Distancing from your family

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I love my little sister, I really do. She is married with 3 kids (girl 18, girl 16, boy 11). They couldn’t afford to have 3 kids, but they wanted 3 kids and they had them. They have raised their kids to be rude brats, and I love them anyway. They have also always mismanaged their money. They almost lost their house at one point and still the kids got $100 Christmas presents and I don’t get paid back the 3k she owes me. I’m not even sure her husband knows that she owes it. They get themselves in these bad situations that could have been avoided if they raised their kids right and managed their money. And my sister wonders why these things happen to them.

I have thrown a lot of money at that situation over the years. A lot of money, not counting what she borrowed. I have tried to help her save money and live on a budget, but when I say that she and her husband both need to be on board, she says never mind. She and her husband won’t confront someone who treats them badly and they wonder why their daughter was in an abusive relationship. So lots of things like that.

I have never thought this before, but I’m thinking I need to distance myself from my family. I am a child of an alcoholic and super-responsible. I have worked very hard and sacrificed to get myself out of debt and save a little bit. I love my family, but I think they would bleed me dry if I let them, emotionally and financially. I also feel guilty for what I have and I feel this obligation to save them even though I know I can’t. I seem to take on their problems as my own and they’re not. I have tried to have serious talks with my sister but she jokes and changes the subject.

I live 4 ½ hours away and all of the travel to visit is on my end. Years and years of driving there by myself, the gas and the sitter I have to hire for the cat to get her medication twice a day. I have invited my sister to my place for a girls weekend at least 100 times, but there is always an excuse. I’m tired of it being so one-sided, and I can’t believe I haven’t done anything about it until now. I was planning to move there when I retire in a few years. I am rethinking that now.

Has anyone else had to put some distance between themselves and their family? Please tell me it can get better.

2

A good rule concerning loaning money to relatives is to do so only if you have no expectation of ever getting it back. Since you’ve already loaned money out to them, it would probably be best for your peace of mind if you simply accept the fact that you won’t be getting it back. Adopting this mindset will help you in evaluating how you should proceed moving forward with the relationship.

Healthy relationships involve some measure of reciprocity. If you consistently find yourself in a position where you’re the only party giving all the time, then it may well be in your best interests to distance yourself until such time as they learn how to approach the relationship in a healthier and more productive manner. Very often we don’t truly appreciate what we have until we no longer have it, and it may take absence on your part before your relatives come to understand and appreciate what they’re losing by taking you for granted.

3

Thank you, Cardigan. You said exactly what I have been thinking today.

I am craving a healthy relationship with give and take and it just isn’t there with my sister. My 16-year-old niece ran a red light last week and put a man in the hospital. My sister is worried that they will go over their insurance and the man’s son has retained an attorney. My niece has had no consequences, is still hanging out with her friends and they will eventually get her another car that they cannot afford. I wish she could hear how crazy she sounds.

4

Now is the time to step back. And don’t move there!

It kinda comes down to how much you value your own mental health, stable finances and life? Enough to protect them from those who would harm them?

You have kinda taught these people that you’re willing to be an ATM. If you want that to end, you need to act. It will not be easy or pleasant, they will repeatedly react badly and try and try to draw you back in with their drama and neediness. Something you have easily fallen into before. You need to recognize it’s YOU who needs to change here.

I stepped back from my own dysfunctional family and it proved to be the smartest thing I’ve ever done. I came across an adage that helped me. I printed it up and posted it where I would have to see it every day until I truly internalized the wisdom of it. " You cannot help someone, by doing for them, what they should or could, do for themselves. "

It’s called tough love, by the way, because it’s tough on the ones who think they are giving love. Not because it’s tough on the takers.

Decide what you’re going to say when they ask for your money, and then stick to it. Don’t elaborate, provide details, answer questions or to accusations. “I’m sorry, I really wish I could, but my finances have taken a turn, I’m afraid I won’t be able to help you any further. I’ve done all I can now. You’ll have to make your own way, I’m afraid.” Memorize it. Stick to it. Repeat as necessary.

Whenever they cross into offensive, disrespectful, or verbally abusive, get up and leave or get off the phone. Again, no excuses or explanations beyond, “I have to go now.”

You’re smart to have this awakening now, and I think you know you’re standing on a threshold. Having such a moment of clarity is denied to many. Choose wisely, and Good Luck!

5

Cardigan has basically nailed it. You love your sister & her family. Yet you feel like you are being an enabler. Growing up with an alcoholic, I am sure that you know where that leads.

Do not forget that your sister also grew up with an alcoholic. I am not sure what makes some kids growing up in that situation become “super-responsible” and others become super-irresponsible. Some of my sisters are super-irresponsible, while my brother is super-responsible. The rest of my sisters & I are somewhere in between these extremes. I wish I knew the answer to your problem.

My solution to my similar problem is multi-fold; I do not loan money to relatives. Period. I do, at my discretion, gift money at times. I will help you move ONE TIME only. All of my super-irresponsible sisters have used this one up.

