That was sort of the point of the example. That in a relationship the man would be required/expected to verbalize this processing even if he was more comfortable remaining silent because his female partner wanted verbal feedback of his interior dialog because that was the way she was did her emotional processing.
In this context the presumption by the woman is that verbal=good silent=bad.
I do. Some times I like to be able to complete a chain of thought without constant interruption. I guess that’s why I live alone.
Man, I do. The bigger the issue, the more time I want to just think and process it before I start talking about it. That’s true, even if I want to talk through the issue to help me figure it out: before that happens, I like to have some time to just think.
And if you’re talking about relationship stuff, I think there is real value in taking a moment to think before you speak. Neither my wife and I really argue. We certainly have disagreements that we need to resolve, but as far as yelling, or trying to intetionally insult the other person, it never happens. I think that’s because we both will hit the pause button before we get to that point, slow it down and talk it through. I can’t imagine a person demaning that I say something if I’m not prepared to, it seems condescending.
So what happens if she demands a response, which turns out to be, “Stop being so emotional”?
All hell breaks loose!
Just tonight on Facebook I “Liked” an old Elaine Boosler observation: “I know what men want. They want somebody to feel really, really close to who leaves them alone.” I agree. That still doesn’t give them the right to not talk to me. 
Kind of.
Previous post about needing time to process stuff…women process stuff by talking it out, I think. But it may be more effective to find that outlet in family and friends than to expect a SO to constantly be a sounding board. Moderation in all things, you know? Communication, yes, but leave some things unsaid (unhashed over.) If a man insisted I participate in his passion for all things VROOOOM I’d tell him to shut up and then I’d go shopping, just to wash the taste out of my mouth. (Makes me sound shallow but I would, just to get my equalibriem back.)
Or 3. They need the peace and quiet to sort it out
Or 4. They want to sort it out in their head before they talk about it.
Or 5. They are resisting because they don’t want to be ‘forced’ to talk about an issue before they’re ready
My DH used to INSIST we deal with ‘whatever’ right now. I think he was coming from the perspective that if we didn’t deal with it straight away, it would build, or we’d never deal, or our whole relationship would implode within 24 hours. Or something. If we’re arguing, or I’m having an issue, I need quiet time to think it through, before talking. Basically our communication styles are completely opposite. We’ve made it work because we talked through what was going on. We discussed the problem from both sides and came to an agreement and an understanding. It’s not that hard. Me refusing to talk about it isn’t fair. Him forcing me to talk about it isn’t fair. But we love each other and were sick of arguments turning into meta-arguments on how to argue and who argued the right way, so we solved it with some understanding and compromise.
So, while you may not see it, I’m glad my DH did. I’m glad he was open to listening to my perspective, just as I was open to listening to his.
Or that they follow sex/gender lines.
Not giving “processing time” to someone who needs it is rude and inefficient. So’s stonewalling. Or insisting in talking to me when I’ve already said “sorry but I can’t talk now, please email me the details”. Any relationship, and not just romantic ones, works better if everybody is willing to do things in a way that makes them easier for the other people involved; anybody who insists in “my way or the highway” doesn’t have the right to complain when they find themselves alone in a service station.
Littlebro and I (female) inherited Dad’s trait of not being able to talk about something with certain types of complications (such as a large emotional involvement) until we’ve processed it. Middlebro has inherited Mom’s “can’t think unless talking” brain. “Talk to me” “I’m thinking” is a common exchange in the Navafamily.
Clearly I didn’t put it very well in my last post.
Of course you should have time to think about an issue.
Note that I am a fairly quiet, stoic male myself, and oftentimes I don’t know my own feelings on something, and talking won’t necessarily bring clarity.
What I’m saying is, IME for a women to complain that their partner won’t talk about something, it’s usually at the point where it’s something that’s been going on for weeks and every time he changes the subject. He’s had ample time to think about it.
In such situations I don’t believe that you can just wave the “I’m a man” card.
I’m all for quiet processing, with two caveats:
Be there for them. Pay attention. They’ll let you know, one way or another. Sometimes being there is all there is to do.
Well, maybe in some cases they were right. I think good relationships do require some intuition, on both sides–though maybe “intuition” makes it sound too intangible. Attention and consideration is what it mostly amounts to, I think.
Absolutely.
I think the key is to be respectful to your partner and show tact about asserting your needs. Just as I would be careful to pick the right time for an emotional discussion, I expect my partner not to pull his “I need alone time” card when we’re in the middle of discussing something that’s important to me.
I’ve dated a lot of men who will use the “I need time to think” card when, what they really mean, is, “I’d rather not deal with this/you”. You can always tell the difference because the ones who think about things will eventually re-address the issue somehow, with the result of their mulling, or even just an altered attitude, and the avoidant ones will never bring it up again or just give the same exact responses when you bring it up.
My husband, I’m happy to report, will take time to think about things and then come back to me after a couple of hours, or a couple days, with a REAL follow-up. One of the many reasons I love him so dearly 