Developing agoraphobia from depression

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I think I’m seriously beginning to develop a mild case of agoraphobia. I haven’t left my 650 sqft apartment since Friday afternoon. Part of it is that I don’t really have anywhere to go. I don’t have “friends” in the old-fashioned, caring-deeply-about-one-another way; rather, I have lots of acquaintances that I’ve tried to turn into friendships but have not succeeded because I don’t share many, if any, of their interests. We go out sometimes, but now that most of them are getting ready to graduate and move off to teaching positions, there is less time for having fun.

Lately, I’ve done lots of things outside the house by myself, and I can’t say that I’ve been entirely unhappy. It does make me feel weird when I go out to eat by myself, and so I frequent places where it is not that unusual to see a guy eating by himself. The thing I like is that I never have to compromise on anything. I can see whatever movie I want, for example. I’ve seen lots of movies that hold no appeal to the aforementioned acquaintances. Tonight, I seriously thought about seeing The Crazies*, ***just because I like zombie-types movies.

That’s when I realized I felt some weird anxiety that kept me from going out, and thus why I think I’m developing mild agoraphobia. This feeling of anxiety when outside the apartment is getting more frequent and harder to fight. It’s as if I am constantly of two minds: I want to get the hell out, but then I don’t. When I finally do emerge from my cave, it takes me a while, but I do feel better. It’s a battle, though.

For those who may not have seen my personal posts before, I take Paxil, BuSpar, and Wellbutrin, and have been diagnosed as clinically depressed with accompanying anxiety by a therapist (who I still see and am becoming VERY attached to, but that’s another OP that I did a while back). I do manage to make it to the rec center on campus three times a week, but it’s a battle to get over the “they’re all staring at me” feeling (also detailed in another thread). Plus, I don’t feel energized, invigorated, or more relaxed after exercising. But I’m not giving up, because several Dopers have been kind enough to share their experiences with me and given me great encouragement (thanks :)).

I suppose I don’t have a specific question for anyone. I just needed to vent about things. I have a girlfriend, but it’s a long-distance thing and she always just blames herself for not being able to make me happy or “fix me.” My parents are alive and extremely loving, but they idolize me (Mom especially) to the point where it’s almost as if I can do no wrong. I’m very uncomfortable being lionized this way, so I don’t unload on them either. So all I have is my mind, my therapist, and the Dope. The first works against me when I get in moods like this, the second I see only once per week, so I just have everyone here.

There is more that I could write, but if anyone has made it this far, I commend you for wading through all of the foregoing text.

2

I’m at least on my way to your boat, if not actually in the same one! :slight_smile: I, too, have been in my loft since Friday afternoon, even though it was a gorgeous weekend. As various things in my life have gone wrong, I’ve become more and more introverted, letting myself and my surroundings go to hell. I am so overwhelmed by all I have to do that I just sleep the weekends away, insuring that these things don’t get done. I have generalized anxiety disorder, for which I take Lexapro and Xanax (as needed.) My parents also tend to idolize me, for whatever reason! It’s gotten to the point where I wish someone would just get power of attorney over me and get my shit done. I feel pretty pathetic at this point. I haven’t even showered since Tuesday. I am normally a very fastidious person, house-work wise. Now, there are dirty dishes in the sink and clothes piled about. My family came over last night and I had been sleeping from noon until 6 pm…they arrived at 6:15! Luckily, I had done a bit of a clean-up the night before and they were bringing all of the food! I have no energy.

3

Well, Hazle, you have my best wishes.

4

Back atcha’! PM me if you’d like to vent or compare situations!

5

statsman, I’ve had some similar problems in the past. One thing that helped me was volunteer work. I found a community organization where I could help for 3 hours on Saturday. At that time in my life, things were so complicated, and it felt good to do something simple that created an immediate benefit that I could see. My perspective had gotten messed up, but it was helpful to me to get to know the other volunteers, who were people of different ages and circumstances who showed up every week to work together for a common good. I know this is sounding kind of cheesy, but it really helped me to see that the world wasn’t as dark as it had seemed at the time. Also, don’t be afraid to tell your therapist that you might need more help. There are support groups, or you might need an extra therapy session or two, or a med checkup. Good luck.

6

You taught me a new word. I had no idea that “lionize” was a word, but I think I’ll use it more now. Especially when referring to what the paparazzi does to Miley Cyrus.

When I get really depressed (I’m bipolar), I don’t want to leave the house. It’s not that I get super anxious about it, but I do actively try to find reasons to not leave. I’m out of milk? I’ll eat bread for breakfast. Need to get gas? I’ll get up early before work and do it. etc.

I force myself to leave to go to work, but I come home right away and spend the rest of my time cowering. Well, not actually cowering but making sure I don’t have to leave.

7

I went through this as an undergraduate in college and it got bad enough that I missed over a month of classes and ended up withdrawing from school.

The best way to treat anxiety is through exposure. That means that you have to do the thing that makes you anxious. If going to a movie seems like too much, then you have to at least walk down to the end of the driveway. The next day, walk to the end of the block. The next day, to the grocery store, and eventually you’ll make it to that theater.

It’s going to suck at first, maybe you’ll have panicky feelings or anxiety, but you have to just ride it out. Try to test yourself like this every day. For as long as it takes for you to realize anxiety is not going to hurt you. Remember ‘‘discomfort, not danger.’’ There is a difference between the two and you have to learn it.

