We chose to wait. I don’t have any regrets.
Wow… Millit, that was beautiful…
Thanks! Same to you, sunacres.
Someone upthread also mentioned wanting to get rid of terms like “losing” and “taking” virginity. I’ll go a step further and come out in favor of losing (haha) the word “virginity” altogether. I’m only sort of religious, and I have at best a basic grasp of biology, but I don’t believe that “virginity” really exists. No, I guess it exists as a concept, but one that has no real value unless you give it value. Nothing actually “changes” when you have sex–unless you conceive a child, but that’s pretty darn preventable. (Sure, you can catch a disease, also, but you risk catching diseases from other people by simply standing next to them sometimes.) So no, there’s no difference to me between a “virgin” and a “non-virgin.” There are just people who have had sex and people who haven’t. There are people who are celibate and will never have sex, people who have had sex but who won’t anymore, and people who have had sex without consenting to it. Sex is something that we may or may not do, just like any other action, and there’s no one-way door that you pass through after you’ve done it. Even with other morally charged actions, would you divide people by whether or not they have ever done them? We don’t have words or special, irreversible categories for people who have, say, ever taken illegal drugs versus those who haven’t.
But maybe it all really comes down to the fact that I didn’t feel like I was “losing my virginity” at age 23. The phrase feels silly, like something out of the “American Pie” movies, something that only teenagers do. There’s no cultural context, Steve Carrell movies notwithstanding, for “virginity loss” after your teenage years. So all of you “virgin” Dopers out there, don’t lose your virginity. Just go have sex!
I guess I just don’t see the world in such black and white contrasts as you do. I, for one, am a sucker for both sex and commitment. How do I fit into your Venn diagram?
There are biological explanations for everything. Lots of people get married just because their clock is ticking, for example. Oxytocin is also called “the love chemical”, anyway, and it’s even been shown to flare up to varying degrees when one sees a family member or old friend. Hunger is “just” cannibinoids, and fight-or-flight is “just” adrenaline/epinephrine, but that doesn’t mean they’re not valid emotions with complex causes.
Who said premarital sex can’t be unitive? “Biochemistry and brain function” play just as serious a role in cheating, which is probably about as common as bonding and trusting. And in the act of sex itself. First you said it was noble to save oneself until marriage because it’s right to deny one’s animal nature, and now you tell me that it’s noble because the bonds that you assume only come with marriage are part of our animal nature. Which is it? Can it be both, or something in between?
I haven’t, but then I haven’t taught myself “to ignore imperative signals” either. I’m not sure why you seem to think I have.
Well, here we get into the tricky debate of who “designed” what biochemistry to cope with what. These same things happen within married couples, too, just as the bonding and trust associated with marriage happens within unmarried couples and even triples.
Depends on what cost and benefit you assign to each thing. Killing a rival and buying a sandwich for a homeless person both bring animal pleasures; you can’t tell me that people don’t do cost-benefit analysis before deciding to do either, and decide that one course of action is more “worth it” than another.
Sorry, I may not have been clear. I don’t divide people up, but (western) society seems to have an expectation of both being true at the same time.
I don’t assume that these bonds only come with marriage. The bonding happens whether we like it of not - it is a consequence of sex. So waiting until we are ready to commit is important.
When we are hungry, hormones tell us to eat. When we have eaten, our body sends a full signal. When we need to void, our bodies tell us. When we are in pain, we react. These are what I consider “imperitives”. But people can train themselves to ignore those signals. People stop eating. People stop stopping eating. Kids often train themselves to ignore toilet time. Oxytocin has a role in trust and binding people together. We respond to people by producing it (and not just when we have sex with them) - when we see them, hear their name, think about them. But sex appears to produce a rush of oxytocin that increases the binding to our partner. It creates a emotional response that is modified as time goes on. Our brain and hormonal system “learn” a response that is amplified when we have sex with them. Now, if we have moved on from that relationship, we have to “unlearn” some of that response. But unlearning can be difficult, and the emotional response that is associated with the person can connect to the other emotional responses around the breakup in odd ways - sometimes it connects to rage and hate, sometimes it connects to obsession and jealousy, sometimes to fight or flight. Very rarely it connects to other disturbed parts of the brain and mental illness results. Sometimes, we just disconnect. Mostly this happens. But we have to change our biochemistry (at a physical level) in ways that are difficult. And if we are just having “sex” with no intention of longterm commitment, we still have to respond to a rush of binding hormones. This is the “imperative” I suggest has to be ignored. Our body acts like it is creating a bond, but we (as in the self-determined part of who we are) are not, at the deeper level of our emotions. This is why I believe courting (an old-fashioned term but it will suffice) is so important. It lays the groundwork of one-to-one connection within our brain (and allows a chance to actually determine compatibility), that can be reinforced by the oxytocin rush that comes with sex, as opposed to forging a connection with sex that has to be reinforced later despite incompatibility or discarded because the relationship has failed.
