I’m not having as much fun as I used to. I also recently noticed some grey hairs in my beard. And dammit, life is starting to become downright BORING.
These three sad facts have led to my decision to deregulate my social life.
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The self-imposed ban on drinking more than one night a week is hereby lifted. Hopefully, this will have the desired effect of getting me to go to more social events, thus increasing my chances of finding a nice girl.
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The 10-hour workday minimum is hereby repealed. In its place, a 10-hour workday cap will be imposed. No single day may contain more than 10 work hours. Hopefully, this will get me into more social situations and will also have the positive side effect of getting my lazy butt to the gym more often.
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The Social Life Improvement Act of 1987 is hereby repealed. For those of you who aren’t familiar with this law, it was a promise to myself that I would never go on dates that included visits to mini-golf courses, bowling alleys, or 24-hour diners. The legislation was well-intentioned, but nonetheless overly restrictive.
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The 2000 Social Life Growth Act of 2000 is hereby signed into law. This legislation provides for the following:
- A minimum of one keg party per month, hosted at my apartment.
- Date quotas: I must go out on at least one date per month, or $500 will be forcibly withdrawn from my checking account and placed into the Date Fund, a tax-free superfund for improving the quality of dates.
- Gym quota: I must go to the gym at least three times per week, or Fudgesicles will be permanently removed from the shopping list.
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I have introduced a comprehensive ban on dining alone. No more lunches or dinners by myself. I promise to call friends, family, casual acquaintances and, to a lesser extent, business associates for gathering at mealtimes.
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I promise to revisit this new legislation within 6 months to evaluate its effectiveness.
Now, you go. Get rid of some of the restrictions you’ve placed on yourself. Introduce some new rules that will force you to go out more, work less and generally have a better time than the one you’re currently having.