All the changes in my life in the past five months.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Again I thank you for continuing to read my blather. Really, just writing about my life and hearing some responses is therapeutic and keeps me grounded and stable.

As always I’ll start at the beginning. My breakup in August (on my birthday no less) careened my life into unknown territory. I’m back living with my folks, still commuting over an hour a day to work (sometimes 2 hours), and taking night classes while trying to balance my very full work load and extra music commitments off of work. I have such a tight schedule, it’s very hard for me to socialize…which kind of sucks since I would like to have a girlfriend again someday. I’ve finished my therapy, and generally I’m emotionally stable again (no crying or major emotional outbreaks).

But really there have been some major surprises from this breakup I thought would never happen. When the breakup first hit, I had lots of sympathy from my friends. I think now that the exciting story of my breakup has run its course and there is no more to gossip about that I’ve become just another guy to my friends. Many of my friends who voiced good intentions to keep up with me out of concern simply haven’t. I’ve been very aggressive with taking care of myself, and my social planning, but I think now people may be seeing me as needy. Almost everyone I know is in a relationship, and it’s tough to find time to see anyone as they are all doing things with their SO. So I often ask people to join me for activities I’m planning on doing regardless of company, and I often get turned down. I live such a busy life I generally don’t get too bothered by this, but I still like going out on the weekend with people. I now feel hesitant to call me friends and reinforce the stereotype. I’m happy to do things all by myself…but I do like company sometimes! Thank goodness for this message board! Writing here helps keep my need to express myself in check.

I even seem to be having a bit of a falling out with my best friend of some 15 odd years. I think I have some resentment for him. His ex-fiancee cheated on him 3 years ago. He was in rough shape, and I was there to listen. He had some crazy plans, and even lectured me at times for questioning him. Now he’s engaged, and I’m the single one. He has had less patience for me, and that makes me mad. I went on a trip to India with him (which I wanted to do) and it put some strain on my relationship. I thought maybe he might be a bit more sympathetic to what I’ve been going through. Anyways, I guess I’ll just keep up contact, but not as much as I used to.

I’m more interested in reading these days and exercising. Funny how I just neglected those things when I was in the relationship. That’s certainly a nice positive change.

Also, lately I’ve enjoyed my job more. Makes me question doing all these night classes and extra work. But I still have to problem of working 2 hours away, and I want to live in a city without the ridiculous commute. I think I could keep teaching though if the working conditions were correct.

I have been active in the online dating scene with little result. I sometimes wonder If I will meet someone again and if anyone really could put up with my hyperactive mind and need to be expressive. I always remind myself that the only one who can make me happy is me, and usually the bad feelings go away. I am fairly content about 90% of the time. I do miss hugs though and all those other wonderful things a relationship brings.

Lately I also seem to have learned something about myself. It might be really beneficial for me to be able to relate to the common man better. I usually have academic analytical discussions with people. It’s hard for me to talk about the regular things (weather, sports, etc) without me getting bored. Maybe I should learn to be a little more chill and go with more mainstream conversations? I still won’t change my passions (Jazz music, learning, science, movies, exercise) but It wouldn’t hurt me to dip my toes into more day to day kinds of things.

I wonder what other surprises await me down the road. Life certainly has a way of throwing your plans out the window! I feel more like a real “adult” these days. Like I’ve gone through enough in my life to finally call myself a “Man”.

Thanks for tuning in!

2

I don’t think it’s uncommon for people to change when things change. Your friends are paired up; you no longer are. Although they still like you, you all have less in common now which could be what makes them uncomfortable when you continue to try to “actively” be friends.

Could you pursue new friendships in the activities you enjoy? Like joining a book club or becomming one of the Friends of the Library? Could you shoot the shit with somebody at the vending machine at the gym? (If you don’t belong to one maybe give it a try.) How about helping with the drama club at school?

