I’ve accepted it many times, but never gracefully. It was always bitterly, sourly, saltily, and never sweetly. I had what I thought was the worst bachelorhood in all of humanity. Then one day (in a beer-induced haze), I decided to turn my life around and do whatever it took to get coupled up. It was truly a life-changing process, and I don’t say that lightly.
In the 17 years since, I’ve been single maybe 2 non-contiguous years total, and have turned down several offers of marriage.
If your fear of rejection, hermit tendencies, and feelings of inadequecy are enough to overcome your desire for companionship and sex, then you will probably continue to be alone for the foreseeable future. Frankly, 31 seems a little young to be acting all hopeless and solitary, but whatever works for you, bud.
Not sure that that’s the case here, but I’m often surprised at how many people bemoan the lack of love in their lives, and are completely blind to their own self-sabotage.
Yes, there is indeed a conspiracy to keep you single forever. It’s a conspiracy of one.
Statistically, women tent to marry in two big clusters: after high school and after college. When I was 25 year old college graduate who’d just broken up with her fiancé, I figured I’d never get married. Many boyfriends and few long-term relationships later I got married at the age of 36. I’m still a little surprised marriage came for me, but I’m glad it did nearly every day.
spoiler because this is not an advice thread.
Finding a date, or a spouse takes as much time and effort as any other hobby. If you are not finding a date, look at your calendar and your chequebook (or credit card receipts) and figure out where you *are *putting your time and effort. Then make a plan, and follow the plan. Seriously, you can hope you’ll meet Mr/Ms Right when you both reach for the same bag of frozen spinach at the grocery, but hope is not a plan.
I’m curious what makes you say that. Everything I’ve read (and experienced) says that men make up well more than half of online dating personals. Is this just personal experience, or do the numbers skew that differently for “older” folks? According to the book Freakonomics, he says it’s 57% men and a much higher percentage of men than women never receive a single message.
I tried online dating for a long time and never got a single date, but I’ve had some success with Speed Dating. As for the OP, 33 y/o “normal” guy who’s never had a girlfriend, but for some reason hasn’t given up. Although I think I’d be happier if I did.
I’ve talked to probably 50-60 women at those events, and only once did I think “I’d rather jab knitting needles in my eyes than spend another minute with this woman.” Most were intelligent, fun, and very pretty.
Not to hijack the thread, but I agree. Everyone there is usually at the very least likable. For normal guys feeling you’re not meeting enough girls looking for a relationship, speed dating is much less awkward than you’d think. 50+ women in a single night?!! Wow, I’d be doing that every week if the turnout was that good here (Richmond, VA). The best one I went to had no more than 12 guys/gals each and I’ve seen as few as 7. I did like my odds better at that one though.
I’m 51. Two failed marriages, and two year long relationships after those. In the last 6 years I’ve been on maybe 6 first dates; NO second dates. That’s not counting the numerous email/IM/dating site friendships that eventually petered out for reasons that usually never become clear. The times they have come clear, it’s come down to the fact that I’m an atheist in the bible belt, and my godlessness was a dealbreaker for the potential date in question.
Late last year I just completely withdrew from the market; tired of the games and frustration. So to answer the questions, I have accepted that I will be single the rest of my life. Am I right? Well, we’ll find out on the day I die.
Including “slightly older” than me never quite worked. The older ladies rejected me in the same ovewhelming percentages that the younger ones and the ones my age did.
“Slightly odder” than me isn’t an option. They don’t come any odder than I am.
Oh no! Usually, it was about 8 in one night. I just went to a bunch of events over the course of several months. If it was 50 in one night, I wouldn’t have remembered a single one of them.
When my wife died I had several people tell me that I was now prime dating material because I was a “widower with a job” - the premise being, I think, that I had already been “broken in” and was financial secure. I’m not sure if that still applies now that I’m retired.
I’m actually considering signing up on a couple of free online dating services, not so much in hopes of finding a permanent relationship but just to find someone to socialize with once in a while.
I swore off dating and considered myself a “life long bachelor” twice in my life. Within months of doing so the first time, I ended up finding someone who pursued me enough to catch me. The first time was a HUGE mistake, but I was young and didn’t know any better.
The second time was after my divorce and I was even more determined to stay single, since I was CONVINCED that all women were crazy, evil or a combination of both.
Two years after the divorce, I found myself talking to a young lady and finally decided to take a chance. We have been married almost 5 years now and I am still in love with her.
You’re right, and in my OP I was hoping to drive home the point that I know it’s 100% my fault. It’s not an age thing, it’s a personality issue, and even though I’m still young, it feels like singlehood has some inertia.
However, I appreciate the “you never know” sentiment expressed in this thread, and now that I think back to the two relationships I did have, I realize they seem just as surprising as a future relationship would. Basically, there have been two women who were able to push past my inscrutability and get close to me. While it embarrasses me that I’ve been so passive all my life, that I’ve never pursued anyone, maybe that’s just the way it works for me, and I should at least accept that.
Please consider also some meatspace ways to meet people, like taking a class on some topic you’re interested in, or volunteering for a political candidate you don’t hate completely. Making new friends after 40 is hard (for me, anyway, I hope you have an easier time of it).
At the age of 15, I realized I would never be good enough for anyone. I fought it until I was 22 or so, and finally accepted it. I’m 24 and that’s remained true so far – not so much as a single date, much less a relationship. Plenty of rejections to show for it, though
