Somehow, someway, in the next week, I will buy another car (albeit used).
I try to hit the used car lots at a time when I think the salesmen are not there. Tonight I was not so lucky. I’m looking to spend about $5000. I find it hard to believe that I can’t find a decent used car for that much, but I appear to be mistaken.
I go to the Chevy dealer and start looking. I see a few prospects, but there’s no price on any of them (a trend I really hate). Unfortuantely, there’s a couple of salesmen on duty and it takes one of them (who has a customer) to point me out to another. The fact that I look like I couldn’t buy a headlight for a car much less an actual vehicle (shorts, old t-shirt, unshaven) should not render me invisible.
So this guy (who looks like like he fell off a Marlboro billboard from the 70’s, cheesy mustache and all) approaches me and asks how he might help me.
I think to myself, “I’m looking for drapes, you moron. What the fuck do you think?”
I’m standing next to a '97 Escort that looks pretty good (my wife’s '93 Escort wagon has been exceptionally dependable) and has only 47000 miles. Pointing to it, I say, “I’m looking for something like this. Small, economical, but I don’t want any Dodges or Korean cars (I vehemently despise all that is Chrysler and the Koreans have only just started to build decent cars).”
He asks how much I’m looking to spend, so, I tell him (generally NOT a good idea, but, what the hell).
It’s obvious he’s not pleased. He then says, “You’re looking for something that you pay cash for, right?”
A bright one, he is.
“Yes,” I reply.
Now the real fun begins. The first car he steers me towards is a '91 Chevy Lumina with 50000 miles on it.
Mmmmmm…let’s see. The last time I looked, a Lumina was nothing like an Escort in any way other than that they are both CARS. Oh, and would have killed anyone to, maybe, WASH and WAX this piece of shit?
“Too big,” I say.
Then he leads me around to the BACK of the sales office.
I quickly check my reflection and note that there is no “I’m a fucking idiot” sign on my head.
“Well,” he says pointing to a late '80’s DODGE 4x4 truck, “I could sell you the 4x4.”
This guy is striking out at an amazing rate. Let’s recap:
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I want a small economy car, so he shows me a Lumina, neither small nor economical.
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I don’t want a Dodge, yet he feels compelled to offer me a Dodge TRUCK, which is not a car, nor is it small, and it is definitely NOT economical.
Now the part that REALLY pissed me off:
When I tell him that I don’t like Dodges and describe them as “junkyard filler” he then says, “Well, you know, cars are made by man and are not perfect.”
“WHAT!!! Cars are made by man? WELL, NO GOAT-FUCKING DUH!!!” And all this time I was laboring under the assumption that cars were forged from drops of perspiration from the foreheads of the gods themselves!!
Thank you, oh Great and Wise Used Car Guy. Your words will go with me always. Ya fuck.
He then starts some rambling crap about how some families have good luck with Fords, while others have good luck with Chevys…
To which I reply, “Thanks for your time,” and leave. Just because I was in a really pissy mood, I burned rubber on the way out. Childish, but who cares?
There, I feel better now.
