I have 1 Week to Change My Life (semi-long)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Well, I just landed back in the bay area (where I’ve only lived for 2 months) after visiting my family in Washington for Xmas and find myself with a week left of vacation before my inevitable return to work. As such, I really want to use this time to improve my life.

Normally, I’m a shy, quiet, anxious, nervous, non-outgoing, socially awkward, never-had-a-date, completely reclusive individual. It’s to the point where I almost never leave the house unless there’s something essential I really need (i.e. food) and this has been the case for years. This, as you can imagine, is very unfufilling.

However, during my brief 3-day stint back home, I had a great time hanging out with my old friends. While I had some initial (irrational) anxiety about calling them, I forced myself to do so and ended up having an awesome time hanging out with them. It proved to me that I am capable of being the antithesis of my usual self.

That momentum has stayed with me for the past several days and has enabled me to feel less anxious in social situations. However, now that I’m back home, I’m afraid I’m going to revert to my old, anti-social self - and I want to try *everything * I can to avoid this.

As such, I need to find things for me to this week aside from staying inside watching *Lost * DVDs all day. Some of my goals include:

[ul]
[li]Interact in Social Situations[/li][li]Get in Shape / Staying Physically Active (I’m slightly overweight, plus I think this may aid in the goals both above and below).[/li][li]Meet girls[/li][li]Try new things[/li][/ul]
Now I realize a week isn’t a whole lot of time, but it’s enough to get me started (hopefully). I’m open to ANY and ALL suggestions that anyone has that can help me turn a new leaf, whether it’s activity ideas or tips on staying motivated to avoid reverting to my boring self.

Note: In case it matters, I’m a 22 year old, male, Bay Area doper.

2

What do you care about? Volunteer for a group working in that field. I’ve had some social issues myself, and I’m in about your age range; I happen to be passionate about equality, and for us Californians it’s pretty damn easy to find a group supporting that cause which will be more than happy to take volunteers. I myself am going to start volunteering for PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) soon. Volunteering can bring you in close contact with other individuals of your age who have the same interests and–more importantly–are passionate about them. Be pleasant at the meetings and such, maybe bring some sodas to the events, and you’ll find yourself invited out for coffee or beer sooner or later; there you can relax in a social setting with people who you know are somewhat like you, have some interesting conversations, and make some new friends.

3

Firstly, congratulations on your self-knowledge and your desire to make changes in yourself! These alone will get you there, eventually. You just have to keep working at it. It isn’t necessary fast - I’ve been climbing out of my hole for as long as I can remember, and probably always will be. Don’t get discouraged if you have bad days or weeks - keep pushing yourself and it gets easier.

Couple of things which helped me, although they may be completely wrong for you. First are the table-top role-playing games - Dungeons and Dragons, Vampire, Call of Cthulhu, all that lot. People have mixed opinions about RPGs but if I hadn’t discovered them around age 10 I’d now be working in some part of the world where the Lighthouse Keepers haven’t yet been replaced with robots. A warning - gamers are very social, frequently colourful, and tend to exhibit an interesting range of social disfunctions, but you won’t be bored!

Second is Martial Arts. Doesn’t really matter which one - the atmosphere at the club and the attitude of the instructors is way more important. It gets you used to doing stuff that scares you on a regular basis, and it gets easier to deal with the more you do it. The world’s a bit less scary after you’ve made yourself go to your first class, had your first sparring match, been to your first grading.

Finally, if you haven’t realised it already - just about everyone’s screwed up in one way or another. The ones who aren’t just hide it better, even from themselves sometimes. You’re in good company!

4

It’s probably going to take you more than a week to change your life – and this may not be the best week to do it. (Many schools, clubs, and other organizations take a break during the holiday season.)

What you can do this week: think through where your interests are. Everyone who comes in to offer advice will suggest his or her favorite activity (“Harrumph!” thought I, “Martial arts? RPGs? He should take up tap-dancing!”), which may or may not be something you’re suited for. Make a list – as wild and free-ranging as possible – of all the things you enjoy and/or would like to have the opportunity to see whether you enjoy. Ballroom dancing? Skydiving? Watercolors? Chinese cuisine? Reading the complete works of Charles Dickens? Meditation? Film noir? Hydroponic gardening?

And then pick out one or two you’d like to start with, and see if there are opportunities in your neighborhood to explore them, whether classes offered through formal schools or neighborhood “night class” type organizations. (Northwest Philly has something called the Mount Airy Learning Tree, which offers a variety of classes and seminars – some one night, some three or four, some eight or ten – that are taught by volunteers from the community. I’m guessing most large cities – and many smaller cities – have something similar.)

And then go check them out. It’ll get you out of the damn house once in a while, anyway – and that’s the first step to making new friends and finding people to hang out with. Plus, you’ll be doing something interesting in the meantime.

