If you have ever been a parent, you wouldn’t ask that question. After all, given my average financial circumstances and the comments of my children when they can’t have what they want, I’m sure that there are other couples who could offer my children a “better” life. It ain’t gonna happen. Fortunately although I do fuck up now and then, its never been that big to affect someone elses entire life.
You drew that inference, I in no way intended to suggest it. I generally have a great deal of respect for those who adopt children.
I am a parent, actually, to one child and another one on the way. And I still ask it.
I was in no way talking about financial issues. Many people have much bigger problems than lack of money, that might keep them from being good parents. I applaud those who realize that they might not be able to handle it.
I drew no inference. You stated that giving a child up for adoption is cruel, and you stated that birth parents are real parents.
Not to get huffy about adoption or anything, but I have to agree with Sarahfeena here - this is hardly a fair way to describe the actions of birth parents in placing children for adoption. They are not “abandoning” the child - they are doing just the opposite in placing them with parents who will care for them. This is just the opposite of “fucking up” - it is about as responsible as a person who has a child and cannot support a child can be.
And, again, not to be huffy, but it is more than a semantic mistake (IMO) to refer to adoptive parents as being other or less than “real” parents. Obviously, I am biased, but you seem to be assuming that most or many adoptive children are seething with resentment towards their birth parents. This is not, in my opinion, all that common.
And on preview -
Well, I am a parent, twice over. So I will ask the same question.
Ok, Dutch. The adoptee finds their biological parents. Parents are wrecks, or could give a shit less, or are heartily sorry for giving the child away, or are mature enough to understand some things are for the best. Confronting them isn’t going to change any of those scenarios. Confronting them is pointless.
I know who my real parents are. They’re the ones that loved, fed, clothed, educated, supported, and raised me. These things don’t require shared DNA. I’m not deprived in any way. Real parents do all those things and more. It doesn’t take much effort to become merely biological parents.
Sarahfeena, you’re right on.
Dutchman, where are you coming from? Are you an adoptee or adoptor? If not, how do you know how you would feel if you were? I don’t feel any need to confront my biological parents. Why should I? It makes no difference why the put me up for adoption. It has no bearing on how I was raised nor who I am today. What would your “right to know” be based on?
Over the years I’ve observed news programs dealing with the issue of adoption/birth parent secrecy. Secrecy protects the adopting parents rights or the birth mothers rights, but where is the child’s right considered.
I have witnessed many adopted children, and in the vast majority of cases they love and cherish there adoptive parents but have expressed a desire (to varying degrees) to meet their biological parents. I can just understand that.
Perhaps I haven’t been educated eough with a large enough sample.
Ironically, the huge number of laws sealing adoption records (in the U.S.) passed between 1958 and 1962 (as nearly all were) were written to protect the child. The intent behind that movement was to prevent anyone looking up the birth records and declaring that the child was [gasp] illegitimate.
It was only in the mid 1980s when a movement began to make the sealed records a bit more permeable that the argument was turned around to claim that the laws were needed to protect the birth mother. (The father was generally ignored.)
I don’t think anyone here disrespects your opinion that the adopted child has a right to know where he or she comes from. It is your expression of it, which frankly sounded a little bitter and angry, that is off-putting.
Do these adopted people you know believe that their birth parents fucked up, and that they deserve some kind of explanation for why they were abandoned, or is that your interpretation of their feelings? Perhaps they have the natural curiousity that anyone might, and don’t feel the least bit angry about their circumstances, or towards their birth parents.
As I said, I am torn by this, myself. I can understand the desire to learn more, but I also think that there are things about parents that children simply don’t have the right to know. My mother was in her 60s when she found out that her parents “had” to get married. Was her life lacking up until that point, not knowing this piece of information? Were her parents obligated to tell her, to be sure she understood the complete circumstance behind her existance? I would say no to that. To me, adoption is no different. You know you were born, adopted, and raised. What more is there, really? The whys and wherefores are just details that don’t really affect your life, anyway. As dahfisheroo says, what is to be gained?
Adopted kids should have the right to look for their birthparents, they have no right to find them. They also have the right never to pursue a search.
Birthparents have the right to look for their birthchildren, they have no right to find them - they have absolutely no right to look for them while the children are minors - but they can look for the adoptive parents…Birthparents have the right to demand an open adoption upon making adoption plans. In my opinion, those agreements should be (but are not) legally binding on all parties unless all parties agree to change the relationship or rights are removed by court.
Adoptive parents have the right to look for birthparents while the children are minors. Adoptive parents have the right to request an open adoption, or to refuse and open adoption. Once the child is an adult, adoptive parents have a responsibility to be supportive of their children’s decisions, but need to stand back and let their children make them.
All parties involved in adoption should be encouraged to work with a professional during a search and after the results. Searches can be undertaken with very unrealistic ideas of what the relationship will or should be, or that finding birthparents or a birthchild will solve other issues in a person’s life.
