I'm the Hollywood studio CEO, and you're the staff writer

Cafe Society
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Since all of us here at Cafe Society (myself certainly included) are so critical & judgemental of most modern day films, and vocally dismissive of the weak, repetitive storylines they feature, I figured we might try this little game:

Imagine you’re the CEO of a major Hollywood studio. You want nothing less than a mutli-million dollar blockbuster. To that end, you must rattle off a list of no-compromise demands for things that must be included in the movie - genre, setting, who will star in it, where any location footage will be filmed, who will direct it, etc. Being that you’re a major Hollywood studio CEO (and therefore it goes without saying that you’re a coked-up, narcissistic, self-indulgent, world-class asshole) make sure to include your own ‘whimsical’ (i.e. flakey and bizarre) improvements as bottom-line demands. Dream up some product placements that must be included within the narrative. Make up a no-talent bimbo “protege” of your very own whom you insist must be given a prominent role in the film.

After you have outlined & submitted your demands, it is up to other posters to submit proposals for the film based around your demands. You get to demand alterations on any of these proposals, and ultimately approve of the winning proposal.

The poster whose fillm proposal is accepted as the 'greenlight" project will then get to play CEO next and make up his/her own list of demands for a new project, and will then by the arbiter who judges which proposal gets the go-ahead to be filmed. You don’t get to play CEO until AFTER you have submitted an approved project.

So, to get the ball rolling - As the current CEO of StraightDope Enterprises and CafeSocietyFilms, I decree that the next film we shoot will be
-A romantic film set on a flying saucer.
-It MUST star Jennifer Aniston, Dakota Fanning and Gumby.
-As a marketing gimmick, the film must have a ‘cute li’l ol-man who spouts racist epithets’ character. He must be loveable though, since we will be launching a line of plush-toy dolls based upon the character.
-There will also be an all-CGI character who, likewise, must be cute & cuddly enough to market as a line of toy dolls.
-Since we’ve leased land in downtown Hong Kong, there must be at least 25 minutes worth of scenes filmed there.
-The film must emphasize the tenents of Objectivist philosophy as outlined by Ayn Rand.
-We’re planning on marketing the film toward boys in the 12-14 year old demographic (a PG-13 rating is a must).

Now, get cracking you overpaid hacks! I’m not paying you to play with your blackberrys! I want a film proposal by sundown tonight!

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All kidding aside… Hollywood Studio Execs (This would be a development exec) are coked up and unreasonable but they are also not completely out of touch with…well… not THAT badly… a flying saucer? Come on…

Every thing else on the list is fine and quite reasonable.
And including Gumby, a lil racist old man, and an all CGI character is just redundant. Gumby would be all three. Gumby (all CGI) would be an older largely forgotten kids character who bitter (and a bit racist) after losing the spotlight lives alone in an old house. Aniston and her daughter Dakota move into the house thinking it is abandoned. There Dakota struggles to befriend
the small ‘clay’ curmudgeon. Finally Gumby warms up to her and the two become fast friends. Aniston is ad exec whose business takes her to Hong Kong to meet with a new client. There she is kidnapped and sold into white slavery. Dakota and Gumby have to make their way to China in order to save her. Along the way they assemble Gumy’s old pals for the rescue mission, Pokey and yes, even the Block Heads.
I don’t have a handle on the Ayn Rand angle yet. Maybe call in a script doctor for that.

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Don’t question my wisdom! The public swallowed the premises behind “Independence Day” and “War of the Worlds”. They LOVE flying saucers! They want more of the same! Now get Jennifer, Dakota & Gumby on a flying saucer, dammit! And I want to hear how following the principals of objectivism solves all their problems!!

And while I’m at it, I want you to throw in a plug for Levitra! Their peeps is paying big bucks for us to prominently feature it. Have Gumby take Levitra!

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No amount of money in the world excuses all of those exlamation points, Mr. Executive.

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You’re fired! You’ll never work in this town again!

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Here you go, sir!

Shaolin Welfare Zombies

Jennifer Anniston plays a cute-but-klutzy computer hacker and Dakota Fanning is her precocious niece who loves Gumby. A Hong Kong multi-millionaire played by Jet Li has Jenn kidnapped because she’s the only person on the planet with the computer skills to figure out who’s stealing money from him over the Internet. Dakota is there when the thugs show up to grab Jenn, so she comes along for the ride.

