My wedding was a “destination wedding” in an effort to keep the guest list small and avoid having to invite a bunch of half-acquaintences. We wanted a small event that was mostly family.
So, we moved the event from Sacramento, CA to Portland, OR.
The wife’s family and friends were from Sac and Shasta, and they all loved the idea of getting away for a weekend because Portland isn’t really much of a stretch from Sac.
Much of my family hated the idea. They are from SoCal. I tried to explain that the only difference for them is an extra couple hours on a plane and perhaps a few more bucks for a flight. I offered to pay the difference in cost for each of them between flights to Sac and to Portland.
They hated the idea for months, and I didn’t understand the hate. Thankfully, they got over it and had fun.
For me, the difference is that I don’t expect attending a wedding (in which I am not the bride :D) to put me out hundreds of dollars, plane tickets, hotels, rearranging my work schedule, burning possibly limited vacation time, etc. I may have already planned my vacation for this year. For me attending a wedding involves the price of a gift, maybe a new outfit, maybe a hotel room and a meal or two. (I don’t have kids, so I haven’t factored in arranging child care or the cost of bringing them along.) I guess I’m coming from the perspective that if it’s likely to cost more than that, I can’t go. I usually don’t have that kind of disposable income. I don’t think I’ve attended a wedding outside my home state.
It doesn’t need to be large either. Invite those whom you wish to join you. A reception does not need to be large OR expensive.
I don’t think I said it was rude, just that some of the people you’ve “invited” to Jamaica or wherever might be disappointed that they can’t come to the shindig. As for not inviting people to the ceremony, again that is your choice. I did the same thing and left out pretty much everyone but immediate family and closest friends, because WE couldn’t afford to put on a party for that many people. Yes, we may have pissed off/upset a few people, and I’m aware of that (and I can live with it). All I’m saying is that I think you should be aware of that possibility too.
Even if you were my identical twin sister or my bestest friend in the whole wide world, that would not change the balance in my bank account, no matter how badly I might want to go.
If you have an “exclusive” wedding, be it a destination wedding or a wedding on a sailboat, and still send out announcements to one and all, people may get the idea that you don’t want to spend on a bunch of guests but that you still expect lots of wedding gifts.
And I second the hurt feelings of those who can’t afford the trip.
Well, as far as wedding announcements, I’d imagine folks would want to know that we were getting married- though I can’t imagine anyone that really matters not knowing (family talks and such, of course). It’s touchy though, as I understand any mention of gifts is considered tacky, even saying something like (but better phrased) “We don’t need anything, but if you’d like to make a donation to a charity in our names, that always a wonderful gesture.” Or somethin’.
Well, to be accurate, announcements are just that – not invitations – and are sent after the wedding. They are not intended as a grab for gifts, just an announcement of the fact that Bride and Groom are now married. Anybody who receives one and wants to send a gift may do so, but there is no obligation.
You wouldn’t want to mention charity donations in them either (or in the invitations), except perhaps verbally if somebody asks.
That is a complete load of crap, as far as I am concerned.
If my fiance is from NY or CA and we elect to get married in my hometown in East Bumbledork, Nebraska, are we obligated to pay the plane fares of everyone who lives in New York or CA? Or elsewhere? When my cousin got married in her hometown of St. Louis, did she pay for me to fly? What about my college friend in North Carolina? Is this what etiquette demands? Because I’ve sure never heard it, nor have I had my tab picked up when I’ve travelled to a non-“destination” wedding. I consider the same rule to be effect for destination weddings.
The reality is, couples get married all over and whether they plan a “destination wedding” or not, chances are some invited guests are going to be out of luck and face travel costs to attend. They can decide accordingly whether or not to attend.
A couple that plans a destination wedding, of course, has to accept that the distance may limit more guests than would happen if they planned one where they lived or where one or the other family lives. But I suspect they know that.
I got married in SC although my family is from NE and my husband is from MI. I kept the guest list small because of the distance, and was gracious about the invited guests who sent regrets.
We also sent announcements later, and although I did worry about someone mistakenly thinking it was a grab for gifts, it seemed the most respectful way to spread the word and certainly was appropriate.
If you’ve looked for destination wedding advice sites, I’ll bet you’ve already run across me.
