Disaster! The Branston Pickle factory has burned down!

Yes It’s true – Just about the worst thing that could happen to British cuisine has occurred – the factory that makes Branston Pickle has burned down and will be out of action for a few months.

In short – we’re going to run out.

Over the years I have seen Britain cope with many emergencies such as terrorism, hurricanes, floods and a labour government, and by golly, we’ve risen to the task. This however could be the country’s darkest day since Dunkirk.

I suggest the immediate recall of all British troops from Iraq, as they are needed at home to keep a watch on the Marmite factory and the HP Sauce factory. we couldn’t cope with the loss of these as well.

A State Of Emergency should also be declared.

No other chutney-esque product will do? Is it time for the W.I. to step into the breach with jars or homemade preserves with gingham lids? Maybe you shouold try picalilli for a couple of months.

I’m not a Branston fan, so it’s hard to empathise.

Good God, man. Don’t forget the Twiglets!

In fact the factory that makes Branson Pickle also makes Picalili. This is true.

Dark dark days.

W.I. it is then. Or mincemeat mixed with vinegar should do in extremis.

My mum’s in the WI and is quite handy with a pickling jar - but she can’t make Branston as it contains rutabaga (whatever the hell that is) and you can’t buy rutabaga in Somerset.

You do realise that this means we’re actually going to find out what some foods really taste like?

Lord, oh Lord, where have out Ploughmans’ sandwiches gone?

Rutabaga is American for turnip, is it not?
(Or swede, if you’re a southerner.)
Those root vegetables that are big and round and yellow on the inside, but cream and purple on the outside.
Does it actually say rutabaga on the label? That’s just weird. :eek:

Yes it says “rutabaga” on the ingredients - it seems to be what I would call a swede, and my mum would call a turnip (shes a sweaty) . You can definately get swedes in somerset.

On the radio it said that Branston is sold in the US as a gourmet item and costs £5 a pot. I hope this is true.

See there when I said southerner - I meant a UK southerner, not a US one.
Athough, I don’t suppose there’ll be too many resident USA-ers opeing a thread about Branston pickle. I could of course, be wrong, but I wanted to head off the WTF :confused: posts before they started!!

Seeing as I’m here I’ll post a picture of one, anyway.

Stiff upper lip lad, where’s your backbone? – we survived the burning down of the Hedgehog-flavour crisp factory – we’ll get through this!

Yes we survived - just. But it was a close run thing and not our finest hour.

Also remember when the EU tried to get prawn cocktail flavoured crisps banned (for some trifling reason such as them being radioactive or causing smallpox or somesuch)? That was grim.

Never forget the fate of the Bombay Duck (sorely missed). You cannot take these things for granted.

Perhaps rationing may help? British people like queuing. We’re good at it (not like those continental johnnies)

In California stores, rutabagas and turnips are slightly different. Rutabagas are slightly larger, slightly yellower, and milder.

If emergency pickling measures are enacted, maybe we could petition for a rutabaga air lift - in the spirit of international amity.

I fear that black-market Branston Pickle will soon appear on eBay, or that spivs in trenchcoats will try to sell counterfeit chutney on street corners.

Truly, these are dark days.

This is bad, BAD - how are we supposed to consume mountains of cold meat on Boxing day without Branston’s? - I think a little panic-buying is in order; in cases like this, it’s usually wise to stock up on bread and milk too, just in case.

I’m also prepared to stand guard over the Lea & Perrin’s works, if necessary.

Hold on, owlstretchingtime; did you not just volunteer your mother as an ace pickler. Now as you have unreavelled the mystery of the rutabaga, you should get her on the case. You’d probably get a peerage for your services to the pickle starved populace.
Well, your mother would; you’d be the heir apparent to the pickling peeress.

We need a volunteer guard at the following locations:

Lee and Perrins works

HP sauce Factory

Marmite Factory

Bovril Factory

Colemans Mustard refinery

Crisp factories of all types - especially the smokey bacon plant

Twiglet plant

Bisto factory

Oxo plant.

Have I missed any?

I’m not sure that the output of a little OAP in the west Country is going to be enough for an entire nation’s boxing day supplies.

She’s only got a few dozen of them jars. Some of them already have jam in.

She’s also only got a little car - and those rutabagas are quite space hungry, so she’s going to be going to and from sainsbury’s rather a lot.

She’ll want petrol money.

Pretty comprehensive list, but don’t guard the factory where they churn out ‘Tesco Healthy Living Chiicken flavoured Noodles’ - they taste and smell like wet dog. They can nuke that site from orbit for all I care.

Hellmans Mayonnaise plant?

Yes, rutabagas (Brassica napus var. napobrassica) are a little bit different from turnips (Brassica rapa). They are the same as swedes or Swedish turnips, though.