As the daughter of an adoptee, an adoptive mother, the daughter in law of a birthmother, and the sister in law of birthchild who did find her family of origin, plus someone who has spent nearly ten years in the adoption community - no, you have no idea what you are talking about. Disappointed adoptees are sort of a self selecting sample (as are other disappointed members of the triad). The people who are unhappy and adopted often blame the adoption - even if that isn’t the root cause (it can be, but the longer I watch people, the more I’m convinced that some people are content, some people aren’t, and the ones that aren’t look for a cause - if you aren’t content and adopted, its easy to point a finger at that. If you aren’t, it must be the way your parents treated you, or that they divorced, or that you spouse isn’t what you hoped, or that you don’t have a great job or…). Those people tend to be very vocal about adoption and their disappointment. People who are content with their lives and their decisions don’t tend to put adoption as one of their primary characteristics, and don’t bring it up unless it comes up. So you probably know many content adoptees that you don’t even know are adopted. Your probably also (because its normal human behavior) project the feelings of adoptees that have expressed themselves to you onto other adoptees. But the ones doing the expressing are the squeeky wheels…
I have a somewhat different perspective to offer. I was raised by my birth mother and adopted at age 4 by her husband. (they met when I was 3, married just before I turned 4) So I have always known that he was not my father, seeing how I remember their wedding.
My birth father does not know my mother was ever pregnant, they broke up and he moved before she found out. It’s a bit of a long story, the gist is that we don’t know where he went, so he doesn’t know he had a child with her. I would very much like to meet him for several reasons.
To let him know he has a child.
To at least have the chance to get to know the person who provided half of who I am.
To find out some of the health history. On my mothers side there are a lot of heart problems, it would be nice to know if I’m getting that from his side too.
Sort of a combo of the above, but basically it feels like the picture of my life is incomplete and this is a large missing piece.
My situation is obviously different from many adoption cases, but I do feel that adopted children should have the right to know their birth parents. One way I could see this working out legally is that when the child turns 18 they have the right to the name and last known address of their birth parents or at the least a way to send them a message that contact is desired.
Do children have the right to know the medical history of their parents and grandparents? I don’t think my parents were under any legal obligation to share their medical records with me so I’m a bit curious.
My father has a very similar situation. His parents met, conceived a child, married and divorced during WWII (the divorce was actually shortly thereafter). His birthfather then moved back home (he’d been stationed in the Twin Cities during the war where he met my grandmother). When my dad was young (six?) my grandmother remarried and my grandfather adopted my dad.
Unlike you, my dad never had any interest in seeing his birthfather. However, 40 years later, my “other grandfather” showed up on our doorstep. My dad is his only child. My dad doesn’t regret meeting him - he turned out to me a much nicer guy than my grandmother (who can be a bitch) ever allowed, and he did get a chance to get those health questions answered (long lived family, but prone to diabetes). But he had a name and city for 22 years of his adult life and never bothered to look him up - we lived about 60 miles away from him at one time and my dad never tried to contact him.
Everyone’s situation is different.
If you do search for your birthfather, I’d recommend using a mediator for contact. Someone else telling him “you have a child from your relationship with XXXXX who would like contact. If you choose to pursue, let me know, if you don’t want contact, they would still like any relevent medical history you can pass on.” There are people who specialize in this.
I actually have been rather torn over the whole topic. Growing up I made a consious effort to not mention that I had a birth father who was not the man I grew up with. I strongly had the feeling that my adopted dad would be upset by me doing so. So it wasn’t until fairly recently that I felt comfortable asking my mom questions about the situation. She told me that they had decided to wait until I asked about my birth father to discuss it, which I hadn’t done for the above mentioned reason. (side note, turns out my mother has a photo of my birth father and is going to give it to me when I go home for christmas. YEA!) While she has very little information, she did offer to help me in whatever way she can.
This coming year I plan to step up my searching and the idea of using a mediator is a great suggestion, thank you. I realize this has turned less into a debate post and a “Russell is rambling about his life” one. I suppose the basic thing I’m trying to get across is that children should have the option of knowing their birth parents if they both wish it.
Antinor, I think MGibson makes a good point and I’d like to hear your response. To take the adoption factor out of the equation… Do you feel you have a right to your mother’s medical information? Would you make an exception in the privacy of medical records? What about the records of her mother?
I pretty much already know the medical history of my mothers side of the family. Aside from that though, yes I do believe children have the right to know pertinent info about their family’s medical history. Seems like that word (pertinent) has been largely missing from this conversation so far. Things like “Was treated for crabs in college” are not pertinent, other things like “Both parents died in their 40s of heart failure” are.
Best of luck with whatever you decide to do. Have realistic expectations for an outcome (meeting a guy who never knew he had a kid is not likely to be a totally and instantly rewarding experience for either of you, if you find him.). Make sure you have someone around who you can talk to through this - and that may not be your Mom and Dad - it may be a paid professional…
I think you’ll find it worthwhile if you don’t set yourself up for disappointment. Even the search will teach you about yourself, even if you never find anything.
I really like the way you stated this (and the rest of the related stuff). It really expresses what makes sense to me–wanting to know more about one’s birth parents/child given up for adoption/ etc. is perfectly natural and normal–not wanting to know more is also perfectly natural and normal, and emphasizes that searching is not the same as finding.
Do you think there should be an actual legal right to know pertinent parts of your parent’s medical records? What if your mother wasn’t forthcoming with the information? What if for some reason she wanted to keep it private? She should be compelled to give it?
