Fortunately I seem to have avoided most disability glurge. The little I’ve seen tends to set my brain on fire and send flames out my ears.
Whoa, Carnick, that was funny.
He does look like an emaciated Weird Al!
Pretty much everyone else has summed it up above- sympathy isn’t compassion and there’s a huge difference.
Also Pity and sympathy both get REALLY old really quick.
And **Hazle **you’re pretty right- the near-deaf also Don’t like getting yelled at either. There’s a difference between someone understanding you have a hearing disability and they elevate their voices and try to speak clearer while facing you vs. having someone yelling “YOOOUUUU POOOOOOR THIIIIIING!” slowly and loudly.
It REALLY gets old quick.
I don’t want sympathy. It doesn’t help me. I surely don’t want pity. I’m not your responsibility and I don’t need you wasting your emotions on me, it’s self-serving, pity is about you and your response, it’s not about me at all. I’m not even particularly keen on empathy.
All I want is a level playing field. Let me live my life, then get the hell out of my way while I do it.
I had a high school English teacher discuss the semantic nuances between “pity” and “sympathy” (in particular, it was a discussion about how audiences tend to sympathize with the protagonist of a work). He said: "Go up to your parents, and say “I pity you!’… Then, if you survive, tell them ‘I sympathize with you’ and compare the response.”
“Sympathize” means sharing a feeling or to be in agreement with a feeling good or bad, “pity” tends to lean more towards the “feeling sorry for” end of the spectrum. I you automatically pity someone who is disabled, it implies that you are assuming they are unhappy and/or unfulfilled etc.
And it can also be annoying when people give you a free pass you don’t deserve. A high school acquaintance of mine has CP and was mostly confined to a wheelchair (note: the guy has always been really athletic), it annoyed him a bit when he got privileges he didn’t feel he had earned because it robbed him of his sense of accomplishment. For example, he played on the high school baseball team (right field). He could stand to bat, but he had to have a pinch runner. It used to piss him off when umpires made questionable calls to his benefit. The guy was a HUGE hitter. He had awesome upper body strength and if he could get some serious contact with the ball he could knock it into orbit. Some umps would call balls when they were clearly in the strike zone, which was unfair to everyone, sometimes made him feel like a cheat, and messed up his stats because he sometimes got (his pinch runner) on base when he totally didn’t deserve it.
And on a more silly annoying anecdote. One Hallowe’en, he was unhappily stuck taking his niece or nephew (or some little kid, I don’t remember), trick or treating. He was clearly too old to be a trick-or-treater and hung back with the other adults who were escorting kids, but people gave him candy anyway. None of the other adults got candy, just him. Feeling sorry for him that way made him feel like a kid. And if only they knew what a little shit he was half the time! 
ETA: Most umps stopped coddling him once they saw him smash a ball deep into the outfield. The regular umps all knew him, it was just the newbies
Pity means the other guy is all “Wow, I’m so glad I’m not you, isn’t it big of me to notice and help out the poor disabled person!”
On preview: What **tumbleddown **said, every word of it.
I’m glad you’re happy, but I don’t think it’s that uncommon after you’ve lived a while. I can totally see a brand-new mom, fairly young, feeling like a baby ought to be ‘perfect.’ But I think that’s kind of an immature attitude really. A ‘perfect’ baby is going to grow up into a kid with ADHD, or get fat, or have anxiety problems, or be totally unable to spell, or develop bulimia, or something. And what, are you going to dislike her then?
Most people feel like “I just want my baby to be healthy” is a reasonable thing to say. I’m not so sure anymore. Because yeah, it’s an understandable sentiment, to want health. OTOH, there are so many things, big and small, that go awry. And really you’re not going to throw the baby away because he’s born with a malformed hand or a cleft palate, and you’re not going to love him any less because he’s deaf or has CP. You’re just going to cope and discover that life is pretty good anyway.
My first daughter was born ‘perfect.’ Of course, 6 months later she developed terrible eczema, and she has severe allergies and my horrible eyesight (sorry kid). Maybe she’d trade the allergies for her sister’s (fairly mild) Duane’s syndrome, which was evident at birth but really is not going to be a problem ever, even though it’s more visible. Well, I suppose it would keep her out of the army.
Sorry, that was all pretty random. But my point is, no one is perfect and we all live on a spectrum of physical issues. Some are just more obvious than others.
When I see them, I always think, “There but for the luck of the cosmic draw go I.”, but I wouldn’t say it out loud within their earshot, after all, words can only help so much.
Food allergies aren’t normally considered a disability but I’ve gotten pity from people who say “Oh, you poor thing - you’ll never be able to taste X”. You know, I don’t go through life dwelling on what I can’t eat, I focus on what I can eat.
