I’m with all the rest. You quite accurately described what I’ve been going through the past six months or so – but I am taking the meds and doing the work (theraphy)and trying to believe it will help. It does help to be doing something… and I can’t wait until 1999 is over!
My depression “cure” is not one I’d recommend to anyone.
I’d been seeing a therapist for about a year after the birth of my first daughter. We’d switched meds a few times, and between friends, meds, and therapy, at least I was finally energetic enough to be suicidal. (it’s a joke, okay?)
Till the day the maniac walked into the hospital with an AK-47. My therapist was the first to die. My husband was shot at. A little girl died in his arms.
At that point, I figured that I was reasonably well adjusted.
(Suzeanne, that story is sad and bizarre.)
I’ve been depressed since I was 12; that’s 17 years. Mine is related to my hormones, so I have maybe one or two good weeks per month (“good” meaning I’m not suicidal), then the other two or three weeks suck. I’ve been pretty functional through this after I adjusted for the first few years. I’ve been able to go to school, have a job, raise some kids, but the depression has always impaired my functioning. In other words, I can get through the day but given half a chance I’d rather die.
The last three months I’ve been depressed continuously, without the little “breather” or my non-suicidal times to help me get through. My Prozac doesn’t seem to be working like it used to; after so many unsuccessful attempts with antidepressants in high school, the prospect of going through that again frightens me. (What if the new drug doesn’t work? What if the next one after that doesn’t work, either? It could be months- or never- before I can get the depression under control. I don’t have that much time.)
I’m also afraid of seeing a therapist again; I was in therapy for so many wasted years and it didn’t help me at all. I was hospitalized once, in high school, and vowed I would die before I let that happen to me again.
I’m just so tired. How long does this life have to last? It goes on and on and on.
Wow, this post hasn’t been very helpful, has it? The book zyada recommended is excellent; I may sound like a basket case now but that book helped me immensely. Prozac has also helped me and probably saved my life. SSRI’s- the newer antidepressants like Prozac and Zoloft- are much better than the old ones for many people and have fewer side effects.
Another me, too here, TechChick. Get help, do the doctor thing, and run far and fast from(or at least stop talking to) anyone who uses the words “feeling sorry for yourself” to you. People who say that will never help you, and may even hurt.
And good luck, dear; a lot of us have felt the same.
Catrandom
If a person knows they are in a depression, are they really in it? It would seem that you can’t be depressed if you know you are because seeing you are depressed would be a seperation from it, plus half the cure. Thus, half cured. Hmmm.
Maybe Im depressed after all…
Handy,
As one that has dealt with ADD, depression and other issues in my life, at 31 I can recognize the signs of my problems.
A person in a depression doesn’t mean a person without some understanding of what is happening.
Ten signs I am in a depression:
- I drink heavily
- I live like a slob, enough that my house should be condemned.
- I sleep too much. My sleep patterns become wildly screwed up.
- I suffer from frequent panic attacks.
- I have no desire to be around those I love the most.
- I make excuses for not being at work.
- I don’t want any sexual activity.
- I resent those around me that are happy.
- I spend excessive time on the internet.
- I am overly emotional.
Those are some of the signs of my depression. I know because I have been through it before.
I am lucky enough that I know my signs, some people can’t see through the signs and see something else in the mirror before realizing what it is.
I swore I wasn’t going to touch this until that last post . . . .
Tech – pay attention – A woman rational enough to organize her symptoms into a ‘top ten’ list defies the very definition of the illness.
I might suggest, based on the little I’ve seen in this thread, that you are a.) overeducated, and b.) being railroaded by yer own mind.
Loss of joy is not a clinical problem. Joy was never promised.
Yer friends here are half right – reaching out to yer support group of family and friends is not a sign of weakness, it’s the mark of a healthy mind. Spiralling down into, “I drink heavily,” and, “I live like a slob,” is not clinical depression woman, it’s pride. If yer healthy enough to still have yer pride, and aware enough to be disgusted by its erosion, then yer surely woman enough to swallow enough of it to expose yer situation to those that care for you.