Sparks fly between Jenn and Jet, but she eventually agrees to help him after he reveals that he’s really an extraterrestrial sent to watch over Earth and protect it from danger. Jet assigns a bodyguard to watch over Jenn and Dakota – a crusty former Navy SEAL named Curtis whose politically incorrect humor keeps the tone light.

Jenn discovers that the thieves are another group of space aliens, the Ger-balls. Short, cute little CGI troll-creatures, the Ger-balls are trying to destroy humans by making us dependent on government hand-outs. These zombified welfare cases will then be trained in Hong Kong martial arts and turned loose on freedom-loving people everywhere.

Dakota is kidnapped (a second time) by Ger-ball agents. She escapes after befriending a Ger-ball child who loves Gumby as much as she does. And she brings with her the plans to the Ger-ball base.

The climax revolves around a flying saucer attack on the Ger-ball base in Hong Kong. 30 minutes of high-energy (but PG-13 rated) martial arts action. Amid the smoking ruins of the base, Jet admits to Jenn that he loves her, but was afraid to tell her because he is unable to function as a man due to an old war injury. Levitra saves the day.

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Gumby is going to play the racist cuddly guy. We open as he guns down citizens in Hong Kong. Since we’re going to license the cuddly racist character, it only makes sense. [Holds up toy Gumby, pulls the string and makes it say “I hate all you goddamn chinks!”] I mean, that’s the catchphrase of the 21st century, and it also fits the PG-13 demographic. Kids love swearing, after all. Dakota Fanning plays a computer-animated alien who attempts to teach Gumby the error of his ways by singing a few bars of I’d Like to Buy the World a Coke (thus getting in some product placement), but is then killed by Gumby. Trust me- Dakota Fanning dying equals box office gold. Jennifer Aniston tells Gumby not to listen to the alien- if he’s happy killing Chinese people, then he should keep doing it. Do what makes you happy- that’s Randian objectivism, isn’t it? Then, Gumby takes over the spaceship and blows up the world. The end.

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Oh, a plug for Levitra, too? Sorry, I was trying to look for some kung-fu movies to rip off while you were giving that note. How’s this. During the Gumby-goes-commando-in-Hong-Kong scene, he takes some Levitra from a cardboard cutout of Mike Ditka, and kills some Chinese with his penis. (Of course, we don’t see his erect penis- PG-13, you know- but it’s implied.)

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I’m leanin’ mighty heavily towards your pitch, kid! But I’d like to suggest one li’l change - the Ger-balls like to attack people by munchin on their ‘arrears.’ Aheh heh heh. See, it’s like an in-joke, they burrow up into people’s arses. We can even get Richard Gere, or more likely a lookalike to be one of their victims! Ayuk yuk yuk. THAT’S sophisticated humor! Rewrite that angle into it, and we’ve got a deal.

Mobo85 - Your idea is good, seriously man, I respect you as an artist. But blowing up the earth? That’s a ‘down’ ending, and we don’t like down endings here at CafeSociety - we like to make ‘family’ pictures that ever-boddy kin enjoy.

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Fresh off the typewriters, O Mr. Boss man, sir! grovels

Worth of the Earth

Child prodigy Dakota Fanning and single mother/swimsuit model Jennifer Anistion are shocked to find a glowing device in their backgarden while stargazing. It teleports them to the flying saucer of Gumby, alien scout, who’s studying the Earth for invasion on behalf of his xenophobic masters. Warm-hearted hijinks ensue as Gumby tries to capture them, and he learns that these “pitiful earth-beings!” aren’t as beneath him as he though - nevertheless, he finds no new wisdom in their chase, and reluctantly sends off his message to attack to his homeworld. In a desperate attempt to change his mind, Jennifer and Dakota take him to many churches, laboratories, and so on across the globe in order to convince him that the people of Earth have some wisdom to redeem them. Despite a setback (including an ambush by government agents while learning the secrets of <random mystical knowledge> in Hong Kong intent on capturing Gumby, they finally find some knowledge that Gumby is impressed by in Dakota’s homework - a school project on Objectivist philosophy! Alas, it’s too late, for Gumby’s people have arrived, and their stretchy bodies prove impervious to our weaponry. Luckily, while throwing the contents of her purse at the marauding Gumbys, Jennifer throws a (tube? packet?) of Levitra, causing the Gumbys to harden and become open to harm. The day is saved!

