I've been fucked by an "America's Dumbest Criminals" candidate

Submitted for your approval–One Exceedingly Stupid Sumbitch.

Last Thursday, as I was getting ready to leave for counseling, I saw a note from one of my roommates sitting on my desk. Apparently, it had been left there while I was in class. It read:

Angel: call campus police. Your car’s been broken into. --GenericRoomie.”


As a result, I, in a state of panic, call the campus police. The person who answered the phone knew nothing about my car, and couldn’t find anyone who did. She suggested that I stop by later that night. So I went out to my car, expecting to see a broken window, or worse, a missing door. From a distance, I don’t see anything. Then, I try to stick my key into the doorlock on the driver’s side.

Nothing. Where my keyhole had been, there was a huge, gaping void. I look into my car–there are papers strewn around from my glove compartment, my cupholders are in pieces on the floor, and the emergency brake has been pulled up. I open the unlocked door, and do a quick inventory. All that seems to be missing is my cell phone charger and my dimes. My quarters and nickels, as well as my registration and other legal-related things, are still there. When I finally get to the police station, I found out the caught the guy who was breaking into the cars.

I file a police report last night, thank my lucky stars that they didn’t steal or demolish my car, and head home for spring break. The police officer estimates my damage to be about 100 dollars worth, probably less.

So I take my car in, and they look at it. The damage isn’t as simple as they thought. The cupholders won’t even fit back into their holes. And it isn’t just the cylinder that’s been popped from my lock–it’s a piece of the freakin’ door handle. Which means the entire thing is going to have to be replaced, and, since it’s my car’s LOCK, it isn’t something that I can ignore, like the missing fast forward button on my (unstolen) radio.

What’s it gonna cost? 275 dollars. For the lock alone–screw the cupholders. And the part won’t come in until Monday. I have an interview Friday, so I get my car back. I figure I’ll bring it in Tuesday and get it all taken care of. What do I see on the passenger’s seat when I get into my poor, damaged vehicle.

My cellphone charger. The person who broke into my car had, apparently, thrown it under my seat.

In other words, all the person stole was about seventy cents worth of dimes. And I’m mad as hell.

There were quarters and nickels there for the taking. I had three bucks worth of quarters, and two bucks worth of nickels. I have a radio. I have a fucking CD changer. I had a goddamned cell phone charger. And all he took were the fucking dimes.

What. The. Fuck.

What the hell were they ransacking my car for? Did they think that I keep gold underneath my passenger seat? Dubloons in the ashtray? Did they think I kept the Jade fucking Monkey in my glove compartment? What the HELL did they want from my car?

Seventy cents. I could stick a trumpet up my ass and play it on a street corner using solely the power of my own flatulence and earn more than seventy cents! And with my method, you don’t cause nearly three hundred dollars worth of damage to someone else’s property–unless, of course, you happened to steal the trumpet.

Now I can’t even properly lock my door. And my baby, my reliable '96 Contour that my mom used to drive, the only car I’ve ever owned, is broken. The bastard tore her apart for seventy cents. And he was a stupid fucking bastard who, apparently, not only wasn’t smart enough to avoid getting caught, but wasn’t smart enough to understand that quarters are worth more than dimes!

And yet his stupidity is costing me money.

I know the kid of the guy in charge of the campus police. Maybe if I bribe him, his dad’ll let me kick this wanker in the balls. And then stick a trumpet where the sun don’t shine.

Jeez, that’s just fuckin ridiculous Angel. But I mean… in light of all the stuff you had in your car, I think it could have been a good deal worse. Not that that mitigates your rage or anything like that, but something to marinate on.

Reminds me of my own story this January, when my truck was entered by a thief who absconded with a portable CD player that was held together with a rubber band, a book of mix CDs I burned myself, and two packs of Kool cigarettes. In doing so, he managed to break the tape deck by yanking the CD-tape car adapter out of the tape deck. So net value to him was like nothing, damage for me was a few hundred dollars.

Some people…I’ll just never understand the criminal mindset, I guess.

When my car was broken into, it also was to steal small change. I don’t keep any coins where they’re visible anymore.

If it helps, Angel, just realize what a pathetic life a person has to be living to risk so much for so little.

Of course, I’ve also had a car stolen, simply so they could steal the tires and drop the car off the jacks, totalling it.

A buddy of mine had his car broken into. The thief stole my buddy’s stereo, riffled through his CD collection, but didn’t take any of the CDs! My buddy said he didn’t know which was more insulting, the fact that he was robbed, or that the thief didn’t think his music collection was worth stealing! Sorry to hear you’ve been victimized by a putz.

That kinda reminds me of whatever assholes robbed my workplace a few months ago. They took a very heavy box full of new padlocks, but neglected the feather-light and pricey digital camera that was sitting right next to the locks! They bashed the soda machine beyond recognition for a few dollars worth of change, but neglected to grab the computer with the snazzy Sony Trinitron monitor that was in plain view.

Well, I suppose if they were any smarter, they probably wouldn’t be petty thugs, so it sort of makes sense.

