Should I quit my job? (long)

In My Humble Opinion
1

I am a Chef / kitchen manager for a successful, growing restaurant. I started about 5 years ago and became the kitchen manager 4 years ago. The owners like me, I think the GM likes me, and I enjoy what I do. But the stress and the long hours are really wearing me down. I have the “kitchen” half of my job down to a science, but I struggle with the “manager” part. I am also dealing with depression, and my bosses know about it. they have given me plenty of advice and encouragement.

TLDR, skip ahead…

Before I go any further, I will say that I have not started talking to anyone about my depression yet. I know that I need to, and I know that it affects my job. My mother (my closest friend, really) keeps encouraging me to do it, but she tries not to bother me too much about it. My bosses have given me some contacts too, and they occasionally talk to me about it. I know I need to get this done, but its very tough for me to get motivted to do things like this. Its like ultra-procrastination. I realize I need to do a task, but then I start thinking about all the other little things I should do before I get started, and all the little things I need to do afterwards, and it gets overwhelming! To escape that pressure, I just decide not to do the thing. Its really easy, but it has gotten me in a few binds… Anyway…

I work 50+ hours a week. It used to be 55+, but my bosses allowed me to reduce my hours for my well-being. I work hard and I often skip my breaks to get more things done. It is tough for me to let things go and have other people take care of them for two reasons. One, I have high standards. I like to think that our restaurant is succesful because I make sure things are done the right way, and I crack down on shortcuts. Often, other people screw things up, and I have to fix them. I try to teach/train as best I can, but sometimes its not enough. Two, I feel like I have to work hard all the time. Thats how I was trained. Thats how I got promotions at all four multi-year jobs I’ve had in my life. I value hard work, and I don’t want to feel like I’m that boss that makes everyone else work hard while I go home early or slack off in the office. So, for those two reasons, there is always tons of work for me to do. Manager-related tasks slip by me because I need to focus on kitchen-related things, and I go home exhausted. I miss my older jobs, were I wasn’t in command, and I could be the guy who the boss could count on to take care of things. Now, I have to rely on those below me, and most of them don’t have the skills or standards that I do. And I don’t get any of that job satisfaction from my bosses, because they aren’t around very often.

When I get home, I don’t have energy to do anything. I spend what little time I have infront of the TV or computer and I don’t get to bed on time. So all week, I get further and further behind on sleep. And since it takes me a couple hours to wake up from a deep sleep, I can’t allow myself a good nights rest. I have to sleep with the TV on, or sleep in my comfy chair instead of my bed so I can hear the alarms. I usually have 2 or 3 alarms set, because I will sleep through them. I have to wake up by 6:10 am to get to work by 7. Being late to work always screws up my day, even though it gives me 15-20 minutes of extra snoozing. But recently, we made a staffing change, and two others show up at 7 with me, and so being late isn’t an option anymore.

Money isn’t much of a problem. I have some credit issues, but I making much more than I spend every month. I’ve bought all the Stuff and Things I need in life, and I can pay off my car loan any time (another thing I need to do, that I can’t get motivated to finish… money is in the bank, just keep putting it off…). At my last raise, my bosses shocked me with a hefty increase, and they also started a quarterly bonus program for the managers, which I hit once, and expect to hit again this quarter. I feel like they are throwing money at me to keep me around. Its flatering, but I’m not really driven by money. (actually, at my last review, I was prepared to take a proportional decrease to get my hours down from 55 to 50, but they allowed the shorter hours AND gave me the raise, so I took it).

About a year and a half ago, I hit my lowest point in my depression. It was that admit-you-have-a-problem stage for me. Since then, I have started taking St. Johns Wort to help with my mood (thanks to great advice from you dopers!), I skimmed some cognitive behaioural therapy info (more doper advice), I have reconnected with My father, whom I ignored for years due to the depression (and silently blamed him for it too), and made more of an effort to be involved with family things, and keep in touch with my mother (I tended to ignore phone calls and get-togethers for months when I felt down. And this winter (winters were the worst for me), despite lots of bad emotions, bad days at work and crappy moods, I didn’t slip into a deep depression like I had before. I feel like I have made progress. Not enough, but Im working on it.