I expect that there are plenty of people that you CAN talk to, and just as many that you WON’T talk to. I know it sounds mortifying, but those that love you see clearly, and can only help if you allow them. They do want to help, but they don’t want to intrude, and they cannot read yer mind. Yer first amazement might well be at how quickly the very people you think don’t care will rally to yer side the moment you actually ask them for support.
With all due apology to those for whom the medications have made a difference, ye seem too damned rational and clear-sighted to need chemical alteration. The meds can do wonders for true anhedonics and for folks with genuine mental illness. But ye don’t sound mentally ill – ye sound tired, prideful, routine stricken, and stuck in a rut.
Forget about chemical solutions and take some of the good advice already offered above – change something in yer life for no better reason than the sheer damned joy of changing. Your second amazement will be next year’s reflection at how far the ripples can run from one little pebble ye tossed into yer own pond.
Dr. Watson.
“Nobody likes to be patronized by their own mind.”
Ok…at the risk of being considered an asshole…here goes anyway.
I agree with you Crick&Watson. At some time or another in everyone’s life…we’ve pretty much had the same symtoms. One or more at the same time…that doesn’t mean depression. Life sucks for us all at one point or another. I could tell some tales of misfortune and death…but…I decided during the illness of one of my parents…life is too short as it is…turning loose is one of the hardest things to do. I can always look at someone else and find that my situation isn’t as bad as I think…when you start listening to what some people have been through. That may be a big help to a lot of people…getting their minds off their own situations and concentrating on someone else…you end up helping each other. I agree that there are people out there that really do have a chemical imbalance…and meds are the only answer. My ex was classified as a manic depressive…I’ve lived through it…he took meds and didn’t take meds…but his biggest problem was he couldn’t get past himself…the whole world was supposed to revolve around him. He never considered taking his own life…that would have taken away his joy of making everyone around him miserable…now I am rambling. Enough is enough.
Holly … agreed on the bizarre at best, and sad at worst. My husband kept all the newspapers from the event. I stumbled across them the other day, and spent a few hours crying. Then I got up, hugged my kids, and went on with life.
I have to disagree with Crick&Watson and fuzzy-wuzzy on most points.
Techchick, I have about 7 of the 10 symptoms you described, plus a couple of others. What the two posters above got from what you said, I’m sure, is off the mark. Don’t let them invalidate your feelings (yes, I’ve been to therapy, too). You can recognize the symptoms and still be depressed. One of my biggest clues is that, when I’m crying, I can’t pinpoint what I’m crying about. I couldn’t even tell you what prompted it. I just start and don’t stop for hours sometimes. I’ve cried at work at least twice in the last two weeks.
I have no reason to call it a “lack of joy”, because I have every reason to be happy. I recently got engaged to a wonderful man and for a while, I was happier than I had ever been. Then I slowly became irritable and moody. I thought it was my job, so I found a new one (better paying, too). Now I’m crying all of the time. I realized that it wasn’t the job–I was depressed again. But WHY??? I couldn’t tell you. Now it’s worse because I never should have left the job I had, since I hate the new one. My job was never the problem.
My fiance is so supportive. But I feel bad when I see how helpless he is because he can’t help me. I’ve started taking St. John’s Wort and I’m waiting for it to kick in (it takes about 4 weeks). I suppose I should go for counseling, but it never works for me. I KNOW and have BEEN TOLD it is a chemical imbalance. I’m no expert, but yours could be, too.
Please feel free to e-mail me if you want to talk anytime.
Crick&Watson
Bullshit. Fucking, Fucking Bullshit. That she is able to identify her symptoms is not an indication that she isn’t depressed - it shows that she is intelligent and self-aware. That does not defy the definition of depression. Of all the mental illnesses, depression is one of the most apparent as an aberration to the sufferer. Schizophrenics accept their hallucinations; nuerotics just think that they are mistreated; obsessive-compulsives think their rules and practices are the only way to survive; abusers blame their victims for their behavior. But depressives know what they are feeling is wrong. It is frightening to lay in bed fighting against the desire to kill yourself, unable to understand why you feel so bad, when you have loving parents, friends, comfortable circumstances. Knowing you have everything to live for does help when life feels pointless; it only makes it more confusing.
