I’m thinking it needs the following, at minimum:
A mystery to be solved.
A romance to be consumated.
Conflict – a threat to a hero and heroine.
Tragedy – one of them has to die.
A BIG fuckin’ thing (thank you, Lewis Black!)
More conflict – rich vs poor, the powerful vs the helpless, some kind of class struggle.
Massive special effects – boat sinks, planet explodes, big engine room or power plant of some kind.
2 hot chicks in a catfight – because as the writer, I want it.
Other than this, I got nothin’.
So, how about our hero? Is he another Titanic Jack, just a clever, devilishly good looking Everyman caught up in a huge disaster? Or a capable expert who’s been warning everyone about impending disaster, but no one listens? Or a reclusive guy who’s designed something that no one ever had a use for – until now?
Well, of course, but not so much that the rating stops the kiddies from coming. I almost said “naked cat fight” which would of course be my personal preference, until I thought about the impact on the film rating.
It needs to feature “In a world, out of time, one hero will emerge, with the power to change history…” et cetera. Also, big explosions, wisecracking robots, an evil mastermind and his sadistic henchman, and Kate Beckinsale in skin-tight leather. (If you can’t schedule or affford Kate Beckinsale, there are about a dozen women at any casting call that look almost exactly like her; according to IMDB.com, Rhona Mitra doesn’t look too scheduled up.) Oh, and Jeff Goldblum doing the same character he did in Jurassic Park, Independence Day, et cetera. It also helps if you can buy the rights to a beloved novel endorsed by Oprah Winfrey. You don’t actually have to follow the plot of the novel or anything; just use the title and the names of a few key characters.
Will this give you the world’s next highest grossing film? Yes, unless it tanks and goes almost directly to video.
Make it a vehicle for some mid-level young actor to try his chops as an action hero. You know, “Patrick Fugit isDeathhawk From the Skies!”
For the soundtrack, have a hot producer (Rick Rubin, Timbaland) rehab the career of a reliable, formerly chart-topping, extremely affordable 90s act like Cracker or Pete Droge.
Make Scarlett Johansson the associate producer. This will give her a fiscal incentive to flash her aforementioned boobies. Tina Fey, too.
For best use of CGI, wouldn’t it make more sense for it to be Arthur C. Clarke? You’ll get all the geeks and film nerds and he can have a big, climactic expository speech explaining who he is to everybody else.
It’s gotta have an off-beat, yet lovable, animal. One that plays sports. One that will be allowed back on a team when the local league realizes, say… walruses… aren’t specifically banned by league rules. A walrus (with a broken tusk) that plays lacrosse.
Oh, wait, thought you wanted the NEXT highest grossing “kidvid.”
Gotta include some CGI, man. And Arthur C. Clarke and John Wayne in a bar scene with a bartender named HAL is just the ticket.
Can I vote for Will Smith and Jake Gyllenhaal is some kind of shirtless “Fight Club-300” sort of scene, where they end up totally sweaty and exhausted and just grapple with each other?
Oh yeah. Will and Jake can beat the crap out of each other just for fun, and that wade in to the catfight and pull the women apart, quietly nodding to each other over the ridiculous behavior of women. Everybody all swaety and breathing heavily. And then the men drag the women off to shower rooms to “clean them up”.
We’ll just have to be really careful about where the tears are, and how transparent “almost” is.
If I have to appeal the rating, I already know who to hire as my advocate – Bill Clinton. He’s so good he can argue the meaning of “is”. Plus, if I let him watch the catfight as they film it as a technical advisor, he might even do it for free.