The most cheerful wedding I’ve ever been to was held in a church hall using trestle tables for a buffet of rolls and sandwiches and with no paid entertainment.
The happy couple (who had little spare cash at the time) are still happy together 20 years later (and the stories the best man told still make me smile!).
I think it’s polite (and conventional) to have some sort of celebration where you normally live, so people can easily join you.
I also think it’s your privilege to splash out on an exotic location, but you need to be aware (as others have said) that this can cause problems for your guests - and sometimes even resentment. Some folks literally can’t afford the time or money.
Hu. I’m surprised at all the negative responses to this. I always wanted to get married in Jamaica and I did (it was wonderful, btw). We had no money at the time and weren’t about to ask for our parents to pay for it, so we saved up a little bit and made our reservations at a very…rustic…hotel. We told our families and a few friends about it and said they were welcome to join us if they were so inclined. My SIL and BIL and my mom and sister joined us–we would have been fine if no one did. (We went during the rainy season to save money, and didn’t know the exact day we were going to get married, only the week. It depended on the weather.) We didn’t make a big deal out of it or expect anyone to come…we were pleased that a few people could make it but not disappointed that others couldn’t. The whole point was that we didn’t want to deal with the whole wedding thing.
If anyone resented that they couldn’t come to our wedding…well, too bad, I guess. Really the very idea of “real” weddings fills me with mild dread, and I wasn’t about to preform in one just to appease a few people who felt the need to celebrate with me. We sent out little “hey, we’re married now!” announcements after the fact. We meant to have a reception some time but we ended up buying a fix-er-upper house a couple of months after we got married and just never got around to it. We’re still married six years later, and I guess anyone we offended by our doing what we wanted to for our wedding is over it by now or never will be.
My biggest issue with the destination wedding is that many, many times I have seen a couple start off saying that they are perfectly understanding of the fact that perhaps some people will not be able to come, and then ending up with the bride or groom being terribly disappointed that a particularly close relative or friend is in fact unable to attend due to the cost/logistics. Plenty of people in this thread have shown that they weren’t disappointed at all, which is great, but I would advise anyone considering it to think this aspect over.
I have to disagree a little bit with Cranky on this one, that there is a difference between typical “destination” weddings and the case where a couple gets married in a different city or state from their families. Within in the US (sorry, this is US-centric), there are more options for people to mitigate the cost of travel. A group could carpool together if airfare is too much for their budget, which is not an option for an island destination. People could seek out a nearby Motel 6 if that is more budget-friendly. At some destination spots that are popular for weddings, you’re looking at an area that is the resort, and that’s it. I think people who go for locations like New Orleans (or other beachy areas on the mainland) are getting the best of both worlds in some respects.
I know that any place can be a destination, I mean Gary, Indiana could be your destination, but I’d bet that most people think of island resorts when they hear “destination wedding.”
True enough. My view is a little warped because I’m always promoting the US-based kind. You know, Charleston, some inn in Vermont, New Orleans, etc. Although they are the place I think of first, they likely remain in the minority of “destination” weddings
My wife came into our room on Sunday morning in tears because her best friend from school has decided to have her wedding in St Lucia. It’s not until 2009, but there’s little chance we’ll be able to go.
Apart from the cost, we’re not able to take a week or more off, and there are better places I’d rather travel.
Real shame because I know this friend will be cheesed off if we decline.
I know it’s their day and everything, but if there’s even the slightest hint of pressure on us both to pony up and travel, I will not be best pleased. :dubious:
I’d echo other posters:
Your day, so do what makes you happy.
But… be aware that people will feel under pressure to stretch their finances to join you, even if you say you’ll understand if they can’t make it.
Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES raise even the slightest peep of complaint if people decline to pay $1000s to join you.
We did everything we could to make our wedding affordable for guests, but some of our close friends (who are still students) weren’t able to afford even a $50 train ticket.
They felt awful about declining, but we made sure we told 'em straight off that we were totally cool with it, and that we’d make sure we caught up with them after the honeymoon.
If all you want is you and a small group then destination weddings can be great, but wider guest lists increase the chance that someone will be let down.
I know the feeling. My husband and I are planning on having a formal wedding next year, and being from two different countries pretty much the first question was, “Where are we going to have it?” We quickly decided on my hometown, as my extended family is rather large, and for the most part less likely to be able to afford to travel halfway across the continent.
