I’m finished. I’ve spent the past 24 hours-- holy shit, has it only been 24 hours?-- trying to find a silver lining to the cloud of Jim Caldwell being named the Lions’ new head coach, but I can’t find one. So I’m done, and I encourage you all to exit the bus with me. No more rooting for the Honolulu Blue.
These rat bastards have given me nothing but heartbreak for the better part of my life. Ross, Fontes, Ware, Peete, Kramer, Mariucci, Mornhinweg, Moeller…and of course he who shall not be named. Sure we’ve had some bright spots-- none of which are found in the post-season-- Sanders, Megatron, and Chris Spielman gave me reason to root for a Buckeye. Heck, I even bought his jersey.
But I’m done. Finished. I’ve given them my hopes, only to have them smashed. I’ve given them my Sundays, only to have them ruined. So now I give them my middle finger.
And hello Chicago Bears. You’re my new team. You briefly wooed me in the mid-aughts when I called your city home, and you rewarded me with an appearance in the Super Bowl. My goodness, what a thrill it was to actually have a team I give a shit about IN THE DAMN SUPER BOWL!
I am so sorry for abandoning you a couple years after I returned to Michigan. I should never have left your fandom. But I’m back, and I will stay faithful this time. I promise all of my quarterback bitching will be directed squarely at Jay Cutler from this day forward.
So, Lions fans, this is the end of the line. It’s time to pick your new team. This franchise does’t deserve our sweet, sweet love.