Folks, this is not catch-22. Knowing you have problems does not make them non-problems. It is just the first key to solving them.
The next key is knowledge. A good therapist will give you the knowledge needed to solve your problem, and construct exercises designed to re-train you in healthier behavioral patterns. Even if you choose not to see a therapist, the book I mentioned before has valuable knowledge, which will help even without therapy.
Techchick - being both ADD & depressive myself, I can give you one practical piece of advice on the house-cleaning problem. (Assuming you don’t do this already.) Go buy a timer. Pick one room arbitrarily (I usually start in the bedroom) and clean up for just 5 minutes. Then spend some time doing what you want to - not cleaning. I either play one game of solitaire or read a chapter. Go to another room, do same. Work your way through the house, then go to 10 minutes if you feel up to it. I started this several years ago and could not stand to work for more than five minutes at a time. Now I do 15 minutes per room on weekdays (usually gets rid of the clutter and I can get one or two rooms done a night, plus crafting) and 30 minutes on weekends (allows more in-depth work like mopping or hanging up stuff). Unless I’m depressed and antsy, when I go back to 5 minute rounds until I settle down again.
Remember this:
You are valuable
You are strong
You are beautiful
You are unique
You are capable of handling this, you just need some guidance to set you on the best path for you.
Zyada
…in a state so nonintuitive it can only be called weird…
Damn.
I always screw something up in these long ones.
Knowing you have everything to live for does not help, etc, etc.
I don’t think it does any such thing. Being aware of a problem does not preclude actually having the problem. All it means is she has noticed something is wrong and has put some thought into analyzing it, like any smart person would.
Perhaps joy was never promised, but the inability to feel joy in circumstances where most human beings would is a problem. It isn’t a lack of things to be happy about that’s the issue in clinical depression, it’s the inability to feel happy even when there is much to feel happy about. There’s a world of difference between feeling bad because your dog died or you lost your job, and feeling bad all the time without any such external cause.
I have no opinion on whether drugs are a good or a bad way to treat depression, but one can be depressed and rational simultaneously. These are not mutually exclusive states.
–
peas on earth
A big 'ol AMEN to zyada and moriah. No, joy isn’t promised in this life, but the occassional glimmer of happiness IS, in my opinion. Being depressed means you don’t see that. And in the worst days of my depression, I didn’t even have feeling sad. I felt NOTHING.
Thanks to both of you for pointing that out…I’m too tired now to be all that coherent. 
“Jesus Mary Joseph…you’re a biker chick!” - co-worker, upon hearing of my tattoo.
Thank you to those of you that understand.
I appreciate that people know that somewhere in the depths of this hurting soul, you know what I am going through.
However, some of you think because I recognize these signs, I am therefore not in a clinical depression…Well to those of you that doubt me, come to my house, see the pain, see my lack of spice for life…live in my fucking shoes for a week and you will know.
I have been through this before, I know the signs and I am only reaching out to those that can understand, obviously some of you have either never been clinically depressed or are so hooked into your own damned depression that you can’t see past your own damn nose.
Give me a break…I really do appreciate those that have given suggestions in a positive manner, but I really don’t need the assholes out there telling me that because I “know” I am in a depression to fuck with me on this. I have enough people in my life fucking with me, the last thing I need is for some blowhards to sit there and not even try to understand.
I didn’t want to have to get in a pissing match with others regarding my situation but if some of you insist in being dickheads about this, then I will defend myself to the death if I have to.
Again, I have been through this before, I know my symmptoms and I am trying real hard not to take the same fucking road I took two years ago. It was self destructive and left me feeling empty and alone, even after all the medications and therapy. I don’t want to go there again, it was the worst fucking feeling I have ever had in my life and I fear I am heading there again.
I was fucking suicidal, I am not at that point, but God-damn don’t you sit there and doubt where I am today. I never ever want to go there again…I don’t want to sit there and take 10 fucking sleeping pills because I feel life is so fucked up. I refuse to go there again.
