Rumors is that plans to have Darren “the Night Stalker” McGaven play one of the survivors of the zombie hunters have been changed…
Ingmar Bergman’s next film will feature a bleak exploration of marriage where nobody smiles.
David Lynch is currently working on a film with an obtuse, difficult to follow non-narrative that will be hailed as an asrtistic masterpiece.
Bruce Willis is lined up to play a rough cop working outside the law while still possessing a heart of gold.
I’m given to understand that in his next film, Al Pacino will play a wild-eyed, shouting jerk who’s supposed to be a decade or two younger than Al really is.
I’ll second that. You can just hear him screaming “Stella!” can’t you?
I don’t mean in your imagination. He’s auditioning in New York right now, and I can hear him all the way out here in San Francisco.
They’ve finally persuaded Nathan Lane to play a gay guy.
Meryl Streep will soon appear as a woman with a foreign accent. The director and title haven’t been decided on yet and filming has yet to begin, but the Academy has already given her a nomination for Best Actress in UNTITLED STREEP PROJECT.
Anthony Hopkins is currently deciding between two roles, one being a repressed Englishman and the other being HANNIBAL LECTER GOES TO HAWAII. He’s also considering a third option as window dressing narrator/cameo for a so-so movie by a big director.
Steve Martin is trying to decide between an unfunny dramatic role and an unfunny comedy role. Either way he plans to be unfunny and give morose interviews to promote it.
Coreys Feldman and Haim have decided to return to the big screen in a big budget buddy movie that will restart their careers. Unfortunately, nobody who’s producing a big budget buddy movie has offered to hire them so they’re picking up extra shifts at the IHOP.
Danny Bonaduce plans to make an appearance as himself in an embarassing reality show or special. He’ll be joined by Gary Coleman, Anna Nicole Smith and Puck from REAL WORLD.
Winona Ryder will soon star in a movie adaptation of The Diary of Anne Frank and is purportedly working with a private dialect coach to get the English accent just perfect.
In his next film, Bruce Willis will play a strong-but-silent bald guy.
Vin Diesel will play a role that would have gone to Arnold or Stallone 20 years ago.
Maybe…or it might just involve SNAKES ON A MUTHAFUCKIN PLANE!!!
Oh, and in the spirit of the thread, I think Woody Allen’s next movie will involve him being an irritating, neurotic jew.
-Joe
Woody Allen has announced plans to produce a self-indulgent movie starring himself as a neurotic Jewish New Yorker with an absurdly young and attractive love interest. He plans to attempt to recycle material from his older movies and make it seem fresh and have a performance by one A list young actor for marketablity. Diane Keaton is attached.
Shirley MacLaine will soon appear as an opinionated if not outright bitchy aristocratic older woman who makes life hell for her much younger co-stars but really has a heart of gold.
Arnold Schwarzenegger will play an overrated actor who gets elected to public office and immediately finds himself out of his depth. (It’s science fiction.)
In a startling turnaround, Ben Kingsley will play a nasty character who is nothing at all like Gandhi!
Bill Murray’s next picture will find him playing a morose, introspective, middle-aged man paralyzed by the thought of his lost youth.
Boo-yah! Beat you by one minute! IN YOUR FACE! IN YOUR FACE!
-Joe, not winning much lately
I hear Richard Gere will be playing a sleazy and smug (yet charming) lawyer.
Antonio Banderas may be cast as a super-macho Latin heartthrob.
Chris Tucker will be someone’s sidekick, known for speaking Ebonics in a very high-pitched, loud voice, and probably bugging his eyes out a lot.
I think you meant that Bill Murray will be playing a morose, introspective, old man paralyzed by the thought of his lost middle-age.
Sylvester Stallone is planning a docudrama about body builders whose veins show through their clothing. He’s decided to use Kabuki makeup since the usual stuff just doesn’t work any more.
Billy Bob Thornton has located the perfect hairpiece for his next role as a teenager. He’s decided to show a few of his tats.
Brad Pitt has located a script where his character doesn’t have to speak.
Quentin Tarantino is nearing completion of a new script that will try to add a little subtlety to Citizen Kane remade for a character based on Dick Cheney. He’s persuaded Ronny Cox to be studying for the part and he’s looking to have Ellen DeGeneres play the daughter. There are rumors that Bob Newhart may take the role of GWB.
Christopher Lloyd has announced plans to appear as a loopy but lovable older guy who helps out the good guys.
Ryan Reynolds has not chosen his next vehicle yet, but is relatively certain it will involve comedic love and gratuitous shots of his butt.
I have heard that Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Drew Barrymore, Mary Carey, Cameron Diaz, Jodi Lynn O’Keefe, Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Garner, Jennifer O’Dell, Charlize Theron, Lucy Liu, Michelle Yeoh, Debi Mazar, Brad Pitt, Sarah Gellar, Renee O’Conner and Demi Moore will be playing a hot babe who really kicks ass in their next movies. Geena Davis will play their moms.
Here’s a movie six-fer:
–Stanley Tucci will be tied to a chair
–Judy Davis will have her head blown off/cut off
–Chevy Chase will play a smug-looking suburbanite who talks a lot but has nothing funny or interesting to say
–Ben Affleck will shout angrily into a cell phone
–Madonna will insist on and receive close-ups of her spandex-covered cervix, now that few people want their faces right in it anymore
–Scarlett Johanssen’s breasts will be mysteriously larger every time we see her, kinda like Power Girl
And this movie will be called–The Sophisticates!
I’m very much looking forward to the “Taking Care of Business” montage in Sandra Bullock’s next film.
Brad Pitt, Jude Law, Matt Damon, Johnny Depp, Tom Cruise, Orlando Bloom, Keanu Reeves, Vin Diesel, Josh Hartnett, Ben Affleck, and thirty other good looking actors have all formed a line outside “Gay Cowboy Casting Agents, Inc.”