6 years ago, the ex & I were visiting some friends. I came out to the car to find that one of the wheels was missing. Some assclown had jacked up the car, taken a lug wrench, removed the 5 lug nuts holding the wheel on, propped it up on a tool box (probably stolen from someone else), and left with my wheel. I was dumbfounded.

It was only $60.00 for another rim & tire.

Sue him for the damages in small claims court. It might make you feel better and maybe, some day, you can collect on it.

My father’s 10 year old buick lesabre was recently stolen. When found it was totally stripped, and from the trunk his golf clubs were taken, but not the golf shoes. However, these intrepid thieves had not opened the armrest where a fortune in small change abounded, as well as all his Irish music cassettes!! But they did take the cassettes in the glove box, Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute.

I am not sure what to make of this selectivity.

My best friend had her house robbed a few years ago.

What was taken:
Some of her CD’s (but not all) - a few without the CD cases.
Her jewelry chest that had cheap costume jewelry (sentimental value was worth more).
Her desktop computer speakers.
Her pillowcases.

What was not taken:
Her desktop computer itself.
Her laptop computer, laying in plain sight.
Her stereo system.
Her TV.
The rest of her CDs.

The hell? She was more upset about the sanctity of her home being violated than the robbery.

Well that, and her little chihuahua was locked outside for the day. I think she wanted to see dinky little Pancho standing over the remains of the robbers. Yapping that annoying little dog yap. His pristine white fur covered in blood. Dancing amongst the entrails of his eviscerated victims.

Or something like that.

Pillowcases, for what it’s worth, make decent emergency bags.

Just learn to do what my friend have done.

Last year, someone tried to steal the stereo out of my friends civic. They cut the hell out of their hands on the razor blades he had placed in the cubby the stereo fit into.

A few days later, he found the guy (we thought it might be him because he had my friends tach on his dash… the cut up hands proved it).

From what I understand, he didn’t need surgery on his face, but his jaw and various other facial bones were pretty badly jacked up.

You have the Jade Monkey? I need it before the next full moon!

I agree with Flashpaper Tiger. Sue him for the damages. You may not get any money out of it, and you’ll have to pay filing costs. (I think it’s like $140 in L.A.) But you could at least have the satisfaction of causing him just a little discomfort.

I used to have a little Porsche 924. Someone removed a rear window (no damage) and took the Blaupunkt. At the time the radio was about $400. But what really pissed me off was that he tore the $200 piece of plastic known as the console. Bastard! I replaced the radio with a cheap Sears one. Someone stole that one (again, removing the little window without damage). WTF? “Oh, it’s a Porsche! That must really be an expensive radio!” :rolleyes:

When the Lovely and Talented Mrs. Shodan and I were dating, her apartment was broken into.

Completely trashed the place. All they stole was a can of orange juice.

The (very nice) police officer told us that a lot of people keep their jewelry in the freezer in a juice can, so the thief or thieves may have thought that was where the valuable jewelry was kept. TLaTMS-to-be didn’t have any valuable jewelry, and I would have expected some to be able to tell from the feel when he picked it up that the frozen orange juice can was full of frozen orange juice only.

As was stated in the “Ask a Prison Guard” thread, people rarely go to prison for being too smart.

Sorry about the break-in, Angel. Take what comfort you can in the reflection that people who are both stupid and dishonest tend to be the sort for whom an appearance on “Cops” is the high point of their lives.


I had my first apartment broken into. They stole my entire home theater, TV and all, and most of the speakers. They missed the sub because it was under a futon. They also got a Playstation1, games, my whole movie/music collection and some of my clothes.

They left a $350 word processor that was in plain sight. They left all my work clothes untouched, but stole my gymshoes. I guess there wasn’t a market for words and a wardrobe that could lead to possibly getting a job.
btw - Angel, you might wanna consider re-wording the title of this thread a bit. Among us dirty-minded individuals, it paints you in a bit of a bad light. Sorry that your car was broken into.

They broke into my parent’s house, tossed the VCR into a backpack neglecting to include the remote that allowed you to actually use the VCR, and rode off on an insured bicycle that the owner had wanted to sell anyway.

So they saved the bike owner the hassle of selling his bike, and got a VCR that they could play a video tape on. play. not rewind, not fast-forward; they couldn’t even change the channels without the remote. We were more amused than anything else.

I think following this advice could well land you in trouble with the law yourself.

“America’s Dumbest Criminals?” Check this one out.

A few weeks ago, here in New York City, my father’s car was stolen. He and his wife sort of accepted this as the price of living in the city, contacted their insurance company, got a rental (they’ve got a good policy – the rental was covered by insurance) and prepared to shop for anothe car.

About a week later, they got a call from the police. Their car had been recovered. The two morons who stole it were still driving it around. Same plates and everything. They got pulled over for running a red light, and when the police ran the plates, it popped up as stolen.

There was no damage to the car, except that my father said it reeked of pot.

What kind of subnormal idiot steals a car, and then keeps it, driving it around as if it were his own? That’s just asking to go to jail. Which these morons will be.

That mental image alone makes this a great rant.