Just to clarify, I’m not a nice guy and neither is this about me. This has been interesting to me since I’ve been seeing it online on YouTube and other sites.
Apparently a good number of women don’t like “nice guys” because lets be honest. Most of them whether it be due to biology or social conditioning are attracted to males who are confident. A sense of protection is what they go for. Even if it is completely false. Nice guys are often mistaken for being shy and unable to defend women from threats (Note: This isn’t my opinion. It’s just what I’ve read from evolutionary psychology)
But then I think that I as an open minded and deep thinker judging people by evolution is silly. Sure a lot of women might go for the traditional role, but people are individuals. And there are all types of women in the world who would date and marry nice guys. Hope is not lost for them
I think my guy is a pretty nice guy, though not a ‘nice guy’. I mean, he’s not a misogynist, like so many ‘nice guys’ are if you just scratch the surface a little, but he’s not really a fighter, he’s respectful and courteous and a gentleman, he spoils me and pretty much lets me have my way in most things because he loves me.
We both bring our strengths to the table. When he feels strongly about something, really strongly, then we generally do it his way. He is fiscally savvy and very sensible, but if there’s fighting to be done (not physical, that’s childish anyway) I am usually the one to do it. Like if I need to return something, or complain about customer service. He is extremely reserved and I am the social one.
Sure. Almost all people end up with someone, at least for a while.
But from your description of nice guy, the quotation marks are not needed. You’re asking if kind, soft-spoken men ever end up with women. All the time. “Nice guy” implies the kind of person who does all sorts of things for a woman in the hopes that he’ll punch in the proper sequence to make her legs spring open. They’re ironic quotes, there’s nothing nice about it.
But even most “nice guys” end up with women too. Some grow out of it, and some find a women who’s willing to be treated like a sex vending machine in hopes of getting a husband.
Different people mean different things by “Nice Guy”. To some, it’s become a put-down.
But I’m a “Nice Guy” by the definitions we used to use, and I’ve been married to Pepper Mill for 23 years now, so I guess it can happen.
There’s actually a huge difference between a nice guy and a “Nice Guy”. If you’re actually just a nice person, then your chances of finding a life long partner is very high.
Self described “Nice Guys” are the ones other people dislike, because they’re not really nice people. They’re whiny and feel entitled to have sex with any woman they treat in a way they consider nice.
Understandably, it may be difficult to determine if you’re a nice person of a “Nice Guy”. “Nice Guys” tend to have a lot of anger toward women, but in my experience it’s very rare they have any awareness of how entitled and unpleasant they appear to others. But my point is, I don’t believe it’s really a simple matter of people having different definitions, so much as some people sorely lacking self awareness.
At any rate, both types definitely find women that will accept them. Being a thoughtful conscientious person is one of the best traits anyone can bring to a relationship, so of course bona fide nice guys get women. On the other hand, plenty of women wind up with entitled assholes, so tons of “Nice Guys” get women too. They may be the butt of a lot of jokes, but it’s silly to think they never wind up in relationships.
IME as you imply, they often do not realize it. Many people seem to imply that “they are just being nice to get sex” when its more a dysfunctional perception of what women want. People call them entitled when more often than not they are confused. People are attributing to malice what is more accurately ignorance. Plenty of “Nice Guys” really do want relationships.
They are just going through a checklist like this:
I am clean and nicely dressed
I give her flowers
Take her nice places
Tell her how wonderful she is
She doesn’t want to go out with me anymore, why have advances been rebuffed, why does she not want a relationship with me?
The problem is that they are looking at the lack of a relationship as a problem and are seeking the parts and tools to solve the problem.
They see other guys doing these things and don’t realize that there is more to it because the details are not something we share with the world its how you relate when you are alone with them that makes the difference.
Its nowhere near as simple, and they dont realize that the checklist (clean, flowers, dinner, etc_ is just the admission to the game. The rest is how you play.
