Did my actions contribute to her demise?

I once had a beautiful and intelligent girl friend here in So. Ca. The relationship was approximately 10 yrs duration. Because I could not commit to marriage at that time in my life, she left…Moved to Montana…sometime thereafter while riding in the passenger seat in an auto, the right front tire went to the recessed shoulder and when the driver turned the car back to the roadway, the passenger door flew open and she was crushed to death. Off and on, I realize that if I had married her, she in all probability would not have moved to Montana and her death probably would not have occurred. I, in fact, know that I’m not to blame obviously but it is still true that I played a part in contributing to her death…albeit…similar to a gust of wind in Japan having its effect on the airflow on the West coast of Ca. Can you see where I’m coming from? or should I put on a straight-jacket and get myself admitted for observation?

Skelton, I’m hoping you’re drunk or have some other goofy reason for temporarily feeling this kind of guilt. If this is part of your mourning process, fine, but even my imaginary friends here could tell ya there’s no fault to be had.


“I’ll tell you a secret, baby - maybe you can’t do better - gotta settle for second best” - the Judybats

They’re coming to take you away! (Ha ha)
They’re coming to take you away! (Ho ho)
To the funny farm,
Where the men in white suits come out to play! (Ha ha, ho ho, hee hee)

But seriously, every decision you make could possibly have an effect on those closest to you. Hey, if my mom wasn’t cold that night, would I be here at all!

Don’t drive yourself batty, though. I don’t think anyone blames you, save yourself.

First off, of course you’re not to blame. It’s a cliche, but accidents happen, some things are out of our control, ect. However, I do think it is natural to wonder “what if” in situations like this. As long as these thoughts are not interfering with your life, I don’t think it’s really a problem.

BTW, my son was born prematurely four years ago, and I still find myself wondering if I did something to cause it. So, yes, other people do feel this way.

Hi, I’m Byzantine and by my including you in my life or kicking you out (for whatever reason) I, ultimately, have control over what happens to you. Good or Bad. Yes, my very rejection of you could cause your demise or meteoric rise to fame. Yes. I am that powerful.

Does it seem really silly to you when put in the above manner? Good. That’s how silly your worry is.

‘Nuf said.


Best!
Byz

Think of it this way, skelton: It’s entirely possible that if you had married her, she could have stayed in in So. Ca. and been hit by a bus crossing the street or choked to death on alfalfa sprouts or fallen out of a twenty-second-story window or gotten involved in a car accident…


Your Official Cat Goddess since 10/20/99.

“We are here! You are saved!” --R. & F.

Uh, Skel? “She shoulda hada seatbelt.”

You can’t stop the random thoughts, but you can choose to not dwell on them.


Tom~

Hi Skel

I’d say yeah, you caused her demise, but don’t feel bad. Why? you ask. Well consider this…

Instead of giving her the boot, you rumminate, do I marry her or not? Do I marry her or not? Finally, out of desperation and fear of rejection, you slip her the ring. Now, I can tell from your thread that you’re the type of bloke who no matter what decision he makes, it’s always the wrong one. So now your married and almost immediately you begin to mope (you’re definitely the mopish type) and now you’re convinced you’ve made a mistake that is going to HAUNT YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR MISERABLE LIFE!

So now this dream boat sees you moping and without having to be bright and preceptive, she knows why. She knows why because you’re as easy to read as a first grade primer… which makes this otherwise well adjusted person very depressed. Unfortunatly, Prozac hasn’t been invented yet to bail her out. Out of desperation, because she quickly begins to spiral down hill, she turns to the next best thing, a daily dose of fifth of Smirnoff 100 proof and maybe half a dozen downers.

Anyway while you’re at work, she’s home hittin the sauce day in and day out. (She doesn’t to work because you’re probably some big shot who’s got a high priced job and more money than God.) But when you get home from work, she takes one look at your big ugly puss which says, “I HATE YOUR F—ING GUTS YOU STUPID B----” and has to get the hell out of there.

So…one day, after you get home and just glance in her direction, she, all tanked and doped up on five black beauties, staggers to the candy apple red big finned 59’ Caddie you bought her out of guilt because you knew, she knew that you felt you made a big mistake by not dumping her. By this time, her pain from your rejection and loathing is just too f—ing much to endure so, not thinkin too clearly she gets behind the wheel, fires up the engine and lays rubber all the way down your sorry assed, tree-lined street full of big shot homes. Twenty minutes later, doing 90 down Ventura Blvd. she takes out a cross-walk full of catholic school sixth-graders in uniform.

So CHEER UP MR NARCISSIS, you sacrificed one to save five. You’re a hero!


terggie

Skel…

When my dad passed away a few years back, a relative, who has now been once removed, called to tell me that she felt if I had gotten him to the hospital sooner, he would have lived, thus projecting alot of guilt on me, albeit short lived. I realized quite quickly that there was nothing I could have done and my taking him to the hospital when he didnt want to go would have shown utter disrespect to a grown man.

