Yeah, I don’t see a 22 year old jobless jr college dropout videogame addict being much of a “catch”.
And I don’t see the daughter finding the sort of boyfriend she would “shape up” for. Depending on how attractive she is, I see her finding the sort of boyfriend who will pick up where the parents left off subsidizing her shit.
I agree that it comes down to enabling. It sucks to worry about money, but it’s a great motivator to get off your butt and work.
Probably at least 90% of people, if they did not face financial or social pressure, would never grow up.
They need life coaches or therapy or both.
This is a bad idea. The days of the military being a giant reform school are over. Recruits today are expected to be self-motivated. We have too many young Soldiers that get through the training phase and then turn out to be duds when they get to the active Army. Then they have legal, financial, and disciplinary problems until they inevitably get kicked out. If he doesn’t want to be in the military, he won’t get much out of it.
As for the real point of OP, overgrown children can grow up eventually, but no outside agent (especially a parent) can nag, harangue, or coerce them into doing so. They have to realize their failures and want to improve on their own.
Or some type of intervention. You and their mother sit them down and tell them that it’s been real, but the tap is running out. If they don’t get a job or volunteering gig (while they continue to look for something) in the next month, you’re removing their bedroom doors, mattresses, the game console, and the car. Once they get a job, they need to pay rent or the same thing is going to happen. No more allowances. No more food. It’s not cute any more and you’re tired of watching them do nothing with their lives.
They don’t have motivation to change. You can keep blaming the mother–maybe it is all her fault. But it’s not going to work unless the two of you are in agreement. If you can’t get her to buy in, then she must be fine with it and nothing will change. But you can cease with your own enabling and tell them why.
Tell them you’re tired of doing and not seeing any results. It’s frustrating, depressing, and very disappointing. If they aren’t moved by your honesty, then I don’t think there’s much you can hope for.
I don’t think telling them your “feelings” will have any effect. Tell them what to do. Clearly. With deadlines. Have your consequences for failure to perform lined up ahead of time. Set boundaries that are clear. Letting them hang out like this is NOT doing them any favors. And they probably feel yucky about it because they know there’s nothing right about it.
My brother was 49 and still living at home when our mom died. The inheritance will probably last him the rest of his life.
They won’t if they’re not given a reason to.
My sister and I was raised by my single mom who at one period of time worked seven days a week to raise us. After High School when she noticed I was flaking out a bit. She told me, now that I was an adult if I wanted to live here rent free I either have to go to school, or if I wasn’t in school I had to get full time job and pay an equal share of rent. Or I was out on my ass. She wasn’t kidding. She told me she’d call the cops if she had too. It straightened me out.
Obviously there’s no consequences for your kids actions. Better straighten that shit out quick or they might end up like a guy I use to know. 42 years old still living at home with mom and dad, quits jobs over the stupidest reasons because he can. Complains when his parents don’t stock the fridge with the right food, him and his six cats have it made.
So true, so true. I have a 52 year old first cousin who is still supported by my aunt. He has been married twice, divorced twice, and has four adult children who moved far away as soon as they could. He’s found many willing females to live with him and support him for varying periods of time. He barely finished high school, works sporadically (meaning a few weeks at a time out of a year) and mostly sits on his butt in front of the tv, watching endless sports.
My aunt bought him a home across the street, pays the taxes and utilities and makes sure he has food, clothing, and gas for his truck (that she bought for him).
His two sisters started working in their teens and have good jobs, husbands and families and also live nearby. Aunt is in her 80’s, taking care of an ill 90-year-old husband. When something goes wrong with her furnace or any repairs are needed, she calls on her sons-in-law or grandkids to come fix things. She wouldn’t dream of calling her able-bodied but lazy son to help her.
She complains about him to anyone who will listen. Funny how that happened, isn’t it?
I have a 46 year old cousin who has been enabled by her parents her whole life. She’s a single mom living in an apartment, and her parents pay for everything… rent, food, clothing, cable TV, vehicle, insurance, fuel – everything. Every now and then she will get a job, only to be fired within a month or two. Why get a job when you always have your parents to fall back on?
