Background Story (skip if in a hurry):
Act 1[spoiler]Setting: Monk’s Cafe, W 112th and Broadway, New York City. (with apologies to NBC)
Some long-time friends gather at their customary booth.
Jerry: I got here early and ordered tea for us.
Elaine: Don’t pour me too much, I’m on a diet.
Kramer: So no “big salad” today?
Elaine [glumly]: No “big salad”. I guess it’s just a “salad” today. [cue laugh track]
Jerry proceeds to pour a single drop of tea into each teacup and serves it with a flourish. “Spot of tea, anyone?”
Others [sarcastically]: Hah.
George: I smell a new contest brewing…
Elaine: Oh, Mister “master of my domain” wants another challenge?
George: Yes! This time a hundred bucks says I can dole out the smallest food portion.
Jerry: How do we know who wins?
Kramer [pulls out two shiny new high-tech gadgets]: I’ve got an industrial calorimeter and a super-accurate scale!
Jerry [sing-songy]: Really? How do you have those?
Kramer: Haven’t you heard? Kruger Industrial Smoothing bought out Kramerica Enterprises. Jackie Chiles got em for me in the settlement.
Jerry [sing-songy]: Okay, then how did Kruger Industrial Smoothing have those?
Kramer: Their customers kept asking how smooth, so they have this division that specializes in making super-accurate measuring devices.
George: Okay, so we each order something, then put some of it on a plate. Whomever puts the least wins.
Kramer: I’m going to win this by ordering mustard seeds. [quietly] They’re the smallest of seeds.
Jerry [with slow emphasis]: You can’t order mustard seed at a diner, you idiot. [laugh track]
Kramer: Gesticulates wildly and convulsively for 4 minutes, ending with his hand shooting a gun (index finger) and saying “Giddyup!”[/spoiler]
Act 2Elaine: Okay, I’ll use an ice cube. Zero calories. I win!
Kramer: You can’t use ice, it’s not a food. Food has calories. So a grain of salt doesn’t count, either.
Elaine: Shoot.
Jerry: Yeah and you gotta use regular silverware found in the diner to cut your portion. No fair using fancy gadgets from Kruger to slice it down.
George: What if I take this toothpick, jab it into a cherry pie and drag a thin line of red pie guts onto the plate? Does that count?
Others: No, you can’t do that!
George: What if I just dot it? That’s an even smaller amount.
Jerry: No, no dotting and especially no double-dipping from you, Mister. Let’s say you gotta drop it onto the plate.
Elaine: What if I order a bunch of glasses of water and put a drop of your tea into that, mix it up and put a drop of that into the next cup and so on?
Jerry: This isn’t a course in making homeopathic remedies! [laugh track] No dilutions!
The others nod in agreement.
Jerry: And you can’t take longer than a minute to prepare your portion. Everyone agreed on the rules?
Okay, I’m ordering a…
How does Act 3 play out? What is ordered and who wins?
Challenge summary: What is the smallest (by lowest calories or by smallest weight) non-dilute food portion possible when ordering regular food from a diner that is non-zero calories and dropped onto a clean plate?