Guys and their (lack of) "communication"

In My Humble Opinion
1

This one is for the ladies, but guys, you can add your opinios too…

So, we all know the “guy” stereotype:

Guys don’t talk.
Guys are quiet.
Guys don’t express themselves.

So I want to know what women mean when they say they want their man to communicate? What exactly are you looking for? What does it mean when you want men to open up emotionally? Please be as specific as you can.

And if there are any guys out there that have been told that they are really good communicators, please tell us! What are you doing? What are you saying? What are you expressing?

I’m not just talking about being a good listener, I’m talking about opening up and being “emotionally naked.”

What do we, guys, need to do???

2

Lenny & Carl, from my experience, it isn’t about men not talking, not expressing themselves; seems to me that the “men” in my life express themselves quite well. They don’t talk like I talk, but they also don’t walk like I walk, think the way I think nor believe necessarily the same things I do.

Seems to me some women need to “listen” a little bit better. Men (in my experience) DO communicate - not in an Oprah touchy feely angel network talk show let’s get it all on the table kind of way, but in their OWN way. Again, sometimes I think some women just aren’t really “listening”. People all communicate with each other in their own way - there’s no recipe per se for it. I think some people just don’t “hear”. As if that made any sense.

[disclaimer]All of the above is my own personal opinion, personal experience talking, I’m old fashioned, I don’t know what I’m talking about, YMMV, no warranties are implied, no refunds without receipt.[/disclaimer]

3

Everyone is different. Some men communicate well. Some women don’t communicate well. Like Missy said, there is no recipe for it. There’s nothing I could tell you that would make you “communicate” better.

4

Well I, for one, know exactly what those “women” (what’s her name, by the way?) mean. My boyfriend is a good communicator. My ex was not, which is the main reason he is an ex.

  1. It takes two people to maintain a conversation. Which means NO MONOSYLLABIC REPLIES! And don’t grunt. Put some effort into your answer.

  2. Listening does not mean just sitting there not talking. You actually have to listen. Again, so you could reply with anything other than “Grhm.”

  3. “Let’s talk.” does not actually mean that something is wrong. That’s what people do for fun. They gossip and discuss people, events and ideas. Have something to bring to the table.

  4. You have to be her FRIEND, and TALK to her like a friend. Who ENJOYS talking to her. If you don’t enjoy talking to her, it’s pointless.

5

unh huh

6

Actually, that’s what women do for fun. Men more often share information and solutions to problems. For a very interesting read, try “You Just Don’t Understand: Men and Women in Conversation” by Deborah Tannen.

7

Sorry, I wasn’t listening. What were you saying honey?

Uh huh.

Really?

Wow.

You don’t say?

Hey, that’s great. Gotta go, game’s on.

8

Honestly, it’s mystified me, too. I have to admit, I consider myself a damn good communicator to both sexes. But yeah, there’s a different ‘technique’ for each. Male communication is more ‘goal’ oriented. Getting things settled or ‘done.’ A good example- one of my male friends can only really talk about anything while he’s working on something else. Many men need to be accomplishing something while they communicate- have an end goal. Most women I talk to, on the other hand, center on the actualy conversation. What is said, how it’s said. A lot more goes into the words or individual statements / questions than what needs to be ‘accomplished’ in the talk.
Strangely, I’m having a very hard time qualifying what I’m trying to say in this post. Guess my skills are more effective face-to-face. :smiley:

And no, I’m not going to invite you all over so we can chat about it!

9

My boyfriend is the most open communicator - I’ve never had this problem with him. In fact when I hear about women having this problem with men, I cannot fathom it (although I’ve dated guys in the past who were “closed off”). In fact, my BF is more emotionally open than myself. It’s extremely refreshing - most men are not like this. What I love is that he is still “manly” but is open to talking about anything and everything, and is always genuinely concerned about how I feel. I’ve never opened up until I met him in fact!

He feels it’s ok to talk openly about fears, passions, love, dying, and life in general. Most of our intimate times are over a few beers on the porch and a good talk. It’s like having a good girlfriend wrapped into a man package (if that makes any sense). It’s not wimpy for a guy to be passionate and enjoy talking, I think a lot of men fear this. It helps to have a sense of humor too :slight_smile:

My friend who is about to get married is with a guy who cannot talk about anything more than trivial things, and it frustrates her to no end. She is constantly bored with him, and I honestly wonder what they hell they do talk about?

To me, seriously, there is nothing more of a turn-off than a guy who can’t do anything but grunt and talk about what football game is on next, and who can’t (at least a little bit) expose his vulnerabilities and openly communicate to the one he loves…

10

The root of all relationship problems is communication…too much communication.