Last but not least, there is a reason that I moved over 1300 miles away from my family. This one is the hardest one for me. I do miss out on some of the day to day living of my family. This can be good or bad depending on the sibling & the day. I miss my brother terribly. Phone calls are not the same. Right now I would like to take him out to lunch, that is a little hard to do from this distance. It is tough to be this far away & I knew it would be when I moved. To be clear, I am not complaining, I made the decision to move & for me it was a very good decision. It is just that before you make a similar decision, I suggest that you think it through carefully.

In my case I could not retire anywhere near my family. I will either stay here, or I will move even further away.

In any case, I wish things were different for you & your sister. Before you do anything rash, think it through & be sure that you can live with the consequences.

IHTH, 48.

PS. Elbows has some great advice! She scooped me.

6

http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=801127

Trust me, I understand. Especially what you said about it being a one-way relationship. Every trip, every visit for 20 years has only ever been me, driving for days, flying across the country, hiring pet-sitters, spending $1000’s of dollars to try to keep the relationship going, only to be treated like shit when I’m there.

7

To start with, you will need to put your feet down now and make your stand.
No more allowing them to manipulate you, no more allowing them to make you a commodity.

First you have to accept the bitter pill, they may cease to associate with you, they may get angry at you, they may call you a lot of unnice things.
You have to accept that, dysfunctional irrational people do dysfunctional irrational things.
That is not your fault, you can’t accept guilt for it and you can not change it, they will be what ever they will be.

You on the other hand need to be your self, live for your self, no one else is going to live for you.

I know it is your sister, but based on your short run down, which says a lot, they are an immature irresponsible manipulative parasitic uncaring and selfish lot.
And you are not going to change that.

You already know these things, sounds like you learned them as a child.
“But she is my sister” does not work, it is your life, your health, your finances, your well being, your happiness.
They make their own lot, you did not make it, it is not your job to take care of it.

The whole entire thing is one sided, that is how they want it, you give they take.
Don’t enable them to run over you any more, enough of their terms, everything now exists on your terms.

The money unfortunately i am afraid you will have to resolve your self to considering it a permanent loss because i have a feeling they never saw it as a thing to pay back, just as something they figured they could get out of you.
They know how to play you, now it’s time for you to change the game and change the rules.

Does it get better? Yes, as soon as you stop assuming guilt where you are guiltless

8

This probably has a greater influence on your life than you realize. I read advice columnist Carolyn Hax regularly, and one of the books she recommends most frequently is Lifeskills for Adult Children. It might be worth taking a look to see if it can help you gain some emotional distance from your family.

Whether it can get better depends on how you define better. If better means that your family changes and becomes more like the one you want, that can happen, but it’s not very likely and there’s not much you can do to bring it about. But if better means that you have a happier, less stressful, more meaningful life, that’s something you have within in your power, even if it means sacrificing a closer relationship with your family.

9

I’ve had to do this.

At first, you’ll get a lot of shit from the former beneficiaries of your largesse. They’ll lecture you on compassion, unconditional love, etc. They’ll accuse you of being lazy and heartless. Eventually that stops.

Don’t spend a lot of time overthinking what you’re going to tell them. They’re not going to like it no matter how you tell them. Just say, “I can’t do this anymore.”

Your relationship with them won’t be the same, but you’ll be calmer, healthier, and happier.

10

Thanks so much for the support, words of wisdom and suggestions. One strength I have is that I don’t mind looking at myself or taking healthy criticism. I see my part in this clearly and accept that I let it happen. I know that I may lose the relationship but I am unhappy with the way things are and you all are right, they will not likely change.

Sometimes just knowing that you are not alone is good medicine.

11

We have perpetually needy relatives as well, and as the responsible frugal ones, we occasionally need to field requests for money.

Our answer is always along these lines: “We will be happy to loan you X-thousand dollars, provided you give us power of attorney and relinquish all control of your finances to us – including direct-depositing your paychecks to an account under our control. We will set you up on a spending plan, provide a small allowance, and continue in this situation until we are paid back.”

So far, no takers. :wink:

12

I like this! However, I would not say this, as I am unwilling to take over control of their finances.

Some members of my family might just say yes! It would be less hassle for them & I am the one that gets harassed by their bill collectors. Then when, not if, they quit their jobs for some obscure reason, ALL of their woes, financial & otherwise, are my fault! No Thank You!

13

I feel for you.

I have one sister who is a user (in more ways than one). She’s created enough shitstorms that all of her sibs have cut off contact to one degree or another. Some of us don’t even have or want her contact information. The last time that I saw her was at Mom’s memorial and the next time will be at Dad’s. She will be the one who holds up probate of his will. While she makes more money than most of us, she taps Dad for a “loan” on a regular basis (she knows better than to try her siblings anymore).

It wasn’t easy, but physical distance makes it a bit easier. When all of the effort is one way, it’s amazing how freeing being relieved of the burden of the relationship is.

14

It would also help to actively try and seek new friendships nearby. If you start cultivating friendships now, and use the time and energy for that you would otherwise waste on your sister, you could have made your own chosen family a year from now.