I have been down this road before…I really don’t need people being assholes about this…this is a serious situation and damnit…if you doubters ever run into a person that is depressed I sure as hell hope that you take a better stance on this than you have with my OP and be more understanding…
Thanks again to those that offered positive advise, it means a lot to me!
Crick&Watson and fuzzy-wuzzy, you are a perfect example of the kind of “well-meaning friends” about whom we have been speaking in this topic. Those that tell us it’s all a matter of mindset and to “pull ourselves up by our bootstraps.” However, you have never personally suffered clinical depression and you have no clue what you’re talking about because you cannot possibly understand unless you have. And this is exactly the WRONG kind of “advice” to give someone suffering from a physical illness!
And NO, being sad or temporarily depressed over the loss of a loved one is NOT the same thing as suffering from clinical depression. I KNOW this. I lost my mother to breast cancer 12 years ago. I know full well what the difference is between what I went through then and what I’m going through now because I’ve experienced both. Clearly, you have not.
Telling someone they’re being railroaded by their own mind is not only insensitive (not to mention incorrect), it’s just downright rude. You also failed to comprehend from the numerous posts here by depression sufferers that we DON’T think reaching out to friends is a sign of weakness - we think it’s an effort in FUTILITY because they’re just going to do what you did and tell us to get off our asses and do something about it without REALLY offering any meaningful help.
Whe KNOW what we have to do. We KNOW we’re sabotaging ourselves every time we let bills pile up because we’re too freaked out to sit down and pay them (even though we have plenty of money to do so). We KNOW we’re risking our jobs when we call in sick because we can’t FORCE ourselves to get out of bed. We KNOW we have to clean our houses or we’ll break our necks tripping over the crap piling up on the floors.
You can’t possibly begin to imagine the helplessness one feels when one is physically paralized by fear and anxiety and can’t control it. You don’t begin to grasp the fact that even knowing that we’re often times our own worst enemy it’s sadly not enough motivation to make us do the things we know we need to do.
That’s because there is one part of our brains that is still capable of knowing right from wrong, important from unimportant, and another part that’s sending the wrong damn signals on how to deal with even the most mundane tasks. Let me see if I can educate you (since you clearly didn’t bother to read the information on the link I provided so that perhaps you could actually LEARN something).
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Q. What is depression?
A. Depression is more than the blues or the blahs; it is more than the normal, everyday ups and downs. When that “down” mood, along with other symptoms, lasts for more than a couple of weeks, the condition may be clinical depression. Clinical depression is a serious health problem that affects the total person. In addition to feelings, it can change behavior, physical health and appearance, academic performance, social activity and the ability to handle everyday decisions and pressures.
There are various forms or types of depression. Some people experience only one episode of depression in their whole life, but many have several recurrences. Some depressive episodes begin suddenly for no apparent reason, while others can be associated with a life situation or stress. Sometimes people who are depressed cannot perform even the simplest daily activities like getting out of bed or getting dressed; others go through the motions, but it is clear they are not acting or thinking as usual.
Perhaps we should have a different name for the syndrome that drains the zest for living and replaces it with anguish, guilt, pessimism, irritability, and the inability to experience pleasure --a condition that saps the appetite for food as well as for life, blocks access to the sanctuary of sleep, depletes energy and the motivation to rally, and [sometimes] fills the mind with morbid thoughts, including the wish to be dead.
The term “depression” misleadingly suggests mere transient discouragement or sadness, rather than a pervasive and persisting state of pain and dysfunction.
During a period of depression there may be persistent feelings of sadness and emptiness, tearfulness for no apparent reason, or irritability and hostility toward others.
Mental speed and activity are usually lowered; ideas are fewer. There is a poverty of thought, and responses to the environment are painfully slowed.
Family members may be surprised by dramatic changes in mood that seem to have no obvious association with life events.
Although nearly everyone experiences periods of sadness as well as periods of well being, people with affective disorders during an episode of illness experience these emotions to an extreme degree.
Over half the patients with severe depression exhibit striking abnormalities in the function of their pituitary-adrenal axis. The pituitary gland is the master gland of the body, connected and directed by the brain, that controls hormonal function throughout the body.
