Dilemma - elderly relative and driving

In My Humble Opinion
1

First of all, if this doesn’t have as much detail as you’d like, my apologies. I’m afraid it would be unwise at this point to be as detailed as I’d like to be. I’ll also just try to keep this short.

I have an elderly relative who I don’t think should be driving at night any more. I have personally witnessed a couple cases of disorientation whilst riding with him at night. Needless to say, this was pointed out to him at the time, and I spoke to his spouse about it, who promised to talk to him about curtailing his nighttime driving.

Well, y’all already know what happened there. NOTHING. The spouse does say she spoke to him and got yelled at for her troubles. The person in question does have multiple health problems, and he’s gotten meaner and nastier the older he gets. He is not physically abusive, but verbally - oy.

I’ve gone to the DMV web site in his state to see if anything could be done. They say that drivers can be reported by friends and/or relatives, BUT the DMV is required to tell the person who reported them. So if I did that, big crapstorm there, and it’s always possible that the anger could be taken out on the spouse, as I live several states away.

I’ve requested more info from DMV - I want to find out before I do anything whether there is a choice to restrict driving to daytime hours, or if the only choice is revocation of license. I don’t think we’re at that bad a point yet. I also want to see what their investigation/medical review consists of if I do report. If all they’ll do is request him to come in and take their lame eye test again, that’s less than useless.

The site also says a letter can be written by a doctor, but I don’t know if I write to the doctor if anything will come of it. I imagine they’d have to get him to come in for an exam before they would do anything, and of course they have not witnessed what I have. I do think, though, that a letter from an authority figure to the DMV would be better accepted by him.

I figure there’s other people out there that have faced this problem. Since I am not close by, I can’t physically intervene, and there are no other relatives nearby either.

2

Can you try to get a meeting with his doctor? My father’s facing this with HIS father, and tomorrow they have a doctor’s visit, and the doctor is clearly going to state to him that he will never drive again. (Currently, his license is suspended or expired, and he’s been after everyone in the family to take him down to the DMV to retake the test).

3

I’m going to try to contact the doctor - I just have to figure out how to get the guy’s name!

4

I believe (though I can’t back this up right now) that several states can and will restrict driving privileges to daylight only. I hope you’re successful, you might be saving several lives if you can get him off the road at night.

5

I am in my early sixties myself and I know that I will be facing this question myself in a few years. My sister and I went through this with my mother and she was terribly difficult to deal with.

If there were regulations in place that began at an early enough age – automatic testing perhaps every couple of years when you begin receiving social security – we could save a lot of lives and a lot of emotional strain.

I hope that you persist in your efforts. Would social services be of any help? What if you confront the man himself? Incapable drivers are everyone’s business.

6

Dealt with that with my father in law.

No-win situation. Even when his other children were completely behind us and supportive (for the one damn time in their lives).

Asshole was pissed, remained pissed when we got the officials in Florida to pull his license (well, subject to some sort of qualified evaluation).

This did not happen, because by then, he couldn’t even FIND the DMV. Sure as hell didn’t stop him from wanting to drive, even after he damn near killed a mother and her daughter and then blamed THEM for running into him after he pulled out in front of them.

There may not be any reason too it, so just suck up the bad vibes and maybe save someone’s life. Good on ya!

<<P.S. To this day, his wife has to keep the car keys hidden, lest he go off on a tear. ASSHOLE>>

7

What exactly do you mean by disorientation? If his driving is falling well bellow the standard expected of a competent driver, shop him (and if he’s becoming more and more aggressive that is a first sign of mental deterioration as well). If you mean he’s just getting lost all the time then meh, if it’s not a road safety issue, there’s no real reason to get him off the road. If you personally have witnessed a few incidents, then there have probably been many more. The general ‘rule of thumb’ is 1000 ‘incidents’, 100 nearish misses, 10 very near misses, 1 accident btw…

How’s his eyesight?

8

Since you’re out of state, enlist the spouse to contact the doctor, or at least give you the doctor’s contact information. Having a non-relative like the doc deliver the judgment can spare a lot of family strife, and that sounds like the most promising avenue at this point.

9

I just got a call a couple hours ago from the DMV of the state they live in - I’d sent them an email asking them to clarify some of the info I found on their site. The rep told me the best way to go would be to see if I can enlist the doctor’s help. Apparently letters from a doctor carry a lot of weight and the doctor can recommend specific restrictions, so the license would not necessarily have to be completely revoked, though of course the final decision is up to the DMV.

I’ll see if I can get the name of the doctor and I’ll write a letter.