11

Ah, and of course anybody who is not a gossip and a scold is subhuman–since PEOPLE do these things for enjoyment, anybody who does not likewise doesn’t qualify as being “people”. So, should these untermenschen be sterilized or merely shipped off to death camps?

12

Exhibit A for “How to not be a good communicator”: Focus on a semantic detail and then rephrase key parts more negatively than originally stated, in order to put the other person on the defensive.

“Your sister sent me a thank you note for the birthday gift I sent her. I think that’s really nice.”

“I don’t send thank you notes – I guess you think I’m some sort of ogre, then?”

Everyone loves that. Plus, it’s a great way to start a fight!

To answer the OP, in my experience, a woman in a relationship who tells you to “communicate” more wants one of two things. She either wants validation that you have the same feelings and fears about her that she has toward you, or she thinks you’re not a very good conversationalist and she’s having to do all the work. Which one, if either, is actually true must be evaluated on a case-by-case basis.

13

No kidding … sometimes I think when women say they want to talk, what they really mean is they want to ARGUE.

14

In my experience, women don’t really want to communicate.

Sorry, ladies, but after 32 years of being a guy, being told that we “don’t communicate” and we aren’t “in touch with our feelings” and that we need to learn to “open up,” I’m fed up.

The last two relationships I’ve had (including one that is in flux after she dumped me two days ago) have involved women who don’t want to confront issues, talk about emotions–or at least, not mine–or “open up” their own inner thoughts and feelings. I’ve been told countless times that I’m a wonderful communicator, with some listening issues (I over-react when she says that she has issues that affect us, and I “take it too personally” when she says some of those issues ARE ABOUT ME).

Communication is just another tool, and unless it is used carefully by both parties, it counts for NOTHING. I can talk until I’m blue in the face, but when she doesn’t care to listen, it goes nowhere.

Women are no better at communicating than we are, and they are no more “in touch with their feelings” than men. They’ve just spent the last century telling us that WE’RE TO BLAME for THEIR communication issues.

After six months of what was supposedly a wonderful relationship, my girlfriend just dumped me for “space” so she deal with her “issues” (commitment issues, just like MEN are always being called to account for), and the main problem we have is that she doesn’t communicate openly, honestly, and clearly, while continuing to proclaim how “wonderful” we are.

It’s a crap shoot, guys. Communicate well, and women close up. Don’t communicate, and you get blasted for not talking.

15

[Chris Rock]That bitch crazy![/Chris Rock]

16

You missed one. To paraphrase Sinbad, “Or she just finished watching Oprah and is keeping her eye on you. When you mess up, she’ll be saying, ‘Mhmm, just like Oprah said.’”

17

As much as I HATE to bring up “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” … I’m bringing it up and even admitting that I’ve read parts of it.

Generally speaking, men communicate in order to: demonstrate their problem-solving ability, entertain with a story, obtain solutions, and share knowledge.

Again, generally speaking, women communicate in order to: have their feelings validated, debate a problem without necessarily seeking a solution, get a task accomplished, and share opinions.

Two people with completely different goals are bound to have difficulties communicating. Luckily respect, love, patience and curiosity go a long way towards motivating us all to at least TRY to understand what the other person is going on about …

18

Missy2U got it right. Everyone communicates, just not about the same things or in the same manner. PiscesPrincess, ArrMatey, make good points.

Giraffe, you have yourself indicated what you think are the possible communication difficulties. Both are in general agreement with other comments in the thread. Dogfacemade a snarky generalized comment, but he had a kernel of reason to be put off by !ceQueen’s proclamation, since she would seem to be claiming that it’s not a question of different ways of communicating but of a “right” and “wrong” way of communicating.

19

My wife has some family issues that really have no resolution. My advice is always to:

A. Take it and say nothing.
B. Blow the feelings off.
C. Confront and express her feelings.

She doesn’t want to do any of the above. She “just wants to talk about it.” That concept is foreign to me. My gut instinct is always to search for a solution. It seems a waste of time to discuss a problem simply for discussions sake.

20

In my circle of friends at least, guys are just more efficient communicators. When we really get to know each other. A specific friend that knows me the best: we talk in such a disjointed, truncated, personally specific way that it’s nearly impossible for outsiders (especially females) to decipher it. This may be an extreme case, but I think the girls might get too caught up in the language itself, and guys manipulate language to create new meanings specific to ourselves. This is only one example of the differences in communication i’ve seen.