YOu must realize by now you live in an adult world. Everything happens for a reason, people make choices for a reason.

You didnt put her in that car… enough said?


We are, each of us angels with only one wing,and we can only fly by embracing one another

Tergiversater I: I looked up your Bio and found out that you are an attorney. Now I know why you are so wealthy. I assume you spend this amount of time with your client(s) to respond to a rumination that norally would take one sentence. I also looked up the word in the dictionary…tergiversater …and found that it means EVASIVE. My suggestion is to give up law and become an obstetrician/gynecologist where you might do someone some good.

I didn’t feel guilty at all in my OP but as you should know there certainly was no proximate cause of this girl’s death but how a delayed cause no matter how microscopic may have a major effect yrs down the road. By the way, did you leave out the letters in f—ing so that our members wouldn’t be offended or do you have a problem spelling the word?

skelton, i went thru something vaguely similar this summer. my sweety found out in march that he had a serious heart condition. he died of a heart attack in july, at 34.

i was devastated not only by his death but by guilt because i was the only one he told. i finally got him to mention it to his family, but they didn’t understand how serious it was & just told him to go to a doctor, which he couldn’t afford.

i felt that i failed him somehow because i wasn’t able to get him to tell anyone else that might have had some influence on him, or because i didn’t go to his family myself, or because i didn’t force him into the car & drag him to the hospital.

[it’s taken me months, but i finally don’t cry every day. i came to accept that he understood his condition & chose to do nothing (he had a horror of being an invalid).]

he found out so late in the game, there might well have been little short of a heart transplant that could have saved him. it was like standing on the side of the road & watching a train wreck happen. definitely no way it was my fault, but the guilt was there nonetheless.

ya just gotta work at letting go of it. not easy. logic has a hard time overcoming guilt. we’re wired that way i think. valerie was right about this being part of mourning. try some st. john’s wort during the day or melatonin at night if it’s getting to you to badly. & work at being kinder to yourself.


The purpose of life is to matter, to count, to have it make a difference you lived at all.

Skelton, you are blameless. I once had similar feelings for something that I was totally blameless for, but still makes me feel bad.

One bulletin board I belonged to had face-to-face gatherings and parties. There was one woman I flirted with on-line that I kept missing at the gatherings. She was happily engaged, so the prospect of going further with her seemed remote. (From people that had met her F2F, I knew she was gorgeous.)

We kept flirting (sometimes to the X-rated level), so I was getting more intrigued, and I wondered if her engagement was shaky. But the way she talked about him, it still seemed strong. I had a fleeting thought that a good way to change things was if he died one way or another.

I started going to the gatherings every week for as long as possible, but she still never showed. For months, I didn’t see her in-person nor online. Then one night, I was sitting at a booth with friends when she came in and started talking with a booth of people across the room.

“Oh, there’s so-and-so,” someone at my table said. (Yes, I’ve forgotten her name now.) I looked at her, and she was as gorgeous as reported. My heart lept, and I was going to go introduce myself.

Then the person who recognized her continued, “It’s too bad about her fiance dying so young. He wasn’t even 30.” Man, did I feel small then. I felt sure that my negative thoughts about him killed him.

(Needless to say, I never went to meet her.)

I know now that’s impossible, but I still have that Twilight Zone feeling when I think about this.


Let the Truth of Love be lighted/ Let the Love of Truth shine clear. Sensibility/ Armed with sense and liberty
With the Heart and Mind united in a single/ Perfect/ Sphere. - Rush

Don’t blame yourself, Skel. Fate does what fate wants to do; and even if it didn’t, what can you do about it? But I (hopefully) will put a retorically positive spin on it: You don’t marry the girl. She moves to Montana. A year later she wins $10 million in the Montana Lottery. Did she win the lottery because you didn’t marry her, or because she bought a ticket? When it’s time to go, it’s time to go. Personally, I hope I leave this world the same way I came into it: Naked and in bed with a woman I didn’t know.


With God as my witness, I thought turkey’s could fly.

*drollman: Personally, I hope I leave this world the same way I came into it: Naked and in bed with a woman I didn’t know. *

That can be taken another way: covered with blood screaming my head off. :slight_smile:

When I die, I want my ashes spread around my mother’s house, so she’ll have to clean up after me one more time. :slight_smile:


Let the Truth of Love be lighted/ Let the Love of Truth shine clear. Sensibility/ Armed with sense and liberty
With the Heart and Mind united in a single/ Perfect/ Sphere. - Rush

Whoa…there Skel, throttle back boy!
You’ve got quite a hairpin trigger.
Who’s your favorite “super hero,” Son of Sam?

Touchy, Touchy, Touchy…what did I do, hit raw nerve? Does the TRUTH cut too deep for you sissy boy?

Maybe you should get off the net and go back to Barnie re-runs…YOU LOUSY TERD!!!

This terse enough for your feeble-minded peanut?


terggie