Besides, Nova Scotia has central air conditioning–the Atlantic Ocean
One thing US citizens planning an out-of-US wedding must keep in mind these days is passports! The rules have recently changed. You didn’t used to need a passport to fly to Mexico or the Carribean and then suddenly you did. This had caused an incredibly huge backlog in getting passports and people have had vacations scuttled (though they’ve also been granting waivers or something because of the backlog)
All you folks saying how nobody seemed resentful about your destination wedding, well, of course they’re going to be nice to you! You may not even know how little they can afford it.
My brother got married last year. There is no way I would’ve missed his wedding to my fabulous sister-in-law even if it had been someplace really expensive like Jamaica or Hawaii, but that would’ve meant going into debt and I would’ve been resentful, or at least irritated in private. They have no idea how much of PITA and financial hardship it was just for me to be a bridesmaid and pay for the dress, shoes, bra (cause no bra I had was going to work with that revealing dress) and alterations. I wouldn’t complain to them, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t a problem.
This is an enlightening thread. I have always wanted to have my wedding in India. The SO’s OK with it, and my aunts want to pay for it. I always assumed I would just have to pay for his family to attend.
What’s the protocol? I will be expecting to pay for his parents to attend, no doubt about it. Do I have to pay for his brother, SIL and their kids, too? Seems unfair, they already make more than us.
I suspect that part of the strong feelings around destination weddings is because there are two different philosophies about weddings in general.
The first philosophy says that weddings are for the bride and groom to affirm their commitment to one another. It’s about them; it’s their day; and they should choose how they want to celebrate. And that’s a perfectly fine and good way to think.
The second philosophy says that weddings are about celebrating family and community. It’s about blending two families and showing support for two people as they create their own family. It’s important for loved ones to be there to celebrate not just the bride and groom, but the circle of family and friends as a whole. And that’s also a perfectly fine and good way to think.
The trouble comes when the two philosophies clash. The bride may dearly want to get married barefoot on a beach in Jamaica, but her grandmother may dearly want to see her beloved granddaughter walk down the aisle. A celebration two weeks after the wedding won’t make up for the fact that she didn’t get to be there when her granddaughter said “I do.”
This has been hinted at earlier but not stated explicitly. If you invite a group of people to your destination wedding, there is a chance that the ones who take you up on it will be your richest, most flexible, childless friends & family, not your closest friends & family. If your closest circle includes people who can regularly travel to resort destinations similar to what you’re planning, it can be OK. But if Hawaii is an unfulfilled lifelong dream for some of them, IMHO you will wind up with an odd group of people celebrating with you. Do you want things like one sibling but not the other, one set of parents but not the other, his college friends but not hers? Or is your invitee list one that really can all get on board with a weekend in the Caribbean?
On another note, I was really glad to be leaving family behind to go on the honeymoon. Weddings are a stressful time and families can be stressful people. The thought of wedding guests extending their stay through the honeymoon week does not warm the cockles of my heart. YMMV, of course.
The done thing hereabouts, whether the couple gets married in Maui or in LA where her parents live instead of here where his do, is to go off, get married wherever, don’t expect me to come, but then come back and have a big reception here so we can all come see you. (It was also the done thing when a guy I knew got engaged to a Chinese girl over the Internet and married her over there - they came home and had a party here.)
But the whole point was that we wanted to spend a couple of days hanging out in one of our favorite places (New Orleans) with our favorite people. We have the rest of our lives to take romantic vacations alone together (especially since we’re not having kids). This was probably the only chance I’ll ever have to get that group of people together, and I didn’t want to waste that chance on a forgettable little party.
Well said. And btw- how was New Orleans? I’ve always wanted to go there (cough history nerd cough cough).
You know, I was giving more thought to this whole thing last night and a few points came to mind:
[ul]
[li]Yes, I could get married in lil’ ol’ Bakersfield (or wherever I’m living, but let’s assume this is hypothetically next year or something), but in that case the vast majority of folks are going to be flying at least 2000 miles to Bakersfield to be at my wedding. My family HATES Bakersfield (like all sane people out there) and they would come, but they would whine the whole goddamned time. I literally have 2 close friends in town that I would want at my wedding and one family member (dad)- everyone else lives clear across the country (grandmas, mom, uncle, best friends, etc.). If I were them and I was going to pay for a $400 plane ticket one way or the other, frankly I’d rather go somewhere (anywhere!) other than Bakersfield. [/li]
But more than that, I’ve never wanted to get married in Bakersfield. It has some lovely areas (shocking, I know), but nothing that ever really struck me as a place I’d want to make such a beautiful commitment. I suppose we could drive up to the mountains or over to the coast, but the point is that the bulk of our guests would still be traveling, at least on my end.
