From :

My most humble apologies to one and all. I fell for the lies, and repeated them here.

Dear Taliban,

I came home from work last night and turned on the news just in time to catch Bush’s speech and then I stayed up really late to catch your press conference.

I have only one question.

What the fuck are you guys thinking? Have you been shooting up with Heroin or what?

I listened to Shrub (that’s what people call Bush) speak to the U.S. congress and he seemed to be making himself perectly clear. I know, sometimes he doesn’t make sense but I distinctly got the impression that he asked you to turn over ALL the terrorists in your country immediately. This would of course include Osama Bin Laden. He also mentioned that there is to be no negotiation on this, hand him over or suffer his fate. In case your translators were having problems understanding him, “immediately” means right fucking now. He talks pretty slow so I don’t know how you could have missed this. Suffering the same fate as bin Laden only seems to mean one thing and it can’t be good. When Bush said he would use every tool available that’s serious. Those Americans have a really impressive tool box.

So then I stayed up watching the news for a while. The American military has been put on alert and there are a bunch of them heading in your direction. This can’t be good for any of us as they generally don’t just cruise around like this becuse they don’t have anything better to do. The shit is coming remarkably close to hitting the fan.

Then it was your turn to speak. I found your translator a little hard to understand at times but I thik I got your drift.

All praise be to Allah. I agree.

You’re sorry that this atrocity happened. Really?

You’d like the Americans to remain level headed and to be merciful. That would be up to you.

You’ve asked bin Laden to leave on his own free will. Does anyone think he’s just going to pack up and leave and if so, where the hell is he going to go? Your borders are closed and Bush made it clear that any country that takes him in will be in a shitload of trouble. Wait, maybe Hussein will take him in, if he did that would make him the most seriously fucked up leader on the planet as the Americans already have his address.

You referred to this as another Christian crusade. I admit that the crusades were pretty bad as a bunch of self righteous Christians decided that they wanted to invade the Islamic world. They got their asses kicked. But do you really think this is the case? During the crusades it was Christians vs Muslims, if you look around their are quite a number of Islamic nations who are ready to side with the “infidels” in order to rid the world of terrorists like bin Laden.

You threatened them too didn’t you? Not smart at all. Syria and Pakistan don’t want to be your friends anymore. Take a look outwards and you will see the weapons of your former neighbours pointed at YOU.

I heard the word Jihad repeated SO many times. Let me get this straight. If American troops land on your soil you expect the Muslim world to come to your aid to fight the infidels in a holy war. I understand why you would want the help, there’s an old proverb here that applies. It says “Never bring a knife to a gunfight”. Let me point out that you guys have the knife and that knives aren’t very good against people with guns… I hope you get it.

Since most of the press conference was in Arabic I’m sure it was aimed towards the Islamic world in an attempt to bring people to your side. We really don’t want a holy war here or there, this is the twenty first century and you should have learned in the twentieth century that war on a global scale isn’t a good thing.

I thought that maybe you guys would have given this a little more thought but apparently I was mistaken.

You want the U.N. to step in to deal with this situation but they already have. Do you think they imposed sanctions against you and have repeatedly asked for you to hand over bin Laden because they don’t like the way you dress? He has claimed responsibility for the murders of many innocent civilians and they would like him to answer for his crimes. The WTC attack was just anothe nail in his coffin.

What am I going to do with you guys?

Do I need to break out the clue stick? You don’t want to see that happen.