Designed may have been a poor choice of word - I could have used evolved just as easily. But we have mechanisms that produce a longterm bonding effect, that can be triggered by sex. And I agree - marriage is just a religious framework for a longterm relationship. And I am not bothered by polys or same-sex relationships either. They should have the rights to a legal framework that provides the same cover as marriage, should they wish to sign up for it.
These are just general thoughts - as I said, I can’t and won’t judge anyone for their personal choices. But I happen to think that our changing societal attitudes to casual sex is damaging to some people, for a whole bunch of reasons.
There may be more I can say, but I have to go to work.
Si
I never regretted having premarital sex. Like Millit, once it was over I wondered what the big fuss was about.
However, my cousin could tell you a different story. He dated the same girl through high school and college, and they never did more than kiss. After they had been out of college for about a year they got married and had sex.
four times in two months.
She never had sex with him again for the remaining four years of their marriage.
They were Christian, and I don’t know if she had a history of abuse or guilt-trips or what. She said that she loved him but she just didn’t like sex.
It would have been nice if she had told him that before he wasted 10+ years of his life on her.
God that’s depressing. And likely happens more than any of us suspect.
I was 20 when I lost my virgintity. And I still am 20, but I regret it so much. In my culture it’s considered as being dirty and having no respect of yourself if you are a girl and are having sex before marriage. I grew up with this belief that sex is supposed to be between only married couples. And that it’s wrong not to wait. It’s shameful if you’re not a virgin when you get married. I regret it beacuse firstly I was so drunk I didn’t have any control of what was wrong or right, secondly it was with a guy I’ve known since I was 13… And thirdly, I don’t even remember feeling anything.
Since that experience, I got wasted again last week, where I hooked up with a random guy. We had sex, it was quick, I didn’t really feel anything. If my first two experiences were good, and if I’d done it with someone that I truly care about, I wouldn’t have regreted it. But when you’re drunk and lose your virginty, well, I feel ashamed of myself for not knowing better when i KNOW that I wouldn’t have done it if I wasn’t drunk. So know I’m at that level where I’m going to wait until at least engagement. And worst of all, my mom asks me all the time if I still am a virgin, and I have to lie about it because she would lose all respect she has for me is she knew… I feel like a betrayal for my whole family.
So on that count, I would wait until I at least cared about someone and truly felt that I was ready 
don’t be stupid and get wasted to hook up with someone and just do it. It’s not worth it. Sex is good, as long as it’s something you’re prepared for! And you know, when guys are drunk, they get in and out, and then they come immediatley… not fun at all. Being a virgin in your 20’s is absoulatley nothing to be ashamed of. I wish I had waited a bit longer, until I found someone who would actually appriciate me.
Sallyoh, if you’re too drunk, you can’t give meaningful consent. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having sex without being married, but in the situation you’re describing, that’s neither here nor there. And it is NOT your fault for getting that drunk, if you’ve been thinking that. There are confidential resources you can turn to that can help you work through your feelings, if you’re willing.
I don’t think it’s WRONG to have premarital sex… I grew up in a different society and am surrounded by a different culture as well… And I still gave these guys my consent when I said ‘‘do it’’. So, it IS my fault for doing it AND getting drunk I’m working on forgiving myself for it, but it’ll probably never happen 
But thank you anyways 
I’m aware that a huge supermajority of people grow up assuming that, yeah, some day they will get married. But by the time I was in junior high school (aka middle school) I’d come to question that, and it’s weird to not think that at least a decent chunk of kids growing up would wonder IF they will wish to get married.
And if marriage is not inevitable, “premarital” is a peculiar category. To avoid having “premarital” sex when you have no conviction that you necessary ever want to marry?
I don’t regret the pre maritial sex I had but I do regret the premaritial sex some of my partners have had. Many of them were left damaged by feelings of distrust or the inability to give something special and unique. I would say it might be good if you are going to play maybe hold a few things back until you meet that special guy. You may not get the full experience of the great sex but you will still have the ability to share something special with the one you plan to marry.
Can zombies have sex?
I suppose, but they’d only want you for your* braiiiiiiins*!
Then who’s fault was it? Can I use this excuse if I get pulled over and I’m wasted to get out of a DUI?
I stumbled on that too, but I think Blackberry meant that it wasn’t her fault that the guy took advantage of her drunkenness to have sex with her, not that it wasn’t her fault that she got drunk in the first place.
All my sex has been premarital, and it continues to be. No regrets.
Not a bit. In fact we told our girls (one now married, the other engaged) that they’d be crazy to not do it.
I don’t regret having premarital sex. Getting rid of my virginity was the best thing I’ve ever done for my mental health, and I wish I’d done it earlier. Now that I’m happily married, I stay even happier because I know I’ve got a good thing in that department. No wondering.
I regret not having more premarital sex.