Dear Thieving Douchebag.

The BBQ Pit
1

Dear Thieving Douchebag,

I am amazed that you went to trouble of climbing a six foot high chain link fence covered in Ivy, smashed the small window of my car, took my empty lap top bag, rifled through the crap in my glove compartment, opened my shed and then didn’t bother to steal the radio. There is a perfectly good construction site nearby where you could steal copper pipes with significantly less effort. Your haul netted you a grand total of maybe $38.00.

I am incredibly pissed that I had to spend my morning getting the window replaced and playing phone tag with the DC Police. I am pissed that I am out $188.00 for the cost of the window and that frankly I am more concerned with the safety of my property. I can only be glad for a few things.

I am pretty certain that the Ivy contains poison Ivy as the one time I removed it I had a pretty bad rash. I only handle it with gloves which I throw away afterwards. I can only hope that you got it on your hands and then rubbed it on your genitals thus hopefully sterilizing yourself and ensuring that your particular DNA strain does not continue thus saving us from the dreadful possibility of your particular combination of stupidity diluting the gene pool. I hope that you spend the next few weeks in agonizing pain, I hope that you break out in painful weeping sores all over your genitalia and that you have no comfort whatsoever.

Because of you I may have to go to the police station and deal with DC’s finest in all their bureaucratic glory. My only wish is that when you get arrested for something, that you get caught by the police in PG County who most likely will fuck your shit up.

I hope that when the time comes that your lawyer is incompetent, that your trial is flawed, that you miss the deadline for appeal and that you bankrupt all that would be fool enough to care for you.

2

Man, sorry about your having to deal with the DC police… :wink:

Seriously, I’m amazed at the trouble some thieves go to for little or nothing.

3

Ouff. Sorry.

Not meant as a salt-rub, but I think it’s a bad idea to leave any sort of bag in view in the cabin of your vehicle; even plastic shopping bags containing totally valueless items are tantalizing lures for window-smashing crackheads.

4

Yeah, I generally agree although the vehicle in questions was parked behind a 6 or 7 foot high chain link fence.

In any case, I am going to clean all the crap out of the car.

5

My sister’s car was stolen repeatedly in DC. They dusted once, and the hand prints where those of a kid about 10. The DC cops told her they knew who it was, but they couldn’t do much about it. Boy, I do pity you for having to deal with them.

6

I spoke to the lady at 311 and she told me that someone from the DC Police would contact me. That was three and a half hours ago. Would anyone care to wager as to when if ever the DC police will contact me?

7

I’ll be damned. The police contacted me, sent an officer out who took a report, and was very courteous in the process. I’m just flabbergasted.