Divorcing your family of origin

In My Humble Opinion
1

Wow, even the title sounds sterile and cold. This is serious. I was emotionally and sexually abused by my father, only NO ONE in my family remembers it, except my beautiful sister and bestfriend who died in May 2012. She was my champion and the only person who understood and the only person in my family (I am the oldest of four girls) now my lovely J is gone. My two other sisters have HUGE serious issues of their own. Lots of ugly family secrets and I am an author so I get to use some of this stuff when I want to…if you are interested see (sinnerfromthesouth.com), my last novel is full of dysfunctional stuff and the molestation of me by my pastor only in the novel I kill him! Yep that happened too, but you know my Mother’s answer to all this is, “You (meaning Me) aren’t praying enough and you don’t have the right relationship with God”.

I am a deeply spiritual person, and I do believe it is the REAL GOD AND THE REAL Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and all the other saints who have intervened and saved me from suicide on many ocassions. I, like perhaps most of you do not care who knows of my past, I am a true advocate of Mental Illness, especially child molestation and child abuse which results in PTSD, and it must have real faces. It must.

My Mother has re-written my entire childhood and adolescent years with “memory problems”, but in truth she cannot face what she allowed my father to do to me. And, at one point when the beating was so brutal, I remember her beating on the outside of the door, “S stop you are going to kill her”. I have tried many, many times to bring it up in conversations with my two living sisters, but they have no memory, and they hate me and call me a liar, a troublemaker, toxic, etc. I have just learned about “scapegoating” and if you aren’t familiar with it, read about it, it helps so much to understand this.

I have been in extensive therapy with a LMNP and a pscychiatrist since I was 18, not the same ones but I have probably seen over 30 different therapists, and now I have a great team who are helping me make this “divorce” happen. It it hard. It is like an addiction. You know, if I just make one little phone call what harm will come from that? And then that phone call escalates from “how are you” to “you are a *ucing liar”, or “you need to be put away in a place for crazy people like you”, etc. etc. I believe our family was being held together by my angel sister who died in May. She had a heart/double lung transplant over 21 years ago and her life was fraught with so many issues dealing with her health from day one after transplant and her husband, D and my Mom got into a huge fight one night in the waiting room and my Mom and D didn’t speak to one another for over 7 years. That was a horrible strain on my sick sister. We had to sneek to her house when he traveled and he did alot of traveling, you know to get away because he couldn’t handle the life he had, two toddlers and a wife who was going to die, but guess what…she outlived her Drs. estimation by 20 years. They gave her one year to live and that little fighter just kept fighting to live, and I was always by her side often ignoring the needs of my own children and my husband of 19 years, (first husband, sperm donor to my four children was an abuser and alcoholic and my children are suffering from their own experiences from him, I was trapped and really sick then, but they are all stable now, at least today).

So when J died, D, the husband suddenly became my Mom’s best friend, he is very wealthy and I will give him this, he took care of my sister with maids, nannies, and a very nice house, but she would have traded all of that to be alive and have a real loving husband.

I know this is long, but please allow me to continue, because I am having a hard time now. So you can stop reading if you want to. My therapist pointed out to me that you never have to forgive anyone who abuses you, and my psychiatrist has told me when a parent becomes an abuser they lose their rights as parents. I believe that now, I wish it hadn’t taken so long. I long to go back, really far back to that little girl who was so brave and adventureous before the abuse started when I was around 12. I long to have the perfect family. I miss my Mother even though she will never change and yes I miss my sisters, but mostly I miss my dearest J. I have nightmares almost everynight because I was alone with her when she slipped into the coma, (her husband NEVER stayed with her at the hospital it was always me). I believe God allowed me to be with her alone, for I cannot imagine what I would have done if I hadn’t been there.

It was a gift to me from God. And I have read that many of you are agnostics or athiests and I am in no way trying to “save” your soul, I am simply telling you that I know if it weren’t from some higher power I would be dead now by my own hands.

I am currently on Saphris, (two weeks, it has changed my life) and although I have tried EVERY anti-depressant out there my Dr. suggested we mix Wellbutrin at 150 SR and a new anti-anxiety, Tranxene? spelling, I have been on Xanax for 15 years and it has reached it’s limit on me, it is like taking aspirin now. I am telling you all this drug stuff and medical stuff because it might help someone out there. So, to all of you who read this, thank you, really I am an author, but I am just writing what comes into my head. I am headed to Al-Anon this week for the first time and maybe even AA to help with my binge drinking for self medication, you know “just one glass of wine” will be fine and before you know it you have drained a couple of bottles.

I am on a journey, and now at 59 I feel like a giddy teenager who has discovered sex for the first time. I do not miss my Mom, or my sisters, I miss the “family”. It is like an addiction, and I miss it, but I am really trying to make it. And I think I can. I think I can. Thank you. Alabama Jane Brown

2

Adopt new role models. Make friends with someone or several someones who are about 20 years older than you are. Hell, just surround yourself with people who like you and accept you for who you are. Look for people who appear to be in healthy relationships and get to know them so you will begin to learn what a healthy relationship looks like.

I was sort of “adopted” by my former roommate’s family. I am still close with his family and see them about once or twice a year. When I think about “what would be healthy relationship behavior in this situation?” I look to his family as role models, not my own.

ETA: NM

Stupid zombie thread. Why do I not look at the OP date first?

3

alabamaauthor, welcome to the Straight Dope. I moved your post to its own thread because the discussion you joined is a decade old. This is of course a topic that new insights and participants can join in, but because a lot of the people are no longer here, it can get confusing.

We call such “resurrected” threads zombies which is what Dogzilla is referring to.

