… for yourself that in order to get some sympathy, you told an outrageous lie?
I’m ashamed to admit I am guilty of that. Here.
Without mentioning a name (he can if he wants to, of course), I told someone I had leukemia - chronic leukemia. The next day (or whenever it was i became conscious), I checked my messages, saw what I had done and my face became red.
“Christ!”, I said to myself. "WTF did you do???
However, I compounded my mistake by trying to “fix” things by telling my friend to keep this to himself. I should have just admitted my lie ('cause that’s what it is, sloppy drunk or not) and asked for forgiveness. Not only from him, but the millions of real people who had died of these awful cancer.
Because I’m not a bad person, that stayed with me and I let it fester until just now. I realize how that must sound, but it’s the best I can do at quarter to one in the morning. Anyway, I suffered and several times shut this place out. But again, my shame and love for this place wouldn’t let me, so I came back again. And again, and again.
So here’s my “Come To Jesus” moment: Now I really am sick -either with Lyme Disease or a real bad mite infestation (I now think it’s the latte, after taking a look at one support forum). Now I really did need some sympathy and because of my stupidity that one drunken night I feel like the love isn’t there anymore and because of my reluctance to admit my lie sooner, years ago, this is what I deserve: bugs growing out of my head, face, nose, ears…just everywhere I have a hole.
Worse, it’s such a “Twilight Zone” disease, no one here may even know about it and will take it as just another attempt to drunkenly get sympathy.
Just one thing: I’m sober and it isn’t an attempt. As I said, it’s me finally coming to my senses.
But even that’s not going to be enough, because someone is going to say (or write): Yup now you got what you deserved, you’re scared and you need some real sympathy for a change, well drive on, hoss, ‘cause you ain’t gettin’ none from me."
So what is going to be enough???
No idea.
Go to confession, even though I’m not a practicing Catholic anymore? Offer the rest of my life to some charity? That won’t work, because I have a wife to take care of - a stroke patient. Give money to the Leukemia And Lymphoma Society? How much will it take to ameliorate the sin?
See my dilemma?
I just took a Vistaril to help with the scratching, biting and itching on my head and let me sleep, so let me close with just saying, I truly am sorry for what I did all those years ago.
Q