Something fulfilling each idea there, I think.

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I’m not working for some angry, condescending clown on a power trip. :stuck_out_tongue:

I’m going Indy.

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Shaolin Welfare Zombies has a bigger opening weekend than Shrek III. I’m Hollywood gold! Vandelay, you’re history!

Finally I get to make the picture of my dreams:

  • A serious movie about a boxer dying of cancer. We’re talking Oscar contender, baby.

  • Starring Sarah Silverman, 50 Cent, and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.

  • It needs a reality TV angle.

  • And a break-dancing subplot.

  • The whole thing takes place in the Paris airport over the course of two hours.

  • There’s a chase on horseback.

  • Plus work in a product placements for Boost Mobile and Scion.

I’m flying to New Zealand in two hours to do a meeting with Peter. Get a treatment to my assistant before I take off.

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Going indy huh? Give my regards to your inevitable distributor - Harvey Weinstein! (THEN you’ll see angry condescension from a clown on a power trip!)

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This needs The Treatment…

Seriously, if you could write up a good treatment for that, there is atleast one person in this world who would laugh endlessly for the rest of his days.

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Pochacco , baby, are you ready for:

Airport 2006

OK, follow me: Gerard Depardieu plays an aging French boxer dying of cancer working as a baggage handler at the Paris airport. Sarah Silverman and 50 Cent play contestants on “The Stupendous Race”. They must get on this flight or they will finish last in this round and be eliminated.

At the same time, a championship thoroughbred is being loaded into the cargo hold for “the big race” in the United States. Depardieu notices that the horse appears to be walking with a strange gait. Unbeknownst to our protagonists, a band of terrorists have plotted to blow up the plane over the Atlantic by inserting a timed explosive in the horse’s rear end.

Meanwhile, Sarah and 50 are at the ticket counter trying to finaigle seats on the sold-out flight. This irritates the characters in line behind them, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog and his latest conquest, a cute little French poodle, who are running late for the same flight. 50 decides to check the other airlines for an alternate flight, leaving Sarah at the ticket counter. She proves to be more than a match for Triumph’s abuse, and eventually leaves him shaking and weeping and unable to board the flight. She takes their seats and rushes off to find 50. As she rushes through the terminal, she pulls out her Boost mobile phone, pushes the call button, and says “Where you at?”. Cut to 50, who is in another part of the terminal giving pointers to a Parisian breakdancing crew entertaining passengers at another gate.

On the tarmac, Gerard has just placed the horse into the cargo hold. In the darkness of the hold, he sees a faint flashing red LED light which appears to be coming from inside the horse. Having once worked for Interpol, he immediately recognizes this as an explosive device (c’mon, bubbie, all explosives have to have a flashing red LED or they won’t work!), pulls the horse from the cargo hold, jumps on, and takes off at a full gallop toward a remote field behind the airport where he can safely defuse the device. The terrorists, meanwhile, have been watching from a distance; when Gerard takes off, they pursue him in their Scion. Lots of jumps (from the horse and the car); eventually, Gerard, who’s going to die anyway, turns and begins to pursue the terrorists, finally crashing into them which sets off the explosive. The terrorists are dead, Gerard has died a hero, and Sarah and 50 catch their flight and win the reality show.

Whaddya think? Has it got legs or what?

Oh, one thing. The power in my complex is going to be shut off for the next 7 hours, so if I win, I won’t be able to post my outline till then.

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OK, I’m game:

Here’s the pitch: REALITY ACTION!!!

We start with the star, Pierce Brosnan, chasing the villan, an even more advanced shape-shifting Terminator (played by Ahnold, and Sly Stallone, and Sharon Stone) who in the very first scene is blasting off on a rocket laden with antimatter bombs to destroy the planet.

Pierce jumps onto the rocket just as it is blasting off and hangs onto the skin as it rises into the sky.

20 seconds later, he is blown off the rocket and falls to his death.

(Fade to black. Black screen for 106 minutes. Then, roll credits)