So, 3-4 months ago, I blew up in the kitchen. It was the first anger episode I’ve had since working on bettering myself. I made a guy walk out because he felt disrespected. (he was a slacker, and wasn’t far from write-ups and probation anyway, so it wasn’t a big loss). But what if a good employee walked out? what if it was my sous chef or one one of my valued line cooks? The stress of the job snapped me, and I immedietly realized I needed to get out. I couldn’t do it anymore, and I was becomeing incapable of leading. I’ve had so many bad days before, where I drive home, thinking I’m going to quit, but I would chicken out. This time, I said it was the last. I wrote a lengthy, emotional e-mail to the bosses, giving notice to quit, and I told my Sous chef. The bosses were shocked and saddened, and wanted to meet with me. They convinced me to stay, offering their help on the leadership and management issues I had. I feel like they confused me into wondering if I was quitting legitimately, or quitting as a way of escaping let another tough task that my depressed side didn’t want to do. Since then, I’ve had two more bad days. One in which, I penned another email, but never sent it. The last one, St. Patricks’s Day weekend, was just really really busy and stressful, but after wards, I realized I kicked ass that weekend, and felt better.

TLDR? Start here…

So, now, I don’t know what to do. Part of me thinks that my stressful job is getting in my way of me tackling my depression. If I had a different job, with less stress, fewer hours, and a night shift, I would sleep better, I would have time to accomplish things, I could get some exercise (which I need for lots of reasons including the depression, I know!), and I might have more job satisfaction. On the other hand, maybe my depression is getting in the way of my job and making me think that the job is the problem. Maybe I would be happier and better at my job If I tackled this depression first.

I’m a bit lost, and I need some advice. I just don’t think I can keep this up much longer.

2

I think you should see a doctor. You and the doctor can decide if medication is necessary, or maybe counseling/therapy is an option. Based on what you wrote, don’t be surprised if they want you to have a sleep study.

Do you get vacation time? Maybe take some time off to deal with this, before doing anything drastic like quitting.

Feel free to join us in this thread: SDMB Ongoing Depression Support Thread - Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share - Straight Dope Message Board

3

From one food service worker to another – you do realize the stresses and anxiety that naturally go with the job have a lot to do with your mental well being, I hope?

I’m not trying to be snide.

What you describe is exactly what I went through when I was doing restaurant work. I wasn’t a kitchen manager, I didn’t have your responsibilities, but after the initial excitement wore off and I became one with “the grind”, as we called it, it really does a number on you after awhile. To this day I have large chunks of absent memory during that period. It was go to work - work - go home try to sleep - sleep fitfully for a couple of hours - wake up looking like death warmed over - rinse and repeat. I had no social life. I rarely took vacations and did anything that needed doing because I not only needed the $, but I also, in a way, fell in love with the adrenaline rush that’s so inherent in the food industry. It masked a lot of things going on with me mentally at the time, and I didn’t realize it until well after I left.

I cannot imagine what it must be like to be fighting depression AND working that kind of schedule. We all have varying degrees of “fight or flight” within us, but when you double that fight with physical plus mental AND emotional exhaustion (I interpret your blow up as a symptom of that and that, in general you’re not an angry person)…no wonder why you feel you’re at the end of your rope. I mean that.

Is there any way of perhaps taking a few days off to clear your head? Could the schedule be shuffled around so your assistant (if you have one) step into your place? I’m thinking if your bosses already know about your depression, they would be more amenable to it, especially since they’ve already chopped some hours off your regular schedule. I’m usually wary of quitting a job outright unless it’s a life-or-death situation…I just wouldn’t want to see you burn your bridges behind you, especially given history.

4

Is it possible to separate out the kitchen and managerial duties and let someone else be manager or is that just not done?

The core of being a manger is being able to delegate effectively, if you cannot delegate you will never make it as a manager anywhere, and you may well burn out even as non-manager chef, so you need to decide if you can learn to delegate or if that’s just not in the cards. If it’s not in the cards you need to change jobs.

Beyond this if you cannot delegate even as non manager chef you will always be running yourself ragged, you may think this is because of your extra high standards, but it’s really because of your fear of ceding control. There are chefs with standards just as high as yours that delegate effectively all day long.

