Disinheriting one child in a will.

In My Humble Opinion
41

No mental illness, isn’t the ‘type’ to join a cult (she has inherited her mother’s cynicism and exasperation with religions of all colours), we have tried many avenues to reach-out, sending messages through friends, mums of friends and friends of friends, all to no avail.

Just last night another daughter found that Mary had posted on a friend’s FB the day before after attending a party in our city…so at least we know that she is living here. Other kid sent Mary a quick message, just asking for a catch-up: at this point there has been no response.
Basically, we’re just one of your garden-variety dysfunctional families. But we’ve always had an inclusive policy. There is nothing you can do, no crime you can commit, no addiction, personality disorder or whatever that will see you permanently banished from ‘the family’. We love you regardless (and I must admit that there have been times when the boundaries have been challenged somewhat by ALL of us…) but them’s the rules of the Buckta Family.

But self-imposed exile is something we’re not used to, and something I don’t know how to deal with. I wonder whether she’s ashamed of us, or whether she just doesn’t give a shit. I wonder whether she’s so self-absorbed (she’s 24 btw) that having to deal with family doesn’t fit her social schedule. I wonder whether she’s hiding some secret that she doesn’t want anybody to know about…it won’t be drugs, crime or mental illness…I’m damned sure her friends would have alerted us if something was seriously amiss.

Anyways, I’ve taken comments from this thread on board, and won’t be leaving her out of the will. What happens though if a beneficiary can’t be contacted? How long do the funds stay in the estate? Can I make a stipulation that if contact can’t be made after X months or years, the residual is transferred to the other beneficiaries? Or does it stay there in perpetuity?

Oh, and MPB in Salt Lake

Y’know, I just got home from a 10 hour shift at my shitty job, and your post just topped off my wonderful day.

No, I don’t have a lot to leave my kids…after spending twenty of my fifty years being a sole parent, feeding, housing and clothing them, buying footy boots and ballet shoes, getting braces and paying for holidays and school camps etc etc etc, there was not a whole lot of money left behind to put into investment properties or time-shares.

I am now trying to make-up lost time…being a middle-aged old broad with few marketable skills means that I am still on the bottom rungs of the salary ladder.

But what I do have, however measly in your eyes, is important to me.

Thanks for making my night complete. :rolleyes:

42

Oh, she’s 24? Then I would definitely *not *go on the assumption that this separation is definitely permanent. It might be - but on the other hand, she may think it is now and change her mind in a couple of years, or she may just need some time out (specially if your family is close and intense) to establish her own life and identity… At 24 a lot of people still aren’t full grownups.

If she were 35, or if this split had lasted seven years instead of two, it’d be different. As it is, I’d be even more reluctant to do something as final as cutting her out of the will, based on a decision of hers that I think it’s too soon to consider final.

43

I haven’t read the other responses, but I am of the opinion that leaving my kids reasonable assets upon death is a general parental job, not a reward for them for being part of my life as adults.

44

Ultimately to write the will you’ll need a lawyer anyway, but your decision not to entirely disinherit her will save the lawyer time and you money.

And, yes, being unable to contact a beneficiary can be a problem, sometimes for all the beneficiaries because it may delay final distribution of the assets. The estate administrator opens an estate, and then closes it when all the expenses are paid and the assets are distributed, so the money shouldn’t sit in the estate indefinitely. Estates typically exist for a year or two if no one is fighting over the assets. It would eventually need to be moved out, so you might investigate establishing some kind of trust fund. Then the question of how long to wait comes up. Estates and trusts both have some costs, so unless the pile of money is so large that interest earnings will cover these, that pile will shrink away to nothing over time. But how long to wait is something I can’t give you advice about.

I can’t tell you anything about making a bestowal conditional, which would be what a time limit would involve. It is very common to say, “Give X to my daughter Z, unless she precedes me in death. In that case use X for this other thing.” I guess a time limit would be similar, but it’s just a guess. You should also have a contingency for what to do if she refuses her share of the inheritance.

