The show **Skating with “Celebrities” ** is an unexpected success due to the large number of injuries to the said “celebrities.” So the producers slightly tweak the format to remove the ice… And thus, **Celebrity Death Match ** becomes reality.
The Simpson family will unveil its new sister, Kerree Simpson, now that her breasts are sufficiently developed to sustain a professional musical career. In keeping with the family’s plans to cover all aspects of the entertainment industry, Kerree will be marketed as a pseudo-lesbian feminist folk singer.
James Cameron will attempt to raise the Titanic using a long nylon cord and his own ego. Both halves of the great ship will last be seen leaving earth orbit.
Due to lack of work, Matthew Perry will take the lead role in Miss Chanandler Bong, an off-Broadway musical about a man who never gets his TV Guide.
Ozzy Osbourne will be elected the spokesperson for Toastmasters[sup]TM[/sup], after a crayon is removed from his brain.
Peter Jackson announces his next film project, a stunning 4 film, 12 hour epic finale to the television show, LOST to be filmed in New Zealand and Skokie, Illinois.
Katie Curic has a meltdown on live television as she strips naked, grabs a gun and runs wildly into the public standing outside the TODAY show, killing five and injuring 15 before Al Roker tackles her and pins her down while Matt Lauer calls 411 to get the phone number for 911.
Katie Holmes will scream for drugs during childbirth. When Tom Cruise tries to prevent the doctors from administering drugs to her, she will knock him unconscious with a bedpan.
Post-divorce Jessica Simpson will move into a new house with sister Ashlee, and a new reality show will ensue. The scantily-clad catfights will never end. Ratings will be record-breaking.
After adopting her two children and impregnating her, Brad Pitt will discover that Angelina Jolie is a major nut job, and he will immediately leave her for the latest flavor of the month.
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline will have two more children before finally figuring out that their marriage ain’t gonna work. Child One will develop drug and alcohol problems and be repeatedly arrested for petty crimes. Child Two will become a gay folk singer with a compulsion to expose himself on stage. Child Three will spend most of her life in therapy, eventually writing a tell-all book titled “Hit me baby one more time”.
Pamela Anderson will have another boob job, adjusting their size up or down a few notches, but they’ll still be huge and plastic-looking. Pamela will fall madly in public love with yet another disgusting scuzball, possibly K-Fed, is he’s available soon enough.
Nicole Richie will die, because no one can be that skinny and live.
Joan Rivers will be attacked by rabid wolverines, and no one will attempt to save her.
Damn!
In a similar story, John Goodman will write a memoir about his lifelong battle with bulimia called Except for the Throwing Up Part.
When the case of Anna Nicole Smith comes before the Supreme Court her lawyer, Howard Stern (not the “radio personality who gets paid millions brings retarded people on his show to make fun of them and pays naked lesbians and transvestite whores to wrestle” Howard Stern but the sleazy one) will argue the case so well that Bush will immediately appoint him to the Supreme Court vacancy. The decision will be based on the beautiful way he argues community property laws and the way he gets his client down off the pole where she’s dancing during her testimony.
To get some free publicity and full switch from the Democratic Party to the GOP, Arnold Schwarzeneggar will divorce Maria Kennedy Shriver and marry both Bush twins in a bizarre Austro-Mormon ceremony. Dubya will announce that this is only fair since he never could tell the girls apart anyway, only to be embarassed when he learns they’re not identical.
Surprise hit Reality TV shows for the year will include Who Wants to Marry Scott Peterson?, Cannibal Island: Only One Will Survive, Survivor: Cabrini Green and Prison Bitch: The Game. Most surprising is that all will be won by Miss Ethel Schollborgen of Wewanimak, Minnesota.
Robert Blake and O.J. Simpson will attempt to pay off their debts to the Bakley, Brown and Goldman families and society by joining the cast of RENT as Collins and Angel. Understudy Danny Pintauro will have to go on for Blake one night when he attempts to open fire at an audience member for laughing at the fact he’s in a Santa Claus dress, only to realize he left his gun at Sardi’s.
Dolly Parton, having already announced her plans to write a Broadway musical version of 9 to 5 (true ), will decide to go ahead and write the songs for Broadway productions of Straight Talk and Rhinestone while she’s at it. The productions, both starring Nathan Lane and Rosie O’Donnell, will result in the official closing of Broadway to make way for STARBUCKS LAND on December 8, 2006.
Sweet Jesus. The width of your sunglasses just shouldn’t exceed that of your hips. Ever. Yuck. I hope she gets help soon.
Silly. Her daughter, Melissa would, and then joins a show with Lisa Marie presley called We Look so much Better Than our Moms.
I would totally go see that. $5 says Jon Heder dies in the second reel.
Lindsey Lohan will admit she’s bulimic.
:smack: Oops, she just did!
A new reality show, Celebrity Whiz, will debut with the concept of having famous stars submit to unscheduled drug tests to determine what drugs they are currently on. The show will collapse after its first episode when it is surprisingly discovered that Jack Black, Kate Moss, Tara Reid, and Keith Richards have in fact never used drugs. As a tearful Richards will confess on camera, “I’ve been faking a drug problem all these years just so people would think I was cool.”
Bad storms will cause damage to Florida. The good storms will just wave.
Bill Mahr will amaze people, not with his political spins, but his ability to bag more models and Playmates.
Michael Moore will prove that even models and playmates have limits.
Anne Coulter will be outed as a Democrat, by Bill Mahr (her real life close friend) who fails to bag her in 2006.
There will be trouble with oil.