We can’t do any worse that Jeane Dixon used to do. (Did she ever get one right?)
Mine: David Spade will star in a movie about a 40-ish wiseass slacker who somehow gets the girl. Critics will loathe the movie but audiences will be lukewarm. Andy Dick, Brad Renfro, Robert Downey Jr., Corey Haim and Tom Sizemore will star in a remake of Sergeants Three while playing Vegas lounges at night. They will forever after be known as The Smack Pack, at least until they become the first native born Americans to be deported.
Tom Cruise will revisit Oprah Winfrey, this time jumping up and down on her sofa screaming “I’m Gay! I’m in Love! And I’ve Converted to Buddhism!”, bringing out and gushing over his awkward new much younger love Wilmer Valderrama. The move will stun many, none more so than Valderrama, who it turns out is not only straight but has never met Tom Cruise and just happened to be in the Green Room. For the first time in his career Cruise will be plagued by “Straight Rumors”.
Paris Hilton will be featured in news articles as if she were actually somebody who is talented at something.
Vincent Gallo and Chloe Sevigny will star in the roles made famous by Dick Van Dyke and Julie Andrews in a remake of Mary Poppins, which will also feature Dakota Fanning and Dakota Fanning as the two children in Mary’s charge, Danny Devito and Courtney Love as their parents, and with a cameo by Harvey Fierstein as “The Bird Lady”.
Okay, I’ll take the next shift. Thelma Todd will be found frozen in a block of ice under her old restaurant/house and prove she really didn’t get killed after all but rather her lookalike did. She will attempt to revive her film career as a new Bond Girl but will instead find fame anew as herself as the romantic interest/sidekick/neighbor on Joey, bringing it to the top of the ratings. This will prove once and for all the existence of the paranormal as Randi will give up his $1 million prize, for there is no natural way Matt LeBlanc could carry a number 1 sitcom.
Gloria Stuart and Kate Winslet will team up again for a sequel to TITANIC. In this one Rose realizes that she wasn’t on the Titanic after all but suffers from False Memory Syndrome, having created the illusion of the sinking ship to mask the terrors that befell her in her real life as the Grand Dutchess Anastasia. Ralph Fiennes will receive an Oscar nod for his portrayal of Rasputin but will lose out to Philip Seymour Hoffmann in Capote II: Black, White and Read All Over.
Michael Jackson converts to Scientology - it’s about the only weird thing he hasn’t done.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have their child, and name her L. Ron Maverick Joey Lestat Oprah Cruise. The press dubs her “LeRMaOJ” for short. Days after her birth, Lermaoj is kidnapped by the Raelians, who try to ransom her, and end up giving her to a couple in a small heartland town. The entire series of events receives less than five minutes of news coverage.
Jerry Bruckheimer and Michael Bay team up for a remake of The Dirty Dozen. The movie will feature an all star cast of Jim Carrey, Andy Dick, Will Farrell, Jon Heder, Ashton Kutcher, Mike Myers, Michael Richards, Chris Rock, Adam Sandler, Seann Michael Scott, and David Spade, with Steve Martin played Lee Marvin’s role. Early expectations of the movie’s commercial success will diminish when Bruckheimer and Bay announce they will not be doing it as a comedy.
Splitrail Mountain starring Jake Gyllenhaal as Abe, Heath Ledger as Joshua Speed (Abe’s supposed but far from proven* boyfriend) and Sean Hayes as John Wilkes Booth (“If I cain’t have him no one can!”)
*Unproven, that is, unless you count those letters that provide infallible evidence that Larry “the gay answer to Eric von Danichen” Kramer claims to have in his possession but “chooses” not to let anybody else see. Rumor is he keeps the “evidence” stowed along with a 1973 letter from Amelia Earhart, Joseph Smith’s “My First Thummim” and a crystal containing all the compiled knowledge of Atlantis in the Ark of the Covenant buried under his cousin’s garage.)
Paris Hilton seen eating a donut. JK Rowling admits that book 7 will be free to everyone “I’ve got more money than God. It’s the least I can do.” Said the bajillionaire. Donald Trump Gets a New Hairstyle Hollywood Women collectively announce they have all had major plastic surgery, botox and eating disorders.
Hollywood Men collectively announce they are all gay.
From her spectacular success in Dukes of Hazzard she’ll co-star with her sister in a remake of ALICE. Inspired by the recycling of Brando’s footage in the new SUPERMAN, the producers will arrange for Vic Tayback to play Mel once more, while Ashlee will pretend to sing the themesong. Meanwhile I see Nick LaChey getting rave reviews for his performance in The Odd Couple alongside Flavor Flav at the Chief Allu Kaneet Dinner Theater and Casino in New Albany, MS.