What does "dying alone" mean to you?

In My Humble Opinion
1

A lot of lonely people seem to be particularly bummed out by the prospect they will likely die alone.

I always want to ask what specifically they are talking about. Are they saying they want to die surrounded by friends and family at their side? Because while I can understand why this would be ideal, it seems to me this doesn’t happen all that often even under the best of circumstances. Friends and family may come by in the days leading up to one’s death. But usually they aren’t there for the final breath. And even if they are, the person who is about to die is usually so out of it that they aren’t aware who is and isn’t there.

Are they just pained by the idea that they will make it through old age with no companion? I totally understand why this would be painful. But this also seems kinda normal. Plenty of people who were happily married end up having to spend the last 10-15 years of their life alone. Sure, they may have kids to keep them company, but they might also have kids who are estranged from them or kids who are triflin’. I think there are probably quite a few elderly people who had managed to do everything right as far as relationships go during most of their lifespan, but who still wind up being lonely (or simply alone) in their last chapter of their life.
I think “I’m a fuck-up” is a belief that frequently underlies loneliness. A lonely person who is fixated on the pathos of dying alone is assuming that only “fuck-ups” go out like that, when really I think this is the way death usually goes.

What do you think? And what would you tell someone who is afraid of “dying alone” to help them feel better?

2

My mother died with friends and family around her, and holy shit, having been through it myself, I would NEVER do that to my loved ones. She wanted to die at home and was very clear about that wish, so after 5+ years of dealing with cancer when the time came, we called in Hospice and made her wish come true. It was the most excruciatingly difficult two months of my life. Dying is a lot of work for those around you. I spent those months coordinating caregivers, feeling incredibly frustrated because there’s only so much you can do to help, watching her decline, cleaning up disgusting shit & bodily fluids, watching my Dad mourn, getting woken up in the middle of the night because 1) (at first) she fell on the way to the bathroom and my Dad couldn’t get her up on his own, 2) (later on) some other horrible issue involving bodily fluid happened or 3) (this happened 2-3 times) my dad thought she died, called me crying his eyes out, I called everyone else and we sped to the house and… she was alive, just sleeping soundly, and my half-deaf half-blind father couldn’t tell she was breathing.

And, of course, in the middle of all that I’m dealing with the horribleness and sadness and grief that my mother was dying. Yeah, don’t do that to your loved ones. Go die alone, or in a nursing home, or at a hospital.

whew

So, for myself, I’m definitely working through any fears I have of dying alone. I’m the youngest of most of my close relatives and I have no children, so it’s pretty likely that’ll be the case. I’ll deal with it.

3

One of the concerns seems to be that one will die alone in one’s house and will only be discovered after the smell of the rotting body makes its way into the outside world. One reason, I suspect, why this is such a dreaded finale is that there is always such pity for the poor victim of this outcome: “Aww, poor guy, he must have felt so alone at the end, and he didn’t have anyone to check in on him.” Especially if they fell down or something and just starved to death because they couldn’t move. I don’t think anyone wants to have that be the last thing that people remember about them.

Actual loneliness is a different issue. I can only speak for myself, I don’t fear being alone, except that I think there are studies showing that not being alone helps one to live longer and more vigorously. But I’m so picky about people that I can stand to be around that I’m a difficult fit for companionship; I certainly don’t make friends easily, and other people seem to find me boring for the most part (although I did make one new friend in recent months). I don’t relish the idea of being in a retirement community, mostly for that reason. I certainly don’t relish being in a nursing home where they’re probably going to talk to me as if I were a child, and not listen to anything I say.

So I suspect for many people it’s not the loneliness per se that is the problem, but the practicalities of living alone while frail or vulnerable.

4

I think it means having someone who will know you’re gone. I’ve seen incredibly sad stories of people buying a foreclosed house, only to find the owner dead inside. Months or years go by and no one missed them.

5

What RodF said!

6

I cared for someone fully bedridden, 6yrs, till their death in my home. One of my greatest fears was that she’d die alone, me in the kitchen or doing laundry, etc. In the beginning, and near the end, I literally barely left my house, driven by this fear.

At the end it was a lengthy final death watch, 10wks+, fears I had calmed over those six yrs came rushing back anew. The pros that were in and out during those weeks, (Who kept insisting, ‘It won’t be long now.’ Wrong! ) were also asking after us. How were we doing? Were we afraid? Of what? Etc. During one of those conversations I confessed my greatest fear was after six years of devoted attention and care she could die ‘all alone’, while I was out of the room for but a moment.

The woman then said something that struck me as very profound. She said, ‘we all die alone’, meaning even in a crowd, on a crashing plane every person is on an individual journey, unaccompanied. She also explained how so many people sit bedside awaiting a death for hours or days only to have that person depart when they’ve nipped out to the bathroom or such. It’s incredibly common apparently.

And, exactly as predicted, after ten weeks of 24/7 I had to go to a follow up Dr appointment with a surgeon that had been arranged months before. We were gone less than 40 mins. When we returned, she had gone. As broken hearted as I was it was really hard not to see it as an active choice on her part.

During those final ten weeks, visitors seemed to look to me for an explanation of why she was still hanging on, contrary to Dr’s prediction, all I could think to say was, she must be awaiting just the right moment, and it hasn’t come just yet, I suppose. I guess, for her, that moment was when she was alone. And maybe she wanted to spare us what the OP went through?