Again, welcome and thank you for sharing your story.

4

Well, the mod gave it a pass, but I for one am confused whether this is a spam post (BUY MY BOOKS!), a proselytizing post, or what.

2013: Straight Dope Year of the Zombie Threads.

5

Absolutely no dismissal of your pain and suffering intended, and I know how phenomenally ugly and twisted family situations like this can get… but I am seeing just a few red flags here.

Is there *any *third-party witness to the abuse you’re claiming? I’ll put it bluntly, forgive me in advance: if you are the only member of the family who recalls this abuse and horror, except for a now-deceased sister you’ve put on a pedestal of being between superhuman and angelic, and counseling and drugs have brought you to terms with it all some 50 years later… is there any possibility that these are created, implanted or developed memories making what may have been an ordinary-unpleasant situation into the horror you now recall?

6

Dear alabamaauthor: I’m also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, although thankfully my mom isn’t trying to rewrite history like yours. I also “divorced” my father in my mid-twenties, and it was the best decision I ever made. The message I took away from my childhood is: if there were a just and loving god, he wouldn’t allow things like that to happen. I can certainly understand why an abuse victim might turn to god… *but *don’t discount your own inner strength and the pharmaceuticals that have helped you recover. And yes, I am an atheist… please respect that and don’t try to Save me.

NitroPress: You don’t need witnesses to prove that abuse actually happened. It is true that the memories may be false IF she only recovered them after many years had passed, during therapy (particularly regression therapy). Lots of regression-style therapy ends up implanting false memories into the patient, usually unintentionally. But whether or not the OP was really abused or the memory is false, she *believes *she was abused and is currently depressed by that. So she still needs treatment. Either way, reducing contact with her family is probably a good thing.

7

To all the kind people who supported my post thank you.
To the people who questioned my abuse, and thought i was “hawking” my novel, i say to you, nothing. I mentioned my novel, because , and if you will reread my post i used my name, for i am not ashamed of my abuse, and abuse like this must have a face, and a name.

You do not know what it is like to walk in another’s shoes. I grew up in a fundamental church where abuse was accepted as what i deserved. And believe me, it has been hell trying to put the abuse behind me and move forward.

This is the first forum i have ever posted in, and i probably won’t do it again. It is very hurtful to hear someone question my abuse, and question me “hawking” my novel, it is a little like selling snake oil for depression. My novel has a story that offers redemption to those who suffer.

Some of you were very kind and again i thank you, you who were not so kind, rethink your life. We are here to help one another and lift one another up.
Peace out.
Alabama jane brown

8

alabamaauthor, you have to understand that this is quite a busy messageboard, is often invaded by obvious spammers, and sometimes not quite so obvious ones. Mentioning your novel in the OP falls under the latter category: as it was your first post here, it makes some of us go :dubious: and wonder whether the OP was a covert attempt to drum up sales.

And we hear all sorts of sad and depressing stories here that often turn out to be complete and utter bullshit. Forgive us for being skeptical until we know you better…many of us have been burned before, and are loathe to invest any emotional energy into ‘blow-ins’ who blow-out just as quickly.

Hang around the board a bit, check out some of the more light-hearted threads, grumble about politics or the environment, give us some cool recipes in Cafe Society even. Make yourself a presence before expecting folks to wrap their virtual arms around you in comfort.

You’re welcome!

9

Fuck your family.

I was not sexually molested but my parents sucked at parenting. It took me some time but I realized I owe my parents nothing. Every time I talked to them it sucked and made me feel bad. I ditched them. EASY. Just stop the madness. Just fucking stop doing what hurts you. Stop. Stop. Stop.

And you know what. Jesus won’t stop it.

Just you.

10

alabamaauthor, just one person questioned the mention of your book, and as kambukta kindly explained, it’s because we see this sort of thing all the time. If this message board is not for you, we understand, but just the same I’d like to reiterate that you are welcome if you’d like to stay.

Ellen

11

alabama - i knew a very pretty teen girl when i was a teen. i had no idea her dad was doing the same to her. one day she blasted him in the hallway with a shotgun (score one for Joe Biden). she was able to claim self defence, but either the molestation or shooting of her dad, took a heavy toll on her over the years. Lost track of her - rumors were she offed herself.

Does God / Jesus play dice with molestation victims?

12

I just googled her name with the city…my memory was correct, i found a newspaper archive from 1981 where she was found not guilty for blasting her dad with a shotgun. I could find no further info on her.

Assuming I am also correct about her killing herself, why does your God / Jesus play dice with molestation victims lives?

13

Right. You’re not the only one on the board who was abused as a child, nor are you the only one who has severed ties with family, but most of us don’t provide a link to our book-for-sale as a first order of business when talking about it. Certainly not as our introduction to an entirely new community.

You would need to establish yourself here for a while before we can reliably interpret your intentions. In the meantime, if it looks like a duck, a lot of us are going to believe it is a duck.

14

OP, the trick to getting people to buy your book is to let them think it was their idea. Don’t even mention it in the first post. Just go ahead and tell them your sob story to garner sympathy, and when pressed for details casually mention that you were driven to write a book about it.

See, if you shill your crap right away people’s eyes glaze over and they’re all “Whatever”, but if you allow them to identify with your plight first without the taint of crass commercialism then they’ll care about your pain.

After that, you mention you were driven to write a book about your traumatic life. Don’t provide a link. If you make them ask for the link like it’s their idea instead of something you were baiting them into, they’re more likely to buy your shit.

Hope that helps, and good luck with your future endeavors.

15

I dropped in to mention having ‘author’ as part of a screen name of someone offering to sell a book often indicates that the book is the main reason for posting.