In depressed patients, there is a marked increase in the release of the hormone that causes secretion of the stress hormone, corticosterone. Furthermore, this release from the pituitary is markedly disregulated.
For some types of depression, particular drugs may be more effective than others. For example, “atypical” depression (featuring variability of mood over time, reactivity of mood to stressful life events, and overeating, oversleeping and intense fatigue) appears to respond particularly well to drugs known as “MAO inhibitors”.
The effective drugs target very specific brain systems --systems using “monoamine” neurotransmitters, in particular norepinephrine, serotonin, and dopamine. **These neurotransmitters broadly influence brain function in regulating activity of brain stem, limbic system, and cerebral cortex, areas important in arousal, attention, vigilance, and emotion. **
Be Able to Tell Fact from Fiction
Myth: [People] who claim to be depressed are weak and just need to pull themselves together. There’s nothing anyone else can do to help.
Fact: Depression is not a weakness, but a serious health disorder. Both young people and adults who are depressed need professional treatment.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Now that you have the facts, you can perhaps understand why comments such as, “ye seem too damned rational and clear-sighted to need chemical alteration,” and “ye don’t sound mentally ill – ye sound tired, prideful, routine stricken, and stuck in a rut,” are so completely off base that they’re offensive.
And maybe you’ll understand now why it’s incredibly difficult to simply “change something in yer life for no better reason than the sheer damned joy of changing.” And “getting [our] minds off [our] own situations and concentrating on someone else” is simply not a viable solution.
“Enough is enough” is right. Just because you happen to know one person who was manic depressive who was also an asshole, doesn’t mean you can attribute those characteristics to the rest of us. Some people, regardless of whether or not they have chemical imbalances are just plain assholes. The rest of us are not, and we don’t deserve to be lumped in together with some jerk you used to date - thankyouverymuch.
May G-d bless you with continued good physical and mental health.
Shayna
“How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.” - Anne Frank
BTW…for those of you that are like me and trying to pull yourself out of some depression, I would be willing to post my email address to help one another with issues we are confronting. I am even thinking about putting up a message board specifically for depressed people on my web site.
I think if I do that it will be invitation only as I want to ensure that the people involved are those that are legit. I will let you know in this thread if I put up the message board…I have a friend working on one for me.
Peace to all that know my pain.
Love to all that understand.
Hugs to all that need someone to help them feel better, I wish I could hug all people in my situation because a hug really does go a long way.
Shayna,
May God bless you for what you posted…your post is very informative and damn straight on the mark.
Dewalic,
Thank you my dear for standing up for me.
Zyada,
Thank you too, damn there are people on this board that understand.
Bantmof,
Thank you for sticking up for me, I appreciate those that look past the words and see the pain.
Again, thanks to all of you that posted prior to those posts. Opalcat you must be my soul-sister…as I have dealt with bi-polar disorder with my mother.
I can’t thank everyone, but thank you I really appreciate it I do.
I hope I can return the favor soon!
I agree with some of Cricks’ assessment but only because I saw a woman once that fit his description.
She was very pretty & her life was, well, as close to the american dream as one could get, yet she was very depressed. The psychiatrist did not believe her that she was depressed because he thought that she was just having the part of the american dream of ‘being depressed.’ As if it was the thing to do, a part of the dream, an ironic part of the happiness.
This lady could detail & describe & list her symtoms to a T.
Wow, this is the longest I’ve seen a medical related post go without someone making the obvious statement:
THIS IS A MEDICAL CONDITION FOR WHICH YOU MUST SEE A DOCTOR. THE PEOPLE ON THIS BOARD ARE NOT QUALIFIED TO DIAGNOSE YOUR ILLNESS, NOR ARE THEY QUALIFIED TO DISPENSE MEDICAL INFORMATION
Jesus Christ, the woman is ill. If she had some other disease everyone would be urging her to get to a doctor, but because it’s mental illness suddenly everyone’s an expert.
Sheesh.
Leslie Irish Evans
http://leslie.scrappy.net