Sharing interests would give you something to talk about rather than trying to “dumb down” with mundane conversation. Besides, people can pretty much tell when they’re being patronized even if they don’t know what that means. :stuck_out_tongue:

You’re still looking for a new relationship even though it hasn’t even been six months since your breakup. As long as you focus on the quick fix of filling the void you’re not going to focus on what you really need, and what you don’t. Take it easy. Give it time. Let things fall into place.

I enjoy reading your threads and seeing how you’re doing. I think I’ve said before, you’re so close in age to my own sons I feel like I’m hearing from one of them, so thank you for sharing.

3

Many people keep telling me to take my time in the relationship department. I understand where they are coming from. I have no plans to rush into anything, but I am open to the idea. I really don’t think I’m filling a void that’s any less natural then any other single guy who is looking. When I chat with someone new, at the very least it gives me practice in the dating department. Before my last relationship I lived alone for a long time and got to know myself well. I think that has helped me to recover faster.

I think I have to resign myself that I won’t be able to be as social as I’d like to be until sometime this spring. The night class eats up my evenings as does the coursework. I’d love to join another teacher in some sort of club…except I teach at six different schools which makes it very tough for me to be an active participant at any single one of them. I’ve always found it difficult to just chat with people randomly at the gym. Maybe that’s something I could try? I often go to the university gym as it’s the only one open late with a running track. The people there are in their early 20s. I have a bit less in common with them. I like your advice though! It’s just a bit tough right now to implement it. I’m looking into finding some sort of Friday night organized activity. And I may look into going to a Unitarian Church Service this weekend (that’s something different!) in addition to my swimming lessons.

Glad someone like’s my posts :slight_smile:

4

I’m glad to hear that you at least still have a job, and one that you like. And music can be helpful. It’s helping me through hard times.

Hang in there. :slight_smile:

5

Keep doing what you’re doing. You sound like you’re on the right track at about the right speed. I will beg to differ with the opinion about filling the void with something or someone temporary. You seem very self aware so throwing yourself into a wrong relationship is probably not something that’s likely to happen. If you find somebody who isn’t necessarily the one but whose company you can enjoy, do it. With all cards on the table, I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. It can help in both the short and long run.

You’re going to be okay.

6

That was my first thought aswell.

Why not as part of a fresh start actively pursue a new hobby, or go further with an old hobby.

I’ve always been interested in Astronomy and Archeoology, but mostly from a reading/viewing perspect.

If I had to reboot my social life maybe I’d physically join a club devoted to either of them and apart from the interest in the subject itself, I’d meet other people there for the same reason, as opposed to hooking up with someone which can be a buzz killer in itself.

Though of course you make new friends and might meet someone special.

It also gives you something new and different to talk about to your old friends.

No matter how desperate a persons problems are, and no matter how unfair it is even the biggest saints, and the oldest friends will drift away eventually if they have to keep hearing about it and keep sympathising.

As has been said before, this is not because they’re uncaring people, but because amongst other things it makes them uncomfortable and starts making them feel unhappy.

Sending good thoughts your way, I hope that this is the beginning to a fresh, new exciting life for you !

7

Hey guys,

Really the purpose of my thread was just an expressive outlet. Things are going great! But you know those long days that we all have sometimes? It used to be therapeutic for me to talk to about them with someone. Like if something crappy happened at work. But these days I’m such a hermit that I rarely get a chance to express myself to someone. This board is so helpful for that.

As for hobbies: I’m training for a half marathon again. I’ve lost 18 pounds and gained some muscle. Also I’m practicing guitar much more than I used to. Plus a night math class. And tonight I’m sitting in with a Pep Band on trumpet.

I guess I was a bit on the down side when I wrote this thread, but I do mean it when I say about 90% of the time I feel great to be out of the shackles of my last relationship. I am making the most of it…perhaps too much! I have no free time! :slight_smile:

8

Great post, you’re very articulate. I agree that the SDMB is a great outlet. I don’t post too often anymore but wanted to say it sounds like you’re working toward something great.