Did growing up 'normal' put me at a disadvantage in life

In My Humble Opinion
1

I guess i grew up in a normal household. thats not to say i was normal, i have had very weird life experiences but growing up i lived in the type of life that is sometimes portrayed as normal but is really very uncommon.

For one thing, there wasn’t a divorce between mom & dad. i think only about 50% of marriages have that.

My dad worked and my mom stayed home with the kids, i think only 9% of households are like that.

My dad was in the top 5% of wage earners for as long as i can remember. He also had a college degree (only about 30% of adults have a college degree)

We lived in a small town, no real diversity. no homosexual parades, no minorities, no nothing equated with multiculturalism i guess.

owned our own house.

dont think i ever saw my mom & dad fight.

Both brothers went straight to college after high school, one did a BA & MA, other is finishing his BS.

now that im growing up i realize that this is all very unnatural way to live, even thought its portrayed as natural on TV to live in this environment. I sometimes fear it set my standards too high in life. Im never going to ‘accomplish’ these things, and i honestly don’t want to but i think i feel a subconscious pull to try to do so. i fear my brothers are the same. My older one is trying to live ‘the american dream’, he wants to be a dentist (even though he already has a M.A. in marketing), have kids, stay with his wife and life in his hometown. My younger brother wants to be an MD, but he, like me, is somewhat mentally unstable. maybe unstable is the wrong word, maybe cynical or perturbed by ‘the american way of life’ is a better word for it. I have always dreamed of saving up 25k or so and moving to the forest, building a small shed (insulated of course with a chemical toilet, generator & water treatment), and hooking up a satellite for TV & internet and just living in my little 8x12 foot room, living off my 25k for about 5 years or so. My younger brother is the same way, he doesn’t want to be ‘normal’ or to try to accomplish the US white, middle class dream even though he is trying hard to become an MD. But i think his lust for medicine is sincere, even though his choice on the most prestigious & financially lucritive medical career may have been due to his upbringing.

dont even know why im posting this, maybe just to throw out an idea and rant. Now that im growing up i see cracks in the system, how my mom was somewhat mentally unstable due to her abusive childhood, how my dad worked 60+ hours a week (usually from 9am-10pm M-F with every other weekend off) and was never home, i think one of my parents had an affair, both have had or do have depression, i have had alot of problems, my mom had a daughter from another marriage that i never knew about until i was 16 or so, etc.

2

Wesley - I’ve always read your posts with a small fleeting notion in my head. A notion that I like your posts because I can tell you are growing up in an America very different from the one I grew up in, an America that you describe so well ‘only’ in what your post… 'How to pay for College etc…etc…

You are growing up in a society where you are left alone to realize that life is what you make of it. You are only as good as what you can do and how you can make it. I really enjoy some of your posts…I see your feelings a lot in my work. As a college Prof. I am also an advisor, and I see a lot of things that are very similar with my students. They are wondering how the heck they are going to pay for their 35k a year school, how they are going to build any semblence of credit in the near future…how they are going to this…that…the other thing…

I usually tell them that it is life that they are dealing with…it is a life in a country where if you work for it you’ll get it…throw in a little savvy pitch for posterity and you get it. Easy…? Heck no! the opposite of easy…it’s quite difficult in this day and age to make yourself more marketable than the next guy… for that dream job…but what is the incentive? The incentive is being able to do what you want when you want it and to know that when you are done what you have made for yourself is yours and yours alone.

I have spent the past 10 years working my ass off in a job that I fell into (adjunct prof. then associate prof.) and I am happy to say I worked for every last cent…given blood even.

So as per your OP - growing up normal has made you just like everyone else…Normal* And you are going to discover things in your life that challenge your very being on this earth…and things that entice you to no end…and things that make you say…“hmmm…now why did that happen…” - things that make you angry, things that make you ask questions, things that hit the special nerve and things that down right make you depressed and happy at the same time. The answer is…that there is no answer. That growing up in America today is hard and at the same time easy…and at the same time exactly what you make of it.

So my WAG is that you are at that point in your life where you see things in a light you never had before. And you are on the right path to discovery that makes this whole situation of yours wonderfully normal and adventurously your own!

Enjoy every minute…you deserve it.

3

Wesley,

I was raised in a family very simalr o yours. I experienced the same feelings you are having now. I did not really see the point of going through school getting a job and having 2.5 kids ect…

So at the ripe age of 17 I took off from home, actually my dad asked me to leave because I was to over the edge. I spent a year travling around the country, I wanted to live in the woods like you said. I tried that for 2 weeks and was bored out of my skull after I had read all my books and explored the area (no internet back then).

I realized that I had a much better time meeting people in different cities and states. I met people who where raised in a much differnet enviroment than I was. Poor people, rich ones different religious beliefs. I like this new knowlege so much that I wanted to see more of the world, so I joined the navy, you know that commercial “Join the Navy and see the world”, but they do not mention that three quarters of the world in water. The navy was an eye opener for me, I went to countries that the annual income was $500 and these peole where living on that. I guess this whole process just made me start to appreciate what I could do with my life. I had all the opportunities, these people did not.

