Thankfully the ravages and pain of cancer are not what ultimately took my moms life. After visiting with her 3 children, she must have realized that it was “time”, and gave up eating and drinking,which, according to hospice, is not a painful thing like it would be for you or me. Her last 3 hours or so were spent with her gasping like a fish out of water, but I believe her body was simply reacting, and her mind and soul were already headed to better places!! I was still haunted for a long time about witnessing that, and my thoughts of her always brought me back to those memories, but what they say about time healing is true! It will take some time, but those images in your wives head will fade (never go away, though) and she will remember the good memories in place of how she died. I would have been appalled if someone had asked if she went peacefully…WAY too personal and raw to be asked.
A physician friend of my parents claimed that nature is so good that when it’s time we are usually so dazed that we don’t notice what’s happening.
That’s certainly what I’d like to believe as truth. And I can understand in many situations that it’s exactly like this. It’s the rest of them that worry me…
OP, I really think people don’t know WHAT to say in situations like this and they grasp at straws to find anything positive. I don’t think they’re trying to be rude or nosey. As far as whether or not it’s proper for them to ask – I don’t know. I can certainly think of more impropert questions to ask (“did they at least have a lot of life insurance?”) – so if it’s improper, it’s more of a minor offense. In situations like this you pretty much have to assume that those asking have the best of intentions and are, as humans, screwing it up.
I don’t think people really want the truth, though. And your wife has EVERY right in this situation to lie. Her mother’s last moments are nobody’s business unless your wife wants them to be and she’s under no obligation to give details. (If it were me, I’d probably say something like “you don’t want to know” and leave it at that.)
I’m so, so sorry for your loss, and I’m so sorry your wife had to go through that 
hugs
My extended family has experienced a few deaths of members and friends over the last few months and it has made me realize, this is not a question that needs to be asked. If it was peaceful, the family WILL tell you, without being prompted. If they don’t tell you that, well, there are very likely good reasons not to ask.
I recommend reading,* Final Gifts: Understanding the Special Awareness, Needs, and Communications of the Dying* by Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley.
The authors are two hospice nurses who write of their observations from years of nursing. This book has given peace to many of my friends and family members after losing a loved one.
Baracus, my deepest condolences to your family.
~VOW
Write that doctor a letter explaining the cruel results of his/her poor judgment.
OMG, I thought everybody died “peacefully”, as written in obituaries: “Peacefully at…”
I would never ask if somebody died “peacefully” because I just assume everybody does.
I just hope I go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandpa did…unlike the passengers in his car.
That brought back memories of my mom’s passing. When I left her the day before she died, she was gasping for breath. She had no awareness that we could see so your words give me some peace. Hopefully her mind and soul weren’t there to experience that.
I’m sorry for your loss.
I’ve unfortunately been present a more deaths than I would like.
Some have been truly peaceful, and some (relatively few) have been…not good deaths.
So, upon hearing of a bereavement, I’ll just give my condolences and ask how the person is dealing with it all and if there is anything they need. Anything else is nosy, intrusive and inappropriate.
Your wife’s response to intrusive questions need only be** “I’m sorry, it’s far too painful to discuss her passing any further”**- which should be enough to indicate the inappropriateness of the question, and is completely honest.
Definitely write to the doctor- what he did wasn’t usual terminal care, which is almost always typified by being on top of issues before they arise.
The palliative care guidance here (UK) is that all terminal patients have at least 3 days supply of all medications they might feasibly need to control the common symptoms one might expect to occur during the dying process in their homes, at all times, with instructions and support on what to give and when. That usually means pain relief, laxatives, sedatives, anti-emetics and medications for breathing problems.
I’m sorry for your family’s loss, and I wish I could say I was as strong as your wife. When my father passed, I couldn’t imagine being asked that question, and thankfully, never was. Honestly… well, lets just say I’m crying just thinking about it. There’s no way I would’ve handled that question in any mature fashion.
I’m guessing a broken dish or two from missing the person and some burst eardrums from shrieking would be a start. Maybe after that I would say, “and that’s about how she went” but probably not, that’s something I can think about while typing.
So no, I don’t think it’s proper to ask that question. It’s proper to give a hug and not say a word when your shoulder is wet. It’s proper to not say a word about red puffy eyes, instead just offer a squeeze of the hand. It’s proper to just be a presence in a world that has just had one the most important presences ripped from it.
I came into this world kicking and screaming and I plan to go out the same way.