We all die alone. It is an ultimate unaccompanied journey, I think.

7

A hospice worker asked my SIL what she thought her mother may be waiting for. My SIL said she really wanted to see the season finale of a favorite show.

The show aired on Saturday evening. On Sunday my other SIL was taking a nap next to my MIL, holding her hand. My MIL died during the nap.

8

I’m in a similar place. I have no children, and I think that the odds are high that I’ll outlive my wife – she’s several years older than me, and I can already see, in her mid 50s, that her health is not great. I have one sibling, and while she’s younger than me, she’s been struggling with emotional issues as well as health issues – again, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if I outlive her, as well.

The good news is that I have a wide circle of other friends and loved ones. But, yeah, I think about the fact that, in the end, it’s very likely to be just me.

9

It just occurred to me that people might be pressured to do what you did for your mother because the prospect of dying alone is so stigmatized. Perhaps if people could work their through their fears (as you did), then it wouldn’t be seen as such a big negative thing to put ones elderly parents into a nursing home.

10

“Each man faces death by himself… alone.”

You can be surrounded by people on your deathbed, and still you must face your personal death alone, unless you have a hand grenade in your hospital gown or something.

Having children, I can see how if I had a long drawn out death it might provide me with a sense of acceptance and calm at the end, but not having been in the situation I don’t really know if it would make me feel better, either way once it over, it’s over I guess.

11

Dying alone seems like it would be pretty easy to deal with once you realize we all LIVE alone as well. I didn’t like visitors when I had to spend a couple days in the hospital for an appendectomy, no way do I want some chorus of wailers singing me out for gawd knows how long. IF I end up in hospice, when you come to visit you’d better be dropping a couple gummies in my mouth and playing some rock n roll. Being deprived of that in my last days/weeks/months would suck. If you’re worried about being undiscovered and leaving a ring on the hardwood, just get one of those LifeAlert doodads. Once your heart stops, the revival/disposal squad comes round.

12

My father died in a hospice. We were all there. My mother held his hand to the end.

13

I thought dying alone to mean having no family or close friends that might be there in your dying days or care that you are gone. It’s the lament of people who can’t find a lifetime partner, that they will end up dying alone.

Doesn’t matter to me if anyone is there at the last moment, I’ll take fast and alone over slow with company.

14

That’s a rather callous statement, IMHO.

15

Here is a recent report from NPR about how some elderly people are or were trying to hold out long enough to see the report from Robert Mueller. The article mentions one 93-year-old veteran of WWII whose last words were, “Shit, I’m not going to see the Mueller report, am I?”

16

My father died in a hospice. I had rushed 600 miles to be with him, along with my sister, and was there for the transfer from hospital to hospice. Eventually we had to go get some sleep, so once he had fallen asleep we left. Of course he died just about the time I got back to my hotel, and I turned around and spent most of the rest of the night taking care of all the details of death.

My mother died in hospital; my father and I had gone to his house to have dinner, and my sister and her husband were there. She had been out of it mentally for several days, so I can’t see it made any difference one way or the other.

Dying is always a burden, large or small, on at least one other person. I hope I will have prepared as much as possible to make it easier on everyone.

17

When I die I don’t care if I’m alone or at the Super Bowl as long as it’s quick. When I use the phrase “dying alone” what I usually mean is growing old alone and being alone for decades.

18

I disagree. In the context of “Yeah, don’t do that to your loved ones” I think it’s an honest admonition for adults to grow the hell up before it’s time to die. A little self-sacrifice is due because when it comes to death, the dying person’s feelings matter least of all–they won’t know a thing tomorrow. Watching someone die is not as nice as watching a baby fall asleep. It’s fucking awful even when there’s not disturbing throes. Even asking someone to be there to watch your personal horror show is beyond tasteless.

19

Come back after you spend several months being the primary caregiver of a dying loved one. It’s nothing I would wish on anyone I loved, and I know if my mother could have foreseen how tough it was on all of us, she would have not asked it of us.

20

I was primary care-giver to my mother her last two months - but I had help and while I didn’t enjoy it I didn’t have a problem doing it. I didn’t find it traumatic to hold her hand while she breathed her last.

But that’s me. Not everyone is me.

I tried to have my husband at home for his death but it became clear that adequate pain control would be impossible AND I had zero help the last two months - it just wasn’t physically possible for one person to give 24/7 care on their own, much less care with any quality. He died in the hospital but a half an hour before he died he told us that while he was afraid he didn’t have pain, which was reassuring. I was holding his hand, too, when he died.

But that’s me. Not everyone is me.

Also, those were relatively peaceful, painless deaths (though god yes, it’s an tremendous amount of work to pull that off).

For me, “dying alone” is no one giving a damn that I’m dead - the “dead in the home for months or years and no one knowing” scenario.

At this point, not only does it look like I’m going to outlive my siblings but possibly the next generation, too. (Damn hereditary heart disease! It’s going to cause me grief even if I didn’t get that roll of the dice myself.) So I’m working on improving my social life now, so even if I don’t have blood relatives I’ll still have friends who will give a damn if I’m alive or dead and check up on my if they don’t hear from me for awhile.