45

That is the kind of question you need a LOCAL lawyer for. Most of the responses you’re getting are from the US and thinking in US terms.

And Boyo Jim, if you don’t understand the difference between “seeing a lawyer to talk about disinheriting someone” and “seeing a lawer to talk about the possibilities”, you’re at the very least in some serious need of coffee. “The possibilities” includes things like what I’ve quoted Kam here on, not just “whether it’s possible to disinherit someone” or “how to go about disinheriting someone”.

46

Your argument is simply ridiculous. There is absolutely no reason to talk to a lawyer about the “possibility” of disinheriting someone if you have decided not to disinherit them. First, you decide whether you want to do it. Only then should you spend any time and money to try to make it happen.

Which is what the OP is doing. She’s decided she’s not going to disinherit her daughter, and she hasn’t spent a penny reaching this decision, and she now has no need to talk to a lawyer about if, or how, she can do it.

47

Well, some kids just get their fill of whatever stripe it takes, growing up. Then, one day decide, “No more dysfunction! I’ve had all I care to take and I refuse to allow this into my life now that I am an adult.” I don’t hate my family, but I am done interacting with them because they bring their baggage with them and it upset my life, even though it’s their shit, it’s too hard for me to watch.

It’s only been 2 yrs? And she’s only 24? Give it time.

Once out of the, ‘sphere of influence’, of the ‘garden variety dysfunction’, she may well be enjoying the calming of the waters, in her world. (I can tell you from experience, it’s a pretty heady experience to finally be free of other peoples dramas and traumas, when you are feeling it for the first time.) With time, everything in her world changes; how she feels about herself, her place in the world, how stress free live can be, etc. When she is more confident of her new found calmer world, more secure in it’s permanence, she may very well reach out. But it will have to be, in her time, when she feels ready, I expect. You cannot, in the end, push a rope.

Clearly these are just wild assed guesses, based on personal experience. (Please don’t be offended if I’m wildly off the mark.) I’m really happy you’ve decided not to disinherit one of your children, I think you’ve made the right choice!

48

BTW, an insurance policy isn’t part of your estate and won’t be affected by your will. Insurance pays automatically to the stated beneficiaries, as does any retirement balance. So in addition to a will, you need to keep your beneficiary lists up to date.

Some bank accounts can be made to pay on death to a beneficiary, removing it from the estate and the effects of any will. If there’s no house to sell, this may lower the value of the estate enough to put it below the local probate cutoff.

It’s still good to have a will, though. And if you have a house that needs to be maintained until it’s sold, having the bank accounts pay out automatically may leave the estate with a cash flow problem.

49

I’m glad you are not leaving her out of the will. What you leave you children may not be much compared to others, but it is everything.

You can probably leave a letter with the will that Mary will have read to her or she must take. One last message of love from her mother.

I’m sure Mary has her reasons. Maybe they are not good reasons but to her they matter.

50

Note that the OP is in Australia (I think), so the above statements may not apply there; they are correct in the US as far as I know. In addition, I don’t know if the bank account thing really is “ignored” for probate purposes; I have heard that life insurance proceeds are considered part of the estate for estate-tax purposes (though as you note, insurance goes to the stated beneficiary, not the will’s beneficiaries). Don’t quote me on that, though.

My second brother was estranged from the family for a few years, including writing a very nasty letter to my parents addressing them as Mr. and Mrs. so-and-so. It said that they had ruined his life, among other loveliness. There was little to no contact for years. They were ultimately reconciled before the parents’ deaths. To the best of my knowledge, disinheriting was never considered.

You may consider making your will written in such a way to handle the situation where your daughter doesn’t want to be found - put in trust, held for x years, or whatever, just to reduce the headaches for whomever has to handle the estate.

Oh - and obviously, I hope this is all moot for a very, very long time.