A winter sports area where you can throw stuff into a quarry while snowboarding.
And re-open it every morning!
The restrooms will each have two toilet paper dispensers, one with the paper coming off the front, one with it coming off the back.
Using the wrong one (as determined by daily entrance poll) will result in a mild electrical shock to the nether regions, and a large light coming on outside your stall to induce public shaming.
Washing your hands will shut off the shaming light, but the park will be open for three months before any man discovers this.
There would be a “20,00 Leagues Under the Sea” type ride except you would visit a mock-up of Mariana’s Trench. The ride lasts for 20 minutes.
An exhibit on how a babby is created.
You already won with your first post, you’re allowed to stop now 
A “Great Debates” attraction where you get to argue with a brick wall.
♫ *“It’s a Dope world after all. It’s a Dope world after all. It’s a Dope world after all - it’s a Straight Dope World”. *♫
Speaking of squids…
There will be an Initiation Complex. It will be an optional attraction for those who want to truly partake of the SDMB experience.
It will be adventure-based; participants will have to find their way through a series of mazes and challenges. See this initiation thread for an example.
Those participants who survive will exit with skip-the-line, eat-free privileges at other attractions and restaurants in the park. Participants who do not survive will be deposited right back inside the entrance to the park, as if they had just arrived and entered. If they do not survive in a truly spectacular fashion, they will be deposited outside the park, with the entrance visible in the distance. 
If we’re lucky and the designers are good, it’ll be like Cthulhu meets Minecraft with a bit of mad science, laser tag, and romance thrown in.
Also, we need a subway that does this.
Only if you step off the path in the garden of cite-pansies.
Uh, no. It’s the BBQ Pit. It’d serve the best ribs and slaw this side of the Mississippi.
All right! I’d like to come.
Damn! Now that freakin’ song is going to be in my head all day.
Pan-fried semen will be available from all the food stands.
The coffee shop(s) will have every possible type of coffee, coffeemaker, grind, you name it.
There will be video rooms that show Mad Men, Downton Abbey, Homeland, Breaking Bad, True Blood, Leverage, The Sopranos, and other favorites on a searchable, endless loop, so you can either watch whatever’s on or navigate to your favorite episode/moment.
Snacks and beverages will be dispensed. Along with tissues and xanax.
And you’re only allowed to go on it once.
Places where you can enter the park but you don’t do anything but watch other people participate. A lurk zone.
A nitpicking station. You know, for if you need actual nits picked.
And spam will not be available.
Needs and entire **Pedantic Land **section.
I am so looking forward to the freak show!
Where people with odd diseases can show you their body parts for you to diagnose and give suggestions - no real doctors allowed in!
There has to be a Judge Judy type of show, where we can listen to insane people rant about how they were unfairly fined/imprisoned/cheated/ripped-off - and get the real verdict.
Plenty of room for scary clowns who do really stupid things that don’t end well and they are not ashamed of showing you exactly how they did it!
Death Pool Bingo! Money prizes…slow game, but still entertaining.
I would like to suggest the “Cute Kitten/Gun Lovers” side show where people post their pictures of little Fluffy, and the gun nuts shoot up the pictures with automatic weapons.
A variation of “Guess Your Height And Weight” and compare what people have posted to what they really are in real life.
Whack A Troll…as the troll heads pop up, you have to beat the head down!
I think the most popular attraction will be the exhibit - “Is It Porn Or Not?” You can vote on the way out - and buy any photos/films to take home with you.