Design "Straight Dope World" - a new theme park (reprise)

Rather than resurrect this zombie from last year, I decided to ask the question again, as there are new members and new technology to incorporate into this project.

The proposition:

If you posted on this topic before, go ahead and repeat yourself as no one remembers (or likely cares) what you said back then.

Given recent legal developments, the park needs to be in either Colorado or Washington.

There must be a bar. Possibly several. At least one where only classic rock/60s folk music is played.

There must be a stage, with open mike times available for doper musical types.

Requisition: Airplane, treadmill, queue ropes.

Squid Tank and Goat Corral

Park employees answer every visitor’s question with, “Cite?”

There’s a special, secret team of mascots whose mission is to belittle each visitor’s poor spelling and grammar.

The BBQ PIT should be a dark, red-themed nightclub decorated with Chinese-style dragon fangs and billowing with dry ice smoke; above the front door the sign reads, “ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER!”

Park administrators randomly pick up and move visitors from IMHO-Land to GQ-Land, then to MPSIMS-Land, then to GD-Land, and so on and so on.

Anyone who fails to make his/her subjects and verbs agree will be put in a pit where bystanders will pelt them spitballs made out of wadded up pages from Strunk & White.

There will be a special area called “I just got a new kitten,” and no one who doesn’t like kittens will ever be forced to go there. (Some of us OTOH will spend LOTS of time there, ooooo-ing and aaaahhh-ing and making little purring noises.)

The food court will be ginormous with every cuisine, fast food, and health food imaginable. Special section for comfort food and Stuff My Mom Used to Make. A booth dedicated entirely to Marmite with workshops instructing curious outsiders in the mysteries thereof (curiouser and curiouser). The Vegemite booth will be beside it[del]self[/del].

No money is accepted for payment inside the park. You have to exchange your currency for Cecils.

There will be a dunk the Religious (or Anti-Religious) Nut game. One for every religion/denomination/flavour. 3 balls for a Cecil!

Of course, there will be a a long parkway leading to a roomy driveway where you can park.

The mascots will be someone wearing a plucked turkey suit with a mortarboard hat or someone wearing a weird animal costume. The weird animal will be a Gry.

There will be bleachers around the BBQ Pit and free popcorn.

And a “Whack the Troll” game for the kiddies.

But no spam.

Got to have a TV room for all the series that get ongoing CS threads, with marathons of classic stuff mixed in. And another one, probably on the other side of the park, for sports.

Many Grey and beige bummer-zones. People can go there to complain and feel sorry for themselves. Also put in panty locks so the chorizo can’t channel the fin if you know what I mean.

Surrounded by a balcony, from which the rest of us can toss water balloons, shoot paintballs, etc. at the buzzkillers.

Zombieland. Dunk the Conspiracy Theorist. The Unobtainium Vaults, where proponents of the latest too-good-to-be-true (therefore, um, untrue) scientific ideas can demonstrate latest developments. High yield cold fusion, et cetera.

How about The Legal Ride!?! One of those educational Disney type, slooooow moving rides where we learn the Truth About Florida’s SYG Law and the Evolution Of the Paper Towel Tube Defense while cruising along watching automatons act it out? :smiley:

Kidding, kidding, kidding…

It’d be cool to have a bar named The Ongoing Guitar Bar!

The Celebrity Death Pool, a game which will be centered around an actual pool with soccer-ball-sized floats with the names and pictures of living celebs on them. The money you pay to play will let you pick the names of 13 celebs. Any that don’t already have floats in the pool get added when you put them on your list. For the price of admission, you also get 5 caltrops to throw at the floats from outside the pool. You get points for any celebs on your list that get popped by you or anyone else playing at the same time.

From the original thread:

Yeah, gotta have this. :slight_smile:

You need a line of automated booths, like the fortuneteller machine from “Big”, only each of them has a banner that reads “Ask Me Anything!” and inside you’ve got a fireman, a lesbian, a Disney Mascot, etc.

The park needs to be in Chicago, surely? We could also have PacificStraightDopeWorld at the bottom of the Marianas Trench.


Too much like the real thing.


People who demonstrate ignorance will be given boxing gloves and told to settle their differences in the boxing ring. The rest of us can settle in to watch the “Fighting Ignorants” on a big screen TV in a bar.

“Cecilville! The Happiest Cite in the World!”

Instead of Milk Bottles, we will have a knock down the strawman game.

The dunk both/tank will be over a quarry.