I can feel my depression coming back.
It has been a shitty day at work. Things go wrong, and somehow I am the first person the finger got pointed at. I have a knack for making careless mistakes, true, but it get really tiring when the manager points at me at the first sight of anything wrong. It’s programming, and I’m integrating with other people stuff. Do you expect me to get it right the first time round, while with you breathing down my neck and I have no idea how the other person done his work?
Does it matter in the end that it’s really other guy’s work that conflicts with mine? Do people always need to find someone to blame, to point at and said, “Oh he screws up”. Have it ever occur to people that other people besides me can make mistakes? Anyway, can’t mistakes just happen?
The ironical thing is that I came up with the idea myself to make everyone’s work easier. Maybe I should have just kept quiet and shutdown.
It’s that feeling of blame and shame and helplessness. No matter what I did, I get blamed. I tired of being defensive. I’m tired of what people think. Screw it all and damn it all to hell.
Best of all, I can’t even talk to my friends. “You are doing great since the last time you got depressed”. I don’t even know how to bring this subject up around them anymore.
I don’t feel like doing anything now. I hate my life. It’s just a constant string of ‘acceptance’ one after another. Accept this. Accept that. You can’t change this. Can’t change how the world treat you. Can’t change how I react. At least I am now too tired to.
ETA: I’m very stressed. I can’t admit I’m stressed. I am supposed to be able to handle life. But I can’t handle it. Maybe there’s nothing at all. I can’t take a break, I can’t take a breather. My savings won’t last, there’s no social security in my country. You’re disabled, you’re screwed. Oh God I hate this. I hate this tension.