5

Take martial arts lessons. If you’ll email me your zip code, I’ll see if there are any schools in my style near you.

Martial arts will definitely change your life.

6

Red Barchetta - First off, good for you for determining that you want to change. Coming to that realization and making the decision is the first big step.

For me, the way I became more social, was to realize that all people are uncomfortable with themselves to some degree. Smart guys and girls are afraid they will be ostracized for their brains. Beautiful people often are afraid they’ll be judged solely on their looks, or sometimes they cling to their looks as their social key regardless of the intelligence they posses.

Even people who are super social are often afraid of rejection just like people who aren’t social. Let’s face it, the only thing stopping us from saying something to a stranger is the fear of rejection. There’s nothing else to lose, there’s no harm in it, there’s no way it can come back to bite us, and yet frequently we just can’t open our mouths to even say Hi.

Heck, even eye contact is a lot to ask. You walk through the mall and if you begin looking for eye contact you’ll see just how many people avoid even just meeting your gaze.

I agree with twickster, this won’t be a one week thing. But it can begin in this one week and keep the ball rolling.

And she’s also right, look for social activities you know you enjoy and seek out groups for it. If you’re not sure where to look, ask here, someone will have a hookup or information or know where to find it.

As for getting in shape, there are two threads currently running on the MPSIMS concerning this. One is the Weight Loss thread where dopers discuss their triumphs and such, and the second one is The Doper Dudes getting in shape thread. In the latter I highlight an ebook which is fantastic, it’s called “Burn the Fat, Feed the Muscle” and it’s by a guy named Tom Venuto. I can’t speak highly enough about this book as it really lays out what you need to do and how you need to change your life to change your body. Don’t mistake this for a panacea miracle cure, it isn’t - he preaches hard work and smart eating, but he explains it all and keeps it simple and plain.

If you want to chat more, drop me a line, my email should be publicly accessible. This is something I am deeply driven as I helped a number of friends come out of their shells when I was at Georgia Tech. I’m no expert, I have no acronyms which lend me credence in this, but I am a guy who has been there and can offer advice or support if you need it.

– IG

7

Get off the net. Ditch all electronica. Find something to do. :wink:

8

That’s the key right there. Learn to recognize that feeling of generalized anxiety over something and ignore it. Don’t try to make yourself stop feeling anxious about stuff; go ahead and feel anxious, and do the thing anyway. If you start making this a habit, the anxiety will abate on its own.

This will probably be a surprise to Dopers who know me in person, but I’ve suffered from pretty serious social anxiety for most of my life. I still feel nervous in unfamiliar social situations, but I make myself go anyway, and I always, without exception, find that the anxiety is WAY out of proportion to any actual discomfort that may arise.

One other suggestion: Set yourself some kind of schedule. Promise yourself that you’ll get a cup of coffee at 10 a.m. every day at some certain place, or that you’ll walk a certain mile-long route, or go take a daily picture of your favorite building, or whatever; pick something that gets you up and out of the house at a regular time. It’s very, very easy to waste a whole day “getting ready” to do something if you don’t have a timetable in mind.

And JohnT’s advice is excellent. Turn off the computer, turn off the TV.

9

I like fetus’ idea of volunteering, and for another reason besides what she (he?) already mentioned - having a feeling that you’re doing something useful, however small, will help build your self-esteem, which in turn will help you feel at ease with social interactions, which in turn will build your self-esteem… You’re starting a positive cycle instead of a negative one. And there are thousands of ways to help.

If you can’t find a volunteer organization that works for you, a club, hobby group, or class is also a good option. They can overlap, too; I’m a member of a social club that is also very involved in a number of volunteer projects. What’s more fun than hanging out with friends for an afternoon? Working with friends for an afternoon and knowing that your work is supporting malaria prevention programs, for one thing.

Don’t worry if none of the people you meet at first are potential romantic interests (wrong sex, wrong age, or just plain not interesting or interested). Friend-of-a-friend, or sister-of-a-friend or neighbor-of-a-friend, is a common way to get a first date. Similarly, don’t worry if you don’t seem to be losing weight right away - your first goal when starting to exercise should be to feel healthier and more energetic, and weight loss will follow. Baby steps to start with. Time enough for big steps later.

Finally, realize that it is almost always easier to add a good habit than subtract a bad one. Instead of saying “I need to stop hanging around the house”, say “I will get out of the house for one meeting/volunteer shift/good walk in the park every week”, and build from there. “I will make sure I get at least five servings of fruit and veggies every day”, hard though it may seem at first, is easier than “I will swear off chocolate forever” - build from there. In time the good habits will crowd out the bad ones.

Good luck!

10

It can be a bit daunting, but Yelpers are a lively, fun bunch, usually with weekly happy hours (if not more often). They’re more fun in person than on those Talk boards. Plus, SF is home base for Yelp.