This is especially true if one side of the family/one set of friends is signifigantly wealthier than the other–inviting “everyone” when only one group could possibly afford to come would likely sting. A totally private wedding excludes no one, but if my child started their married life with all their wealthy rich in-laws around them and all I got was a card and a “wish you were here”, not only would I be hurt, I’d seriously worry that this would be foreshadowing for all the holidays to come.
I wouldn’t use the word tacky (unless you try to get them to pay for your airfare, hotel, etc. as well as their own or you invite people you know can’t come just so they’ll send you a present).
But if your guests can afford one trip-type of vacation a year, they might not want to go the same place you want to get married and they might not want to spend it with each other. (A week in Hawaii, great! A week in Hawaii with cousin Bob and Aunt Jane, not so great!)
As others have said, it becomes a better idea when there are a very few people invited and it is absolutely affordable (both time and money) for all of them.
We had a destination wedding in New Orleans. We knew everyone wouldn’t be able to make it, but we were OK with that.
Since we only invited our close friends and family (though we ended up with a big crowd), I don’t think asking people to come there was any worse than when they asked us to be in their weddings. Between gifts, clothing purchase/rental, showers/bachelor parties, and travel, not to mention the hours of labor that we put into their weddings, I don’t think we put them out more than they put us out. (Not that I felt put out.)
Pretty much everyone involved (a few sourpuss relatives aside) said it was the best wedding they’ve ever been to.
I wouldn’t be surprised if there was truth to that. Weddings in Korea are extremely expensive, for a variety of reasons, and I could see a wedding in Hawaii possibly being cheaper if planned correctly.
We were married in Vegas. Since we grew up in different parts of the country, traveling for at least one side of the family was given. Plus, planning would have sucked up so much time, money, and energy. So, we eloped to Vegas and almost all of our respective immediate families flew out. Those that couldn’t afford to come, couldn’t afford to come. No big deal. It allowed us to got together with family for thre-four days, but get away from them as well. (We were honeymooners)
I’ve got an even better idea…very novel! Why not have a small wedding in town, with a quick little party afterwards for a couple hours for everyone who can come, and then the two of you run off for a vacation on your own? You could give it a cute name, like…honeymoon!
I think I’m equating invitations and announcements, and I should know better. I don’t know how most people view wedding announcements versus invitations, but I assume that most people think that a gift is always required no matter which they receive.
I suppose it’s possible to make this kind of wedding work out, but depending on who you’re “inviting,” and the wording suggested by the OP occasions the quotes, it could be very tricky.
I think that the two getting married should do whatever THEY want. Not what OTHERS want.
As long as they’re not demanding or unreasonable what’s the big deal?
I’ve read that some of the friends might be “hurt” that they wouldn’t be able to attend a destination wedding. Well what about the couple getting married? What if they were to put aside what they really wanted to do to make every one else happy? What about their feelings?
It’s their special day and that is what matters most. Not the guests. It’s nice if it works out for everyone but usually it doesn’t. The main thing is that the happy couple is well, happy on their day.
PS. I hate big, stupid, expensive weddings anyway.
I get what you are saying, but if it’s a big deal to your mom–not some obscure friends–to see you get married, I don’t think it’s wrong to take her ability to get to the wedding into account. I had a totally private wedding–didn’t tell anyone we were even thinking about it till after we were married–and in my family that was no big deal. We aren’t ceremony people. But some people really are, and that can’t be just dismissed as meaningless: we all have some responsiblity to the people that are very close to us. We have responsibilities to ourselves, as well, of course, but the later don’t unilaterally trump the former.
If you want to get married on a tropical beach, go for it. If you want to invite people to join you, do that too. If you want to be able to celebrate with those who can’t make it, and want them to be able to join in the fun, then throw a bbq shindig too.
I think people are more likely to be bothered by it when their only option is to spend $$ and vacation time to celebrate with you, or not celebrate at all. That does not necessarily mean they expect a big pouffy white dress and catered food.
I’m from Hawaii and my SO is from the Midwest. We’ll be living together in LA. If we get married, no matter where we hold the wedding, someone’s going to be inconvenienced into flying several thousand miles.
But thankfully, I do not want a large wedding. I want a very small and intimate wedding. Everyone I want to attend either already lives in Hawaii, travels there regularly, or will have their flight and hotel paid for by us. We can have nice celebratory dinners with family and friends we didn’t invite afterward.
It’s not a perfect, balanced plan, but as I see it, it’s either this, developing the ability to be in two places at once, or eloping.
