In my current relationship, I (a man) blurted it out in a moment of passion (which she immediately reciprocated) - either very romantic, or not very romantic at all, depending on your perspective. Once things had cooled down we then had a rational discussion about whether or not we meant it, or if it we were carried away in the moment. Upon sober reflection, we concluded that we did (and still do) in fact love each other.
Of the four women I have loved in my life, I was always the first to say “I love you”, but I recall with each a kind of build-up where prior to reaching that stage we would exchange escalatory proclamations on the way to love, like “I really care about you a lot”, and even “I love you a little bit.” Such it was, then, that the eventual “I love you” wasn’t particularly risky or revelatory.
I am curious, though, as to why men are more likely to make a go of it first. After all, aren’t men supposed to be brutish ogres incapable of expressing meaningful sentiment? I’ll have a go at a few reasons why:
Men say it first more often because they fall in love more quickly.
Saying “I love you” first is a risk, and men are less risk-averse.
It is simply cultural convention. The man and woman might both know that love is in the air, but she waits for him to go first because everyone knows that those are the rules - much like marriage proposals.
Men are more likely to say it and not mean it, which brings down the average wait time.
Or maybe something else, or some combination of the above…
I think it’s this, but not just this. I’ve been in relatively few relationships (and only the one for over 2 decades) but I have a friend who switches frequently. And according to him, he says it early, and means it at the time, but he falls in love with new things and new people very quickly. It doesn’t mean (again according to him) he stops caring about the prior thing/person, but he’s focused on his current target.
I’m not sure we both mean the same thing by “love”, but it’s a broad range of feelings and he certainly acts more “in love” than a minor crush. That said, he’s older now, in a new relationship, and is in the process of adopting his soon-to-be-wife’s daughter, so maybe his definition is changing closer to mine?
I (a guy) and the woman I dated seriously (and we assumed we’d get married) actually had a discussion about the deep psychological issues that were the reason we hadn’t used The L Word yet.
She took a deep breath and said “I love you.” I held her, looked deeply in her eyes, and said “Ditto.”
