In my ongoing struggle to come to terms with the end of my relationship, and path to healing and feeling better, etc, I did once a week counseling sessions for the last 4 weeks. In our final session it came to light that I may suffer from being codependent. Now, traditionally this tends to be applied to people who are in relationships with alcoholics or other drug addicts, but codependency can also arise in more “normal” relationships. My ex didn’t suffer from any addictions or anything.
I had never really heard much of codependency before. My counselor gave me a couple books to read, and I have just started them. I also have been skimming stuff online about codependency.
It’s actually almost scary how well this psychological profile, syndrome, whatever it is you want to call it, fits me. I can’t believe I hadn’t ever heard of this before really, that no one had ever said “hey Drew you might suffer from codependency” or anything, or even that it took 4 counseling sessions before this even got brought up as a possibility! But it just seems to fit so, so well.
So, I was wondering if maybe anyone here also suffers from codependency, or has close experience with it. I think this is going to be a major issue for me that I will constantly need to work through and try to better myself, especially before I can try to be happy in another relationship down the road.
So, share your stories, your thoughts, your experiences, and any tips or resources or anything, really, relating to codependency here. Thank you in advance!
When my marriage was breaking up we (sort of) went to marriage counselling. One thing the counsellor said to me and challenged me to think about, was I in love with my wife or in love with the idea/notion/concept of being in a relationship. Happy in the routine.
It took me a while to get my head around that and a lot of introspection, but I eventually realised that no, I wasn’t in love with my wife I was in love with being in a relationship. My wife was a lazy self absorbed immature douche.
So, I raised 2 kids as largely a single parent and apart from a couple of short term relationships I’ve been single for 20 years and love my life.
I’ve said to both my kids, you don’t need someone else to complete you. Complete yourself, get yourself to be the best person you can be and then if you have a relationship the 2 of you are complimentary to each other, not co-dependant. It’s like putting the icing on a cake. The cake is fine without it but it finishes it off nicely.
My daughter got it, my son has had a procession of needy unemployable numbats because he can’t seem to function properly without one attached to his wallet, eh I mean hip.
Just a note before I get branded a misogynist, it was the wife who decided to end the relationship and who booked marriage counselling but wouldn’t go together. She already had the next sucker picked out, lined up and ready to roll.
How are you defining codependent? Someone said my relationship with my psycho ex was codependent but I just googled it and it doesn’t really sound like it. Well, about half the characteristics sound like him and the other half sound like me. He’s needy and fears abandonment and is controlling; I let him suck me into his problems and let them become my problems.
Nice! You win the thread!
On a more serious note, I too need to read up on this subject. My wife and I separated about a month ago, and this codependency thing has been brought up by a couple of people who know us. We have not started couples counseling yet, so no professional has stated an opinion yet, still I want to / need to understand whether we have the right framework to try to save our marriage, or whether we would each be better off just moving on with our lives.
The idea of being in love with the relationship and not the person kind of hits home to me, and I often wonder it myself. I think a huge part of me really did love my ex boyfriend, but I think I was way more in love with being in a relationship itself. And I have kind of always felt “incomplete” without being in a relationship, so I need to refocus and feel good. I base a lot of my self-esteem and self-worth on whether or not people like me, need me, etc. I tend to be a bit controlling as well, and try to tell people how they “really” feel or how they “should” feel. I also tend to give lavish gifts to people, above and beyond what would be socially acceptable in most cases, and this can be a strong sign of a controlling codependent (making people feel like they owe you and need you for things).
The gifts thing was a big tip-off for me, too. And feeling ugly/unworthy all the time.
Codependents Anonymous has lots of people who are ending or just ended a relationship. It’s a combination of being in crisis so your emotions are at the surface, and being vulnerable enough to seek help. I would recommend finding a group in your area and trying it out. http://www.coda.org/ Even if you’re just in turmoil, you may feel better being among peers. They’re comforting, friendly groups.
Read the books, do the exercises. Like your therapy, it’s meant to be short term, 6-8 weeks. The goal is basically living for yourself and not worrying so much what others think. Isn’t everything a path to that?
I found that the way I was living and interpreting life was completely wrong, and that I had to do work to forgive my parents, my grandparents, my childhood, my friends, and everyone for “skewing” me. It was barely about my recent partner/crisis at all.
People want to help you. I hope you can let them. This is the right time.
Just wanted to update and bump this old thread with an update.
I’ve been reading Codependent No More, practicing its advice, and it is feeling AMAZING. I almost feel like a different person. It’s incredible. I’m sticking up for me, looking out for me, and I’m not defining my happiness by how others treat me and how I treat them.
