Hello, I’m Marlin Perkins, here with Jim Fowler. We’re going on a hunt for the elusive Mediterranean Mermaid, and we hope to answer one of the great mysteries of science: Do mermaids have vaginas? Right now we’re off the coast of Sicily, where some mermaid activity has been reported.
Jim here has a bucket of chum, with which we hope to draw in some mermaids. Isn’t that right, Jim?
That’s right, Marlin. Jim holds up a bucket of a strange viscuous white fluid
Er, Jim, what exactly is in that chum?
Sorry, Marlin, it’s an ancient Sicilian secret.
Jim tosses the contents of the bucket over the side of the boat. Almost immediately; a blond-haired, well-endowed mermaid swims close to the surface of the water and begins eating the chum; using a device that looks remarkably similar to a drinking straw
There she is. Isn’t she a beauty? Jim is now going to use his tranquilizer gun and we’ll have her up here in no time.
Jim takes aim with a tranquilizer rifle and puts one square in the mermaid’s large muscle mass. The mermaid starts flailing and screeching, eventually tapering off. She lies in the water in a face-up dead man’s float
Got her! Now, we’re just going to get her with a net and put her on this table for examination.
As Jim begins hauling up the unconscious mermaid, Marlin points toward a table equipped with a set of manacles on the corners on one side, and a large buckling restraint on the other end of the table
Jim designed this table himself, and he’s been working on it for weeks. He’s really been looking forward to this.
Jim flops the mermaid onto the table, secures her wrists in the manacles, and straps her tail down in the larger restraint
Now Jim is examining the lower torso of the mermaid. Wait, he’s found something!
Jim has found a small vent within the scales of the mermaid, and has worked two fingers into it. He spreads his fingers apart, exposing the pinkish interior to the camera. Grinning fiendishly, he unzips his trousers and climbs up on the table
Jim, what in the blue hell are you doing?
Shove off, old man! I’ve waited for this moment for years!
Ah, yes, well. As Jim is violating this tranquilized, bound mermaid, so must you tranquilize, bind and… no… so must you violate… no… God DAMN it, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SEGUE INTO THE DAMNED PLUG FOR MUTUAL OF FCKING OMAHA LIFE INSURANCE WITH YOU PORKING THE MERMAID!?*
unf unf unf I don’t give a rat’s ass, Marlin. Hey, her mouth’s open. Why don’t you get yourself some of that, old man?
I…er…uh… oh my…
turn that damned camera off, Bob, and let’s see if we can’t make this fish watertight.
Screen suddenly goes black, followed by 20 minutes of commercials for Mutual of Omaha Insurance