If the “nice guy” has spine and common sense sure, no problem, but too often being a self professed “nice guy” is code for
“I bought you dinner and drinks… so please, please fuck me”
“I’ll do anything you want for some affection”
“I’m socially clueless and will probably embarrass you”
Any man who actually says (out loud) “I’m a nice guy” to a woman he is considering is either an incipient sociopath on the makeor someone excusing their social awkwardness by being overly solicitous and fawning. Women desiring long(er) term relationships normally want caring and competence in one package. A man who will not set limits is a man who not be respected.
Having said this there is a point - Why You’re Not Married - where women may re-consider their options, but that’s on a case by case basis. If you are not completely socially hapless and have decent hygiene and are not hideous after the age of 30 or so single women are often a lot more flexible in their parameters.
I’m soft spoken, have trouble picking up signals, and have always tried to treat all people with respect. It took a while, but I found someone (or she found me) and we’ve been married for almost 20 years.
A key bit of advice to the OP and anyone else who is open to receiving it:
Guys who are truly kind and respectful don’t have to say they are nice. “Niceness” should just go without saying. Telling a woman that you’re a nice guy is basically telling her she’d be wise to stay away from you. That’s how widespread the Nice Guy meme is. So please come up with a different way of describing yourself.
I don’t know why guys seems to think “niceness” is unattractive. 'Cuz it is not. But like any other trait, it is insufficient all by itself. I don’t know why this is so puzzling to people.
It’s puzzling because that *other guy * gets all the action he can handle and I don’t see what’s so great about him other than his sense of humor, confidence, muscles, financial success, vagina pleasing penis, and being a snappy dresser.
Well, you’re starting off on the right foot by questioning what you’ve read of evolutionary psychology, because evolutionary psychology is, at least based on the ‘‘research’’ I’ve seen, shit science. A favorite kind of shit science misogynists like to use to prop up their poor treatment of women.
Anyhow, define ‘protection.’ There is nowhere I feel safer than in my husband’s arms. He is 5’7’’ and 140 lbs. I have a wedding photo of his then teenage sister sweeping him into her arms and carrying him and spinning him along the ground in celebration. Maybe not your stereotypical definition of masculine, but he’s a compassionate badass. Gentle, kind to everyone, almost always reasonable, so calm in a crisis.
The day he first kissed me, i was 19 and I had a panic attack. i had severe PTSD at the time. We had just hooked up and I broke up with him, sobbing, ‘‘Sorry, I can’t do this.’’ He wasn’t angry. I swear to fucking God, he drove an hour and half to see me, bought me flowers, everything, and here I am rejecting him and sobbing like a child. He pulled me into his arms and said, ‘‘It’s okay. I just want what’s best for you.’’ He stayed with me the entire night, expecting nothing.
It wasn’t a one-shot miracle moment, either. That’s his standard MO at all times. Compassion, understanding, acceptance. Compassion, understanding, acceptance. Over and over. Never fails.
I’m sure some ladies dig the assholes. As for me, I’ll keep my nice guy.
And one has already posted to this thread. (I’m not naming names! Ow!)
Most of the guys I know are pretty nice, and most are partnered. One of my cousins used to work as a bouncer; he’s large enough that even without “puffing up” most dudes would take a look and suddenly sober up*. He may have a mean bone someplace, but I’ve known him since he was born and I’ve never seen him be anything but kind. Even as a little kid, being mistreated by another of a similar size would be more likely to leave him confused than trigger a tantrum. He’s the kind of guy who’ll be very polite while immobilizing an asshole and taking him outside. He’s also married, with a daughter.
Anecdote told at his wedding by a short, small, built former coworker “we’d tell troublemakers ‘dude, do I need to call Mike? he does karate’ and they’d blow raspberries and we’d call Mike and they’d go ‘aaaaaaaah!’ and suddenly remember their manners, and then later they’d ask us ‘and he does karate?’ ‘yeap’ ‘what does he need karate for?’”