I left the navy and started working as a programer and started college. I chose electrical engineering because my dad was one, big mistake, because I have not ever worked as an electrical engineer. I am a software engineer now I have the 2.5 kids and was married and now am wondering again what is life all about?

I do still get the urge to drop evevything and uncomplicate my life. Yes living in the mountains with just the basics would be very uncomplicated, no mortgage, tution, work related stress. I replace that urge with going out and finding something new to learn, beer making , biking, rock climbing or whatever I can find that I do not know about.

So what is life all about for me? I guess it is just to keep examing my little piece of the world and learn from it and the people I bump into. I try not to expect anything and just accept what I come across. This has really helped me not feel depressed and bored with life.

4

Compared to most of the world, I’ve had many advantages - education, roof over my head, job, etc. Growing up I had a steady, loving family and my parents are still together and very happy.

Yeah, my family is pretty nuts too, but whose isn’t? And though I’ve had a few problems beyond my control, most of the course of my life has defined by my own actions and decisions, for good and for bad.

No disadvantages.

What really annoys me is people who go “it sucks being a straight middle-class white male these days, the other people get all the advantages”. Bullshit they do.

5

All my friends have told me that I had a very sheltered life when growing up, and in retrospect I can see why. Examples:
[ul]
[li]My parents are still married to this day, 40 years and counting. Nearly all of my friends had divorced parents or parents who had divorced after I got to know them. The ones who had step-parents invariably hated them.[/li][li]I lived in the same place from the time I was 6 (other moves prior to this were seldom) to when I moved out at 24. My parents own their home, no moving from apartment to apartment or from school to school every couple of years, if not more often.[/li][li]I was never abused or neglected. One friend of mine wasn’t so lucky, and my mother wishes she had contacted CPS, but felt it best to mind her own business. Another friend of mine wasn’t necessarily abused, but his mother criticized him a lot and held too high of expectations for him, and then yelled at him if he failed.[/li][li]My parents have owned and operated a successful business for nearly 30 years. Never has either of them been out of work. I’ve never known a time when my parents couldn’t make ends meet. Food was always on the table, the lights were always on and the house was never cold. I could count on getting most any reasonable request (I wasn’t spoiled by any means).[/li][li]Both my parents finished high school, as did my two sisters, no drop-outs in the family. My dad went to college as did one of my sisters and myself. Those of us who went to college all graduated. More than a few of my friends never graduated.[/li][li]My sisters and I all moved out on good terms and for valid reasons (each of my sisters had gotten married, I was just ready to go out on my own). Most of my friends moved out because they didn’t get along with their parents.[/li][li]Nobody in my family is an alcoholic or drug addict, and nobody has ever gotten into serious trouble with the law. One friend had an alcoholic grandfather and another had a father who smoked pot, could never hold down a job and moved around frequently. He (the father) committed suicide in 1987.[/li][li]While depression runs in my family, nobody except for one uncle has ever committed suicide.[/li][li]Most everyone in my family is in good health. Nobody has cancer or any other life-threatening illnesses.[/li][li]I also grew up in a small town where there was little exposure to social problems and socio-cultural issues. I am back in that same town and it’s a lot bigger than it was when I was growing up, it’s still a place that holds conservative values.[/li][/ul]
When I look around at what everyone else I know had to go through, I must agree, and while I am very grateful for it, I feel that I haven’t built up as much “character” as others. I have a very hard time dealing with adversity as a result. If I should ever get married and have kids I hope I will never deal with any of the problems I listed above.

6

i think i may be in the same boat as far as not being equipted to handle problems. i think all the ‘good stuff’ made me think the world was different than it really was. there was never any money trouble as my dad was always in the top 5% of wage earners. my parents never got a divorce, my town had no multi-culturalism or problems (no crime, no mass layoffs, etc), nobody in my family had any real serious problems as far as i can tell.

but like i said now that im growing up i see cracks in the system. my mom used to be an alcoholic, both my parents have had/do have depression, my brothers marriage may not last, both my and my brothers discontentment with ‘normal’ life and the american dream, etc. etc. etc.

7

I think that what you really need is a good stint in either the armed services or the Peace Corps. Possibly both. If nothing else, a tour will give you life skills that you probably wouldn’t get anywhere else.

8

“Disadvantage” is the wrong word here. My idea of “disadvantaged” is an impoverished AIDS orphan in Africa, or a kid growing up in the ghetto with his frail grandma as his primary caregiver because his dad’s in jail for murder and his mother’s a heroin-addicted prostitute. Not someone who grew up in a wealthy, well-educated, loving (even if a bit neurotic, like most Americans) family.

It’s not too late to develop better coping skills and a new perspective on life. You have a lot more control over your attitude about life than a person who grew up poor, disabled, or abused has over their obstacles in life.
I think the military or the Peace Corps is a great idea. But if that’s too big of a commitment, try volunteering at something like a homeless shelter, Big Brothers/Big Sisters…maybe a summer camp for kids with disabilities or cancer. It would probably be very eye-opening.

9

Definitely travel the world, however you do it. The third world really puts things in perspective.