I know that’s probably not the answer you want to hear, but it’s the single most effective treatment for panic-related disorders including agoraphobia and there are like a gazillion studies proving that it works. I don’t know if your therapist is a CBT therapist or not, but you got to get yourself into some CBT, man. If not in therapy than via workbook or something.

8

If you can force yourself to go outside and take a short walk, that will help (it has for me). Once you are doing that, things should be easier.

9

Thanks, everyone, for the support. I’m feeling a little better today.:slight_smile:

10

statsman, that’s great! One thing I have found in coping with my own depression (which I now consider moderate and chronic but manageable) is that I really have to take advantage of those good days. On those good days I try to get motivated, get out of the house, or do whatever I need to do to reinforce the behaviors I want to continue. I really do think of it like climbing out of a pit. Some days you feel stronger than other days, so you have to take advantage of those strong days to climb as close to the exit as you can. You might not get all the way out, but you’ll have made progress, rather than slipping further down. Sometimes my greatest triumph is not feeling worse.

11

Thanks, olives! I must say, you’re something of an inspiration to me, given that you seem to be so productive as a doctoral student (you’ve written about how much writing you have to do in other threads, and I tend to read threads of people who are in the same boat as I). Lately, I have found it very difficult to write. Fortunately, I’m in a more technical area, so most of my output these days is writing code for statistical simulations. But the writing part of the dissertation is coming soon. I’ve tried to get some papers in the pipeline on my own over the course of my studies, but I never got the drafts completely written because it just seems like such a big mountain to climb. I have find the sources, read them enough to know some of what is going on, and then try my damnedest not to plagiarize. I just freeze up and can’t seem to get anything down on paper.

Yeah, I know. I’m in big trouble.

12

**olivesmarch4th **said a lot of what I came here to say. I’ve had full blown agoraphobia so I know how you feel. The most important things to remember are 1) don’t make associations. For example, if you are driving and you start to feel anxious don’t make the mistake of assuming that it’s the driving that is causing it. And 2) don’t avoid things for fear of anxiety. Keep exposing yourself. The thing that got me through it was a phrase that my Dr. told me “You don’t have to be comfortable to live”.

13

Hey, olives. I didn’t mean to weird you out with my previous post. I intended it to be a compliment. Sorry for any confusion.

14

Um, no worries, I took it as a compliment. Though I must confess I am not a doctoral student. I’m a Master’s student in a program that requires an exorbitant amount of reading (300-500 pages per week) and paper-writing (1-2 papers per week) on top of a 24 hour weekly internship. It kicked my ass all over the place in the first semester, but I’m finally starting to get my balance.

I do have plans to apply for the Ph.D. program in social welfare this Fall, because I’m apparently some kind of masochist. So you weren’t too far off. :wink: I will be sure to direct my statistics questions to you, because I am certain I will have many.

As far as writing goes, it is heavily emphasized in my program, but that is good for me, because I love to write. The idea of writing a dissertation makes me giddy with excitement. But I still procrastinate all the damn time on writing things, so it happens to all of us!

(Oh, but the relevant part of this is, as an undergraduate, I did have to withdraw from school due to incapacitating depression, and it took me two years before I was ready to return. But I came back with a freakin’ vengeance. So believe me when I say this is something you can recover from.)

ETA: Plain Jain, I love that quote.

15

I don’t have full-blown agoraphobia, but if I’m home alone a lot, which tends to happen if one is depressed, going “out”, even to the grocery store gets… hard. The more you (me) stays home alone with one’s thoughts and doubts, the more daunting facing the world gets. I get really self-conscious, for one, and slightly fearful. My own cocoon is “safe”, the world, isn’t. Staying in, for me, tends to become a self-perpetuating thing.

Right now, I’m employed full-time, and have things that have to be done, as well, like the mundane grocery shopping and getting gas. I’d love to putter around the house all day, if we had the money, but I am rather certain that if I didn’t have to go out, I wouldn’t, and the more I didn’t, the harder it would be to leave my nest.

Not sure if that made sense, but I don’t think you’re alone in what you’re feeling. I’ve been through depression before, and it certainly saps one of a lot of will. So even when you want to do things, and wish you were doing things, I just couldn’t.

All I can offer is getting a reason to have to get up and go out. (For me, no work, no money, no good!)

16

Yep, that does seem to help, though you might need a buddy with you at first. And it might not be permenent. One of my parents was agoraphobia for a while, also due to clinical depression, but it passed. I don’t know if time was the cure or a change in medication, though.

17

This paragraph is a perfect description of what happens to me. During the week, I have to leave the house to teach class, go to the gym, go grocery shopping, go to office hours, etc. But over the weekends, there really isn’t a compelling reason to leave the house. I start getting comfortable indoors, and then it becomes difficult to leave, just as you stated.

18

I’m with you on that. My husband has to force me to leave the house on weekends. I try to run all my errands after work and during the week so I don’t have to leave on the weekend to run them (“while I’m out, I might as well stay out” kind of thought process). Then on the weekends, I just want to stay in my jammies, lay in bed all day and hide from the world. My husband is good at knowing when to fight me over getting out and when to just let me be.

You, Savannah and I should have a stay-at-home party… although, I don’t think that would be very effective since we wouldn’t be leaving our houses…