I understand codependent relationships usually revolve around some sort of addiction on the side of one of the parties involved. However, could intense giddy love for one another be laying the grassroots for a codependent relationship?
I am happily married to my soulmate. We are compatable in all aspects of the word. We share the same interests, we like to eat the same foods - except salmon salad suprise: Yuck! - and we basically spend every waking moment together outside of work. I am an instructor at a small liberal arts college, and she is on sabbatical writing a text book.
My mother thought for the better part of her relationship to my father that she was codependent, she also thought she was an alcoholic, though I disagree with both assertions she maintains she was a codependent whilst married to my father.
I picked up Melody Beattie’s famous book Codependent No-More and it was quite interesting to learn about codependence. But I am at an impass as to weather or not a healthy, addiction free relationship could be thought of as codependent.
My wife and I have been together for quite a while, we have no kids yet - though soon - and other couples our age 33, claim it is sickening to see us as giddy as teenagers. We simply like to have fun! And lot’s of it. We are into extreme sports, hang gliding, snow boarding etc…etc… and we enjoy other things like fishing, hiking, and just chilling out in front of our fireplace.
So what do you think, can an intense love for ones SO be misconstrued to some as being codependent?
I don’t know if this will answer your question, but it seems to me like these days EVERYTHING gets labeled as a disorder of some sort.
Case in point: I am a happy person. Always have been. Do shitty things happen in my life? Sure, but I’m usually able to take them in stride, deal with them, and move on. As an added bonus, sometimes I can find a silver lining.
Therefore I suffer from Acute Denial, according to a few avid Self-Helpers that I know.
So my opinion (not knowing you or your wife, so take it as you will) is that if you’re happy–genuinely happy–you gotta do your thing and forget about what other people say.
And I LOVE salmon salad, but what, exactly, is the “surprise” part?
the the OP: I know how you feel. My wife and I have been together for almost 6 years, and it seems like every day is as exciting as the first (though not nearly as nervous, thankfully).
We do have our own hobbies, but there is no one that i would rather spend time with than her. She feels the same. As a result, we have few friends that we ‘hang out with’- she has no real close female friends, and i don’t have any buddies either. neither of us has any real ‘group-oriented’ hobbies.
But it seems to be self-imposed- whenever there is an invite open to one of us, the other encourages it, if only because we don’t want the other to feel left out. there is never any nagging, guilt-tripping, etc over going out…it’s just not something that we feel like doing. the farthest we go is chatting online with our pals from the WOT community, and that usually involves two open windows, both of us logged in, and taking turns at it. She and i also post here together.
I don’t know. we may have a problem, i guess…but we’re both very happy. i don’t see how it harms us, or our kids- we’ve a very loving home.
i agree with auntie em. everything is getting labeled as a disorder now. it seems like no one wants to take the blame for their faults anymore. everything can be cured with a pill.
there is a difference between your happiness depending on one person and just being happy because you’re with some one. i can see how some one might mistake your happiness as codependence, but that’s probably just because they can’t understand it.
Stonebow, just from the posts that you and Faeriebeth have made here (the ones I’ve read, anyway), you seem like a very happy, compatible couple, and I think that the best thing a parent can provide for a kid is a loving home, so rock on.
And if I may add another two cents, how whack is it that happiness is sometimes the hardest thing for society to accept in a person?
Just so that I’m not misunderstood, I do know that there are some people who genuinely have serious problems, some of which require medication.
I can totally respect that.
However, I have to say that I get a little bitter when people who are, for the most part, happy and healthy are considered to be aberrations whose happiness is in itself the sign of a problem!
You’ll have to pardon me. You don’t know the coworkers I’ve suffered.
That said, I think ShadiRoxan is right–sometimes in order for people to believe that their lives and relationships are “normal” (and feel good about them), they have to believe that yours are not. I think that’s where the mistake lies–applying objective mutual exclusivity to something that’s totally subjective.
Relationships (marriages) are inherently interdependent, otherwise they’re not strong or worth saving (too easy to back out of).
Codependence:
can you have your own thoughts, emotions, etc. independent of her? Or do you have to run those by her?
If she’s in a bad mood, is it up to you to cheer her up, or is she responsible for that herself?
Are you responsible for her behavior, actions, feelings, etc? Do you feel responsible for any of them?
Does she need to be protected from things (other than actual physical threats) by you?
Do you define your worth by your ability to please her?
The answer is never really clear, but a matter of degrees. In a healthy relationship, the above will all be a “partial yes” answer, in a codependent relationship it will be more like a “oh yeah” or more likely some sort of defensive denial, and private admission of “yes”
Codependency isn’t a disorder by the way, it’s a relational pattern that’s inherently destructive.
I think it is rare for relationships sans addiction to be true codependency.
You and your wife seem to have a happy, healthy relationship (by your description).
When my mother was in a relationship with an alcoholic, she lived on eggshells every day and fretted over whether her every move would please or anger him. He used violence and manipulation to control her. Their’s was not a balanced relationship. Codependency, in my mind, does not exist when both partners are giving and taking from the relationship.
My SO and I are very close, I’d rather be with him than anyone else, and we go everywhere together. Some people on the outside think he is dependant on me, simply because we enjoy being together a lot. They see it as dependancy, and don’t bother to think that maybe we have a great time together always, laughing, talking, hugging, and just enjoying one another immensely.
Hell, I’m happy - all relationships are different, I guess when people who are not like that try to understand it, maybe they see it as a fault or try to make it seem like some disorder so they feel better about their relationship (on the inside - I feel bad for these people)…
Life is simply too short - spend time with the people who fulfill your life - and relish in them. It’s the best feeling in the world.
I think there’s sometimes a thin line between intense love and co-dependance. And perhaps your relationship could be perceived as a co-dependant one.
But if both of you are happy in the relationship, where’s the harm? I don’t think it’s really a problem until one of you becomes unsatisfied about it just being the two of you.
Don’t worry about how others might perceive your relationship, just enjoy it because most people long for what you’ve got
I whole heartedly agree with you. I am very comfortable with my life and my wife. We finnish each other’s thoughts, and statements, not to be cliche, but she completes me, and I her.
Glad to see others, are so happy with their relationships. Gives hope to those who aren’t happy.
It’s very simple. Relationships are healthy and loving in the first person and neurotic and codependent in the second and third person. It’s a lot like the difference between revolution and treason.
Go read I’m dysfunctional, you’re dysfunctional by Wendy Kaminer. It’s a fun and snarky book that looks at the whole self-help movement. The thing is, according to some of the ‘codependency experts,’ we’re all codependent and we all need therapy. Piffle, say I.
There are definitely some couples that seem too “together” for my taste. I have a good friend who cannot stand to be without her husband at social events, even if they’re ladies’ nights out. The poor guy always gets dragged along, and he usually does crosswords or reads a book while the event goes on around him. They work at the same place, and as far as I can tell, they spend close to 24 hours in each others’ company. This would drive me mad, but she seems to be happy.
- and we basically spend every waking moment together outside of work. I am an instructor at a small liberal arts college, and she is on sabbatical writing a text book.