[li]Everyone keeps talking about a destination wedding like myself and my hypothetical husband would be shelling out tons of money for it. In reality, I always figured it’s cheaper than most “regular” weddings. Let’s say I did get married here, I wouldn’t particularly want to get married in my dad’s backyard (though you know, if that’s what we HAD to do, I wouldn’t really mind all that much), so I’d have to rent a hall, buy decorations, have a bar, get a big, fancy dress, he’d have to rent a tux, I’d have to pay for hair and makeup (I wouldn’t HAVE to, but it’d be nice to not have to worry) we’d have to have a DJ, a band, or a good friend hanging out with the cds, a photographer (who always rip off wedding parties), etc. and so forth. [/li]
Whereas at the resort I stayed at last time I was in Puerto Vallarta, they had wedding specials for $700 that included a band, an official, champagne, flowers, pictures, hair and makeup, private dinner on the beach for up to 15, a bridal suite the night before and for preparations, a “honeymoon” suite for that night, AND unlimited spa treatments for the bride and groom. Seriously, I was astonished when I read that too and I figured that the weddings would be super trashy, but I watched a few and the people looked so blissfully happy being married at sunset with the waves crashing behind them as the sky turned pink and orange.
Our plane tickets to Puerto Vallarta this last time were $150, round trip. It was off season, so the (all inclusive–food, drinks, and activities- , 4 star) hotel wasn’t even $150 a night. I’m a deal shopper when it comes to vacations, obviously heh. While I understand that such a trip isn’t ideal for everyone or isn’t within the scope of reality, I would genuinely be ok if it was just the two of us on the beach.
[li]Also, as far as grandma getting left out or something, I suppose I’m different in the sense that I come from a family of people that love to travel and thankfully have the means to do so. If, for instance, my husband’s mother or sister couldn’t swing it, I’m sure we’d find a way to make it work so they could come, even if that meant us doing a little extra saving for them. As far as friends though, unless it’s someone either one of us absolutely must have there, well then it’s ok if they can’t make it. If that person is a necessity, well then we’d have to find a way to swing them too.[/li][/ul]
I guess I’d just rather spend that time with the person (and if they can swing it, people) I love in a beautiful place that I love. If worst came to worst and we were completely broke ourselves, I’d have no problem running off to the courthouse and doing it that way. Hell, in the end I wouldn’t even mind running off to Vegas and doing it on the cheap there. Ideally though, if I’m going to have to pay $2500-$5000 for a wedding**, I’d rather feel like I got something more for the money than some party that I wouldn’t want to go to if my presence wasn’t mandatory.
**Yes, I know that weddings don’t have to cost that much. I know, we can just get married in the backyard and have a BBQ for $50. Realistically though, if I was going to force everyone to come to the hell that is Bakersfield, paying a thousand bucks in the process for flights, hotels, and food, I probably should have a “real” wedding and not what I’d consider a fun backyard shindig.
[li]Everyone keeps talking about a destination wedding like myself and my hypothetical husband would be shelling out tons of money for it. In reality, I always figured it’s cheaper than most “regular” weddings. [/li][/QUOTE]
The point is not that you would be spending more, it is that in some cases the *guests * would be spending more. It comes across like “Rather than me spending $5000 to have a wedding in Bakersfield, how about 10 people spend $500 and we have a wedding in Puerto Vallarta?” If you would be spending $2500 in Bakersfield, but only $700 in Puerto Vallarta, IMHO it would be a lot cooler if you spent the $2500 and hosted folks to a greater extent.
You do realize that those people would likely be having to pay $500 to fly to Bakersfield, right? Plus a hotel while they are here for however many days, plus the meals that wont be at the actual reception itself. Oh, don’t forget a rental car if they want to get around (unlike many touristy destinations, we don’t have cabs or shuttles here).
No doubt there are people who “plan a big wedding” at some godawful faraway and expensive destination with the full intent that this way they get to spend less on the reception while getting tons of presents anyway. This is tacky.
Some families have traditions that call for a wedding to be very accessible to a large group of people living mostly concentrated in one area. It depends both on the culture of your family (e.g., evidently my husband’s aunt will *die *if he doesn’t come to her son’s wedding) and how they are distributed around the country. If, as you say, most everyone would have to travel anyway, why not make the destination a fun one?
