Whenever I would hear that phrase (“surrounded by loved ones”) I would laugh because I imagined that in some cases the reality was that the person was surrounded by gold diggers and back stabbers. If only newspapers printed the truth…
Almost everyone I have known to die, died when I was young. Death was scary and morbid to me.
Mr Magoo’s grandmother had a stroke and was in a bed somewhat lucid for a year. It became the first time I really got to know her (she kind of scared me before. It was said that when she was angry she wore the face of an Aztec god! eeep!) I would go over every now and then and paint her nails really obnoxious bright colors (so she could see them). I really got to like her a lot. When we heard she was probably going to die that day, we went over to say goodbye. In her case, she really was surrounded by loved ones. I learned a lot from her about the dying process and accepting it as part of life.
I used to think that visitations with the body in view were really morbid and I swore I would never have one. At her funeral, she looked fabulous! She wasn’t so tired looking, you know? I am so happy that my last memory of her was her looking at her best instead of her slipping away into the night.
I miss her, though. I am so sorry she missed hearing the news of being a great grandma by two months.
My family’s big on calling in the troops whenever possible. I’ve been there for the deaths of two grandmothers and one aunt. I don’t think they much cared, none were very lucid at the time, but it seems to do something for the rest of the clan that we’re all present.
I think dying’s going to be damn scary and fascinating at the same time but I doubt the presence or lack of a crowd will affect the experience much.
[slight hijack]
Is there a big cultural difference in how we Merkins handle this stuff vs Europeans? My recently imported UK brother in law was dismayed and astonished at the first family funeral he was lucky enough to be around for, he’d never seen an open casket in his life. And a girlfriend of mine who grew up in Germany was utterly freaked out when my grandmother passed, she came to visit at the hospital just after grams died and we were all still hanging out in the room with the body. Just those two, or big differences?
I’m in the elephant category. Definitely wouldn’t want to die in the Indy 500 in front of everybody.
I thought about this before and my gut feeling is that no matter how many people surround you it is ultimately something you do alone. If you still have your marbles than it is a scary event (which is a good reason to have a loved one hold your hand). If it’s a morphine farewell then it doesn’t matter. Very few people actually get to utter something memorable and then drift away with a smile on their face.
If I get Alzheimer’s then the first thing I’m going to do is take up skydiving. At some point in time I will pack my laundry instead of a parachute and that will be that.
When my father died, my mother and all his children (all five of us) were there, as well as some various relatives. My dad had lung cancer. He was in a coma for several days before he died. We weren’t there for him, we were there for each other. Shortly before he finally breathed his last (every day for the previous 3-4 day sthe hospice nurse would come and say he wouldn’t last the day) we knelt and said the rosary. My mother popped open an beer (she never drinks and sort of toasted my dad. Then he died. He may not have known we were there (but maybe he did, who knows?) but I’m glad we were.
Abby, such a moving account, do not feel badly about posting it–so personal to share with us all.
When my Mom was dying last spring and in hospice care, but at home, towards the end the hospice workers explained that part of the dying process was for her to let go and for us to say good bye, and to let her know that everything was going to be OK. I was there the last day; she was comatose, but I think she knew I was there because I spoke to her, and hospice had told us that she could hear us. She actually passed on while my daughter was in with her, holding her hand and talking to her.
I do agree that the “surrounded by family and friends” phrase sounds strange.
Well, I’ve always wanted to go out like Major Kong in Dr. Strangelove. You know…blaze of glory, shrieking metal tearing through the atmosphere, nice ka-BOOM at the end. I really wouldn’t want friends, family, or other loved ones at my side at a time like that.
If not that…I guess I wouldn’t want people to be at my death-bedside because they felt like they had to be there. Like it was an obligation, or because it’d be the “right thing to do.” Screw that.
And, of course, there’s a difference between “alone” and “neglected.” Dying alone and unvisited in a hospital room’s a bit different than, say, dying alone in the middle of the wilderness.
So, I guess…If I want to die with company, I’d want it to be people who genuinely care about me (Preferably, the Love of My Life. If I ever meet her. ). If I die alone, I’d want it to be because of my own choice. (And preferably, in a place and way of my own choosing.)
…And while wearing gloves. Like a gentleman. Gotta have that.
My father died alone, in part because of hospital bureaucracy (my mother was at a desk somewhere filling out endless paperwork) and in part because – despite his history as a cardiac patient – his condition was not judged to be as serious as it was, and the hospital staff dilly-dallied about hooking up the heart monitors. (Yes, there was a lawsuit, yes it was successful.)
For more than 25 years I have fought the images of my dad lying there, wracked with pain as his heart stopped, unable to get help, thinking of the things he needed to tell my mother or my sister or me, afraid.
Once I was aware of how his life ended, I vowed that no one I loved would ever be in that position again, and I pray that the people who love me would spare me that fate as well.
Well I can’t comment on Europe, but in Australia it has been my experience that a day is set aside for family and friends to view the body, if they so desire, at the funeral parlour before the day of the funeral. Normally the casket is closed at the funeral service.
DeHusband and I are pretty private people. So imagine my confusion when I brought up this thread and he said that he wanted to be surrounded by his friends when he dies. “Really?” “Yep, it’ll just make it harder if they’re wimpering under their desks.” :eek:
My parents are German. Maybe it’s just the length of time they’ve been here, or a generational difference, but if we could have been there when my grandfather died we would have (he died early in the morning, before any of us had a chance to get back to the hospital). We also have had open-casket wakes for him and other relatives, and no one among extended family and friends (from Germany) seemed to think it odd. Maybe your friend hadn’t had to face a situation like that before?
If I ever marry, I would want my husband and/or kids with me at the end. No offense to anyone else in my family, but if I’m single when I go, I’d prefer to go alone. No special reason I can articulate; it’s just how I feel.
). If I die alone, I’d want it to be because of my own choice. (And preferably, in a place and way of my own choosing.)