I’m only half way through the book, I’m taking it in short chunks and reflecting on each chapter and practicing it as best I can, and it’s really made a huge difference.
With my offshore job and traveling plans I can’t really do any support groups. I wonder if there are any online groups though?
Anyhow, I just wanted to check in that I recognize now I am a very codependent person, but I am so much happier now that I understand this very important fact about myself and I’m working to become a better, stronger person. It’s really an incredible, exhilarating feeling.
I watched the entire John Bradshaw series on PBS during the 1990’s in Houston.
It was before your time. The main subjects were addictions, codependence, and enablers.
I won’t go into his signature illustration of codependence, but will just say that your
statement about “attachment to the relationship being more important than loving the
person” is what I have noticed about marriage in general. Most people just want to be
“married.” They see friendship or sex as qualities that are incidental or secondary to
“being married.” I see friendship as being overwhelmingly superior to any other social
bond… whether kinship, sex affair, love affair, marriage or business partnership.
I have a tendency to be codependent which I’ve been trying really hard to break. My current partner has been informed of this. I’ve told him how hard it can be to assert myself, because I feel really guilty (to the point of fear and sometimes tears) when I disagree with him. He’s been really understanding, and will ask me, “Are you sure you wouldn’t rather do x?” The key thing, I think, is that when we *do *disagree, he doesn’t flip his shit. I think that’s why I lacked assertiveness in the first place, because I was raised by shitty unstable parents with whom disagreement was severely punished. I’m asserting myself more and more as time goes by, and it’s really working. In the past I’ve crashed and burned out of relationships because I was frustrated by feeling like I was forced to suppress my own wishes all the time… when it was really my own fault for failing to assert myself in the first place.
thanks for posting this thread. I am currently going through a family issue involving a family member with narcissistic personality disorder. I keep getting sucked into their drama.
I had severe issues with codependency when I was younger. I thought I was recovered. but recently I’ve been asking myself ‘why does someone else’s problems always become my problem?’ I guess I still have a lot of unresolved codependency issues.
not only that but apparently codependent people are drawn to and drawn by narcissistic people! that explains a lot in my life.
I’m going to get the book codependent no more and read it. one of the first things they say about the book on amazon is ‘is someone else’s problem your problem?’ I’m glad I found this thread.
While I’m quite happy with my marriage, I believe I used to have a codependent relationship with my mother. She suffered from a mental illness that made it difficult for her to maintain meaningful relationships. I was willing to sacrifice anything to ensure she was okay, including my own sanity. Her drama was my drama. I would be her sounding board or her punching bag or whatever she needed. I would cancel plans to attend to her emotional needs. I used to tell others, ‘‘I am the only one who truly understands her.’’ It was constant pain, constant worrying, constant trying to fix everything, as if I were the glue holding our family together.
It took some time, but eventually I began to grow up and see the ways in which the relationship was hurting me. For about a year I had no contact with her whatsoever and during that time I began to realize I need to take more ownership of my decisions and stop worrying about making everybody happy. It was a huge burden lifted. Sometimes we would revert to the old ways, that’s natural, but at this point I’d say our relationship is quite healthy. It helps that she is getting real treatment for the first time ever. That doesn’t mean everything is perfect in her world, though, and I’ve found that I can listen to her problems now without falling apart and feeling responsible for whether or not she is okay. I don’t have to be her therapist or her scapegoat or any of that. She can me mad at me and I won’t fall apart. I can just be me, and we can enjoy our relationship as equals.
I applaud your willingness to work on this. It takes real effort and courage to change something as monumental as how you relate to other people. Good luck.
another major reason to get this under control is the way codependency makes you a target for, and drawn to various kinds of abusers, users and toxic people. it makes you a magnet for sociopaths, addicts, users, borderlines neglectful people, narcissists, etc. you become drawn to takers, abusers and users.
I’m new to this subject, but just reading the first few chapters of the book (the library has an ebook program so I got it on my phone) I really see a lot of myself, and I’m not nearly as recovered as I thought.
Dude, you have officially gotten me to get my own copy of Codependent No More. I’ve read a huge chunk of it in just one day and intend to re-read it over and over (one of the benefits of not having to return it to the library, unlike the other copy I have checked out, hah) I’ve been trying to deal with this sort of thing on-and-off for about a year myself. I have a stack of books from the library out right now–all about codependency, Adult Children of Alcoholics (of which I happen to be one, in addition to the codependency issues).
I’m rather scared, honestly. I hope this is something I can change in myself, because…well, damn, it’s no way to live. But it’s good to know there are others out there dealing with it