She recently told me she was diagnosed as being bi-polar. “I can’t hold a job because I am bi-polar. It is not my fault,” she said. I think it’s BS. She’s not crazy or depressed, just lazy and irresponsible.
Her parents will support her until they’re gone. And then she’ll blow through the inheritance in a couple years. (She’s an only child.) Not sure what she’ll do after that. I’m guessing welfare or disability.
I’ll be a dissenting voice here, but I have no problem with that.
Children of wealthy parents shouldn’t get jobs. They are actually helping society more by not getting jobs. Just be consumers to stimulate the economy, and stay out of the workforce so there are more jobs for those who need them most.
If I had parents like that, I wouldn’t have left home right after high school. The job market sucks. Yeah, if you follow the same career path as a parent, following their expert roadmaps and having them grease the way for you, it’s ok. Maybe you can get by with a non-parent family member’s help, or even a family friend. But if you aren’t lucky enough to have someone like that, it can seem just like spinning your wheels. Working hard for all kinds of qualifications with no clear idea of how any of it will lead to a good job.
If you can afford to never grow up, please don’t grow up. Maybe start a band though.
there’s more to “starting a band” than getting up one day and thinking “hey, I’m’a start a band!” there’s that pesky “can I sing/play and instrument/compose,” for one.
If you’re providing the money and the practice space, you don’t need to be good. The rest of the band can provide the skills. Although, you would also have plenty of time to practice since you wouldn’t have a regular job.
Her laziness and irresponsibility were created and nurtured by her parents. These things don’t develop in a vacuum. A small amount of people may just happen to be internally-motivated enough to get up and away from such parents. But it’s not her fault her parents failed to foster independence in their child.
Not to defend any of this behavior…but the current recession is hitting young adults hard. If you have no marketable skill, jobs are very hard to find. There are many cases of young adults having to move back home, because they cannot afford an apartment. It is getting worse (Walmart recorded a big sales decline). Most of the unskilled jobs are now being filled by illegal aliens, so even babysitting and housecleaning jobs are scarce.
Jobs may be hard to get, but they aren’t rare.
Our mom was not super wealthy. She worked as a lab technician at a local hospital for 33 years. She didn’t buy stuff she couldn’t afford, drove an old car because it still worked just fine, and paid off the mortgage on her house in '98. She wasn’t a miser; traveled to Australia and Europe, remodeled the bathroom. Just modest needs and never tried to live beyond them. She did what all the boring accountants tell people to do; start saving early and let the interest compound in your favor. She put money into retirement accounts and never got a chance to retire.
When I started to handle the estate, I was very surprised how much it was worth. My brother’s desires are even more modest than our mom’s. He seems to be content to eat microwave dinners off paper plates for the rest of his life. With no income tax or rent to pay, he probably has enough money to do it.
Oh boo hoo.:rolleyes:
I suspect the OP isn’t some bazillionare trying to kick his shiftless kids out of the pool house.
Rich or not, the problem when you have spoiled adult “children” who have no sense of responsibility, they become a drain on the entire family. Not just financially, but emotionally as well.
For most non-relatives, they would simply be told to “fuck off” and figure out how to support themselves. Seriously, you get the right to be “talked to like an adult” when you start acting like one.
So the only options are take some poor schmoe’s job or be a passive consumer? You’ve never heard of someone starting a business from scratch and creating jobs? Or inheriting a business and expanding it to create more jobs?
I am really grateful that most rich people don’t share your philosophy.
That’s the whole point though: should someone who can get by without working feel a “responsibility” to work? Should their family feel emotionally drained if they don’t work?
I say they shouldn’t. That “responsibility” does not exist, and in the current economic climate it is probably more beneficial to society if these people don’t work. That leaves more jobs available to those who need them most and slightly cuts back on inequality.
If they can’t afford not to work, obviously that is a different situation.
Sure, starting a business would be great. That is definitely an option.