Pity is focusing on the can’t, sympathy is… well, it’s acknowledging things aren’t perfect without dwelling on the negative, or emphasizing the negative.
Same this with my clearly disabled husband. We have to deal with limitations, but we focus on enjoying what he can do - which is 99% of what everyone else can do.
What makes me laugh are able-bodied people who say “Oh, I wish I could go skydiving/hang gliding/scuba diving/be in a marching band/some other activity” that my husband has done even if he is a cripple. Often the most limiting thing in life is one’s attitude and beliefs, not the state of one’s body. That doesn’t mean all obstacles can be overcome, but it does mean you can have a wonderful life even if you aren’t physically perfect.
Shaya – Dr Wayne Dyer? I think the point was that the act made the kid feel good. He goes on to relate it to some spiritual manifestation. My mom likes to send me this stuff. I usually watch/read/listen to it once to make her feel better. He goes on to mention in that series that just witnessing a good deed (not sure he was still referring to Shaya at this point) can raise ones serotonin levels.
As to the OP, I think I’d agree with tumbledown too.
Yeah, but it was fake good. It was “pat the cripple on the head” fake good. Also…dammit, we aren’t here as some sort of spiritual lesson for others. Nor are we somehow more spiritually aware or advanced than any other human being. Gaaaaaaa!!!
It wasn’t a video. Forgive me but I can’t bring myself to click that link.
On the other hand, some of the parents I’ve seen of adult disabled folks shakes head sadly Or other parents whining and going on and on about how their kids aren’t “healthy” or " normal" I do think that part of it is being really sheltered with little to no exposure to kids with disabilites. Plus the fact that suburban culture tends to be really superfical and “Stepford”
(think snotty “popular” teen style) can add to that whole “grief” thing.
I’ve been told " Oh you’ll understand when you’re a parent" :rolleyes:
No. I actually WANT deaf kids. It took me YEARS to come to terms with being deaf (especially in this hellhole of a Stepford Wives town) and before I came to terms with being hoh, I had ALL these issues about being deaf.
Then again it seems like a lot of the parents who grieve about their kids being " special needs" are the very same ones who would grieve if they found out their kid was gay or different from the " norm" in whatever way.
There’s the issue. It isn’t the purpose of “them” to make you feel better. Why do you automatically assume disabled people are worse off than you? Human beings are incredibly adaptive and able to enjoy life even in the face of challenges. That cripple you see rolling down the street might be flush with cash with a great job and family. Conversely, the “perfect” pretty boy athlete might be absolutely miserable inside. No cite handy, but I believe they did research that showed disabled people are not any more likely to be depressed than healthy adults.
A certain about of empathy is good. It’s what keeps us from pushing blind people down the stairs for fun, or robbing little old ladies. I need doors opened for me sometimes, and it’s nice when people realize that and help without asking. However, it’s not my cosmic purpose to make you feel grateful. In fact, if you looked at the whole of my life I’m sure there would be some things that would make you envious. Everyone has their shit, everyone has their silver lining. Don’t judge by appearances.
My post was poorly expressed, so I can’t fault you for your interpretation of it, but I should have said I have a tendency to think that, and not implied that it was my default reaction.
Possibly true, but are you saying it is impossible for a person to determine if a differently-abled person is happy with his/her lot, just by looking at them?
I don’t. I save my sympathy for the ones who I’m guessing aren’t living their optimum existence.
I think it’s probably quite difficult to tell if anyone is happy with their lot, just by looking at them. People wear masks, and the mood you see them in isn’t necessarily their usual one.
I know a beautiful and intelligent young woman who has everything going for her. She is always smiling and being friendly to everyone. She does a very good job of looking happy and competent. She also suffers from anorexia/bulimia.
BTW, the term “differently-abled” makes me want to puke. I can’t be alone.
Sort of like I’d rather somebody come out and call me “you fucking midget” instead of figuratively patting me on the head and calling me “vertically challenged” which may have began as a joke but I have actually heard it used in serious contexts.
…I’m not supposed to do that?
Yes, but they don’t tend to do it the other way. People don’t fake looking unhappy. And the unhappy ones are the ones you’re more likely to feel sorry for.
As for me–I separate less between pity and sympathy, and more whether what you are doing helps me or hurts me. I don’t care so much whether you are thinking “There but for the grace of God go I” or “Man, I really wish I could help that guy,” although I’d prefer the latter.
But between the two, I’d rather you be too helpful than not helpful enough. But this seems to be a rarer position than I thought.
Oh, your poor, sensitive stomach! It must be so hard being a reader on this board. :rolleyes:
The phase is objectionable because it pretends that disability doesn’t exist. it’s a form of patronization that the disabled person is so sad about being disabled that the able bodied needs to gloss over the disability.