If you cannot learn to delegate you’re going to burn out or be fired and the depression will continue. You need to get your hands around learning to delegate and manage others before anything will change for the better. Take a local Dale Carnegie course as a starting point re learning how to manage and work with others. I assure you it will give you a good deal of insight in working with and managing other people effectively. The courses are not cheap (around $ 1800) but I’m pretty sure your bosses will be willing to pony up for one. It’s 3-3.5 hours once a week in the evening for 8 weeks.

5

I don’t know if you can know for sure if the job is the primary problem, or if the depression is the primary problem and is blaming the job. I do know, when I was depressed, and sick, and working, and got signed off work I was still depressed and sick, and it was no easier to fix.

A few random thoughts…

If your bosses are that keen to keep you, then you are probably doing a better job (even with the blow-up) than you think.

Perhaps you could get them on board to help you make it more manageable somehow?

Have you thought about a vacation for a couple of reasons? It might help you shake away the rest of the winter blahs, and it might also help you figure out who at work can step up and take on more responsibilities.

I kind of view so-so work situations like I view so-so relationships. Yes, it might not be the job (or relationship) for you, but provided it’s not abusive, what harm is there on trying to work out the issues in this one (and in yourself) before giving up and moving on? Either way it puts you in a stronger position, even if you end up going somewhere else.

I think you could benefit from having someone on your side, whether that is a medical doc or a competent psychologist who is willing to recommend meds (that you then get from your doc). Helping the sleep problems so you have a little energy for exercise etc., might be a good first step.

6

This may or may not be your problem, but it sure used to be mine. Consider this:

You liked being the guy who the manager relied on. You were an effective right-hand man, and now upon moving up to the management position, are you still trying to do your old job too? When I got such a promotion (it wasn’t in a kitchen but I’ll phrase it as though it were) to Chef, I continued to try to do my old sous-chef’s job and I did neither job well. It was stressful and the end outcome was really bad. When I learned to delegate to my sous-chef, who really was excellent at her job, both jobs were much better and lower stress. Maybe you’re not allowing your sous-chef to do his/her entire job?

7

This.

Two of the hardest lessons to learn for a new manager, particularly one who rose through the company ranks are:

  1. Once you are a manager, you are no longer judged on what you accomplish, but what your team accomplishes. Your team can accomplish much more if you provide the tools, get out of the way and let them do their job. George Patton understood this well. There is no way he was going to win the war by himself. He knew he had to rely on his team. In one of the greatest management quotes of all time, he said “Don’t tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and let them surprise you with their results.” Your job is not as big as a world war. You think you can do it all yourself. You can’t.

  2. There are others who can do the day to day jobs as well as, if not better than, you. It’s your job to either train the your team to be those people or find and hire ones who are.

You are a manager now. It’s a different job. If you do it the same as you did your old job, you will not be sucessful.

8

Thanks for the responses for far, everyone. I’m going to take all of this advice to heart, and respond with more detail later. Back to work for now!

9

I have some idea of what you’re going through. I manage two stores and am always on call in the event of an emergency. My phone is constantly ringing and I get bajillions of texts and emails with questions, scheduling requests, people who can’t come into work at the last minute, etc. and it drives me completely insane.

I was an employee who was promoted so to an extent I still do my old job, but I try to limit that as much as possible. I have a similar problem of having high standards and getting very anxious when someone does something that I feel is not correct, however I try to stay calm and use that as a teaching moment. Although I feel like it reflects poorly on me when my employees screw up, my bosses are usually understanding when I explain how the mistake was made and how it can be prevented next time. It sounds as if you have cool bosses who would respond likewise.

I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and OCD and sometimes the thought of going to work makes me feel like I’m going to have a panic attack because I can’t face another employee dispute, time off request or whatever. The stress does make me feel physically ill.

What I do though is take each problem one at a time and go to my boss if I need help. That doesn’t help completely, but it helps a little bit. And if I feel like I’m going to go crazy or blow up I step away. I’m not sure if you’re able to do that in a busy restaurant environment, but as others mentioned, do you have an assistant who could take over when you need a breather?

I also agree that perhaps seeing a doctor is a good idea. I don’t have health insurance yet (long story) but am seeing a psychiatrist I got a free appointment with (also long story) to see if I need to go back on medication to help me cope better with work related stress.

Only you can decide whether or not it’s time to leave your job. I feel like I want to quit too, but I also have to make sure that I am in the right frame of mind to take such drastic action and I feel that usually I am not.