My car is missing two hubcaps, so whenever we see another Subaru, SO and I joke about taking the other car. Yesterday, on the way home from work, I’m stopped at a red light and parked next to me is the same model of car as mine, but in white. There is a young boy in the car.
moi:pointing at parked car “Suuuuubaru. Maybe we should switch cars.” SO: “But then we’d have a little boy…” moi: “I don’t think I want a little boy.” Woman returns to car, SO checks her out. (This is okay by me.) SO: “…and you’d have a little butt…” moi raises eyebrows SO:fumblingly …but you wouldn’t be as pretty as you are now…?
I went to visit my mom and sister in December. As I step off the plane, the first thing my sister says to me, after I hadn’t seen her in a year is “Wow! You lost weight!”
Me, I’m thinking ‘I didn’t even know I gained weight!’
Anyone who usually wears a uniform at work will recognize this one.
Upon meeting a person who had previously only seen you dressed for work with hair in a braid, no makeup and uniform worn for comfort and utility. . . .
“Wow, you look good. I almost didn’t recognize you with clothes on, and you’ve got hair too.”
Mom: Meave, (Rhymes with wave.) you lost so much weight this past month. You’re breasts, head, and ears look huge!
Me: Uh…what?
Mom: It’s unbecoming. You look like that Paton woman.
Me: Parton, mom.
Mom: Whatever. And you should wear your hair down more. When it’s up you look like a giraffe.
Tourists in Dublin a year ago: Oh, look, honey, it’s a cute Irish school girl! Take a picture, take a picture.
Me: Uhm…I’m 23, Ma’am.
Tourist: You cant be! My daughter is 14 and she looks your age.
Me: No, really. I’ll be 24 in April.
Tourist: …
This is a compliment? I’m told I look like Dolly Parton at 13, and people expect me to thank them?
You know, backhanded compliments were things I thought I only gave while chewing on my foot, but upon reflection, I suppose I’ve gotten a few, too.
“You’ve got a great build. Man, if you worked out, you’d be huge!” Uh…thanks?
“Well, sure, you might have a little belly, but with your hight, you hardy notice it.” Hmmm, I guess I’ll have to keep growing, then.
“Wow, you’ve really changed since HS.” Well, no shit. That was 10 years, 25 pounds, 6 years in the Marine Corps, 4 years on my own and 2 broken hearts ago. My silent observation to this most often is that the comment maker has not changed much. Still in the stupid little cliques, still thinking they are Mr./Mrs. Popular, still looking down their nose. Guess what: I can buy you and sell you and kick your ass sideways now, so back the F up. What I actually do, though, is smile and say, “Yeah, thanks.”
I was at Mass one afternoon and the visiting priest came up to me, put his arm around me and said, “Son, have you ever thought about joining the priesthood?” I said, “Father, even if we did accept women as priests, I wouldn’t want to join.” I was a 30 year old women, for God’s sake! Although I must’ve impressed him with my piety.
I know that skinny compliment! ughhhh… I just feel like saying “oh gee, you look so FAT I sure wish I could look more like you!”
Also here are a few more I can’t stand:
*“What did you do to your hair? It looks…ummm…different.”
*“You should wear makeup more often, you look so much better with it on” (Mind you, this was said to me by a friend.)
*“You look so much like Mrs. T” (Mrs. T is a high school teacher and I am a high school student) I felt like saying, “yeah well F you too.”
When I hit the last stage of puberty/growth spurt, I grew about two inches and lost twenty pounds in about six months. Everyone was like, my GOD, have you lost WEIGHT?
I’ll preface this post with a tiny story behind why this compliment has meaning to me.
Okay, I’m a lesbian. I’m femme and always on the look out for a femme chick. When I go out to the bars, I never get hit on - and it’s because I’m not wearing a baseball cap, baggy jeans, hair tied back, etc. Someone told me that I didn’t look gay - whatever the hell that means. So the big joke is that when I am out, the only people in the gay bar who talk to me is gay men and/or drag queens. One flat out asked me if I knew Lucy Liu. I tried not to laugh - all Asians do not know each other. I repeat…all Asians do not know each other…
Anyway, so one night, this cute girl walked up to me and said, slightly slurring her words:
“Your wife is very beautiful! Looking at you I was trying to figure out why she married you, but you seem happy together. You must be a really nice guy!”
“Gee… thanks. You should have seen me before the plastic surgery”
While grabbing some beer with my hot friend Jeff (just a friend, though. I’m married), he spotted a tabloid with Kirstie Alley on the front.
Jeff: OH, I hate Kirstie Alley! She is so UGLY and just…slutty looking. Disgusting. God, what an ugly woman.
katie: Hm. I’ve been told I look like Kirstie Alley.
Jeff: (looking at me, oblivious)… Yeah, you do kind of look like her.
And then once at work, I wore a very busy (and yet cool…kind of in the style of Willow on “Buffy”) shirt. And my co-worker smiled her plastic smile and said,
Here’s a really stupid thing I didn’t say, but could have made it on this list if I had let it slip out. Some background: I used to work with a woman who I thought was in her early 50s. The longer I knew her, the more attractive I thought she was (which seems to happen with a lot of women I know). Eventually I decided she was really attractive, and not in a “musta been hot when she was younger” sort of way.
Anyway, so my stint eventually ended (I was an intern), and we were saying very cordial goodbyes (we really did like working together). How would this have sounded:
“Well, Boris, I’ve really enjoyed working with you, and I wish you luck.”
“Thank you. I’ve learned a lot working here, and I hope if I get married that my wife looks as good as you when she’s 50!”
Fortunately, good sense kept that one from being coming out.
Back in my musical days I recorded an industrial piece (I can’t really call it a “song” since that requires singing) and played it for a friend. It has drum machine, me reading from a computer user’s guide, a little big of random flute playing, and a bunch of tape samples of other stuff (Pigface, Glenn Branca). It ends with a sample from “Roads” by Portishead and a brief recording of an electric drill. I always thought the ending was the best part, but my friend asked me if the Portishead was put in on purpose, or if I had just taped over a Portishead dub and not cleaned it up very well. And he claimed to like the piece!
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