Not sure if you’re joking or not (seems to be something in the air in this thread), but just in case you aren’t:
What’s confusing about that? When your wife saw you with your shirt off and went “rahr!”, that was you being “bad boy” attractive. It’s primal attraction. That’s a good thing! Doesn’t mean that you’re not also a nice chap in general. Which is also a good thing!
There is nothing bad about having a bit of “bad boy” about you. It’s excellent. Why on Earth would you think it’s not OK? I’m just saying it goes on the other resume.
Is this really confusing? I mean, I can explain it from absolute scratch if I have to, but I’m not sure if I see the problem here.
It’s ok to be nice, but Martian Bigfoot is saying that those attributes aren’t necessarily going to be attracting women per se. Seriously, a blood donor who spends $5000 a year on school supplies? Who cares?
When I was single I was actually often attracted to schoolteachers. They usually have a kind and caring disposition I find very appealing in women. But even I wouldn’t have cared what she did with her blood or or much money she spent on stickers at Office Max.
It’s great that those attributes are important to him, but you can’t just stomp your feet and demand other people find it arousing.
I don’t know if anyone bothered to read this particular post of mine (where I was just rambling and thinking out loud, so that’s fine) but I want to amend this thing I posted earlier:
That sounded mopey and depressing. I actually meant it to be optimistic and cheerful. So I need to add this:
Plus, because when we get there, we’re on the moon! How cool is that?
Happiness? Nah, not exactly. Relationships are nervous and unstable things for me, that I’m only partly in control of. But I get to have them on the moon!
I’ll spend most of my time on Earth, and that’s where I’ll die. That I’m fine with, and it’s how I want it. But I’m happy to have been to space a few times before that.
Really? How long does “love” thrive without dates, gifts, anniversaries, activities, etc… which require money?
Usually the latter with affection. But I’ve always backed off when given that indicator. Usually though that’s not good enough and breakup city is around the corner because “I” have already crossed the line. I mean problem solving, is that still a thing? I thought people are supposed to be pre-packaged to perfect in relationships (sarcasm).
I’ve had my share of sex. It’s great. But man has it come with a price in my life. You probably have more books than sexual encounters.
Thanks. And thank god for Social-Dance and friends. I can get my touch-feel endorphins without worrying about being psychologically deconstructed and having to have draining emotional conversations at 1 A.M. while getting ready for my job the next day. Sure it looks like people have great relationships. At least on the highlight reels (Snapchat, Facebook, etc). I want to believe. I buck the trend as a male who likes to self-improve. Maybe Women don’t know what to do with that? But you’re right. It’s not about me. I’m fine. In fact I’ve often said that these last three years have been the best and I’d die without regrets based on the life I’m now living. I’m living my life for myself. And it’s awesome? Anyone want to join? I thought not. (Sorry for the bitterness…the tone is venting I know)
Nice guy is just bs. It comes down to how well you can interact with people/strangers to your attractiveness ratio. Anyone who is a legitimate nice person, that also has some people skills, can land a mate despite looks. That’s all there is to it. Now if you’re some introvert, live in your mom’s basement with the social skills of a pure bred horse in Purina’s employee cafeteria, then you’re obviously going to have a hard time even allowing a woman/man to get to know you. Then you have to rely on your looks to draw someone towards you but again, if you turtle in your shell, you’re back to loner’s alley.
Being generous is often good, and being rich makes you more attractive. But if you’re finding yourself constantly buying a woman’s attention, or attempting to, make sure that you’re not either dating an actual prostitute, or treating your date like one. Neither scenario is particularly optimal.
I saw that post; didn’t think it necessarily required a reply. I guess my take is that what we’re discussing is hard, but worth it. A relationship takes work, and it’s not some magical gateway to instant happiness; I still believe that a good one gives back more than you put into it.
I think I can understand where you’re coming from. I do a lot of things that I find fun or interesting (or better still, both). There are a lot of facets of my life that I can’t complain about. But being alone is a bit like walking around with a pebble in your shoe; it’s not the worst thing in the world, but it never quite goes away, and you’d fix it if you could.
Look, I get where you’re coming from. But at this point I’m getting a little bit sick of the whole “if you can’t find a date, that is *obviously *because you’re a mouthbreathing loser with no social skills, QED” shtick. It’s not very helpful.
It’s also fucking insulting, on multiple levels.
One level is the obvious one. But another level: Several of of my intimate partners have been mouthbreathing losers with no social skills. Stop insulting them.
Couldn’t you stop spending $5,000 - $10,000 on your school kids and spend it on your personal life? $400 - $800 a month is definitely more than enough money to have a rewarding and fulfilling relationship. Any woman who wants a man that can spend more than that in a month on dates just isn’t for you.
Honestly I’ve always made a really good living and I’ve still never spent $800 in a month on dates.
Now, hold on there, bucko. You’ve got no call to go making that kind of generalization about someone you haven’t met. There are all kinds of cluelessness in the world, and you don’t have to be brain-dead or raised by wolves to suffer from them.
This is an entire thread about guys who lack social awareness and can’t read other people well at all…yet you’re actually suggesting that it’s impossible for a woman to have the same problem?
Or maybe you think it’s just impossible that a woman hot enough for a man to want to date would suffer from that…? :dubious:
Robot Arm, I believe you. Some people just buck the curve.
Umm…I have three incomes. Musician, and private music teacher plus my regular day job. I make it all work. There’s lots to go around. In fact this year I’ll have taken five weeks of vacation.
When I spend money on my career, it gives a return. I buy things that can benefit me as a musician as well as a teacher. Dates don’t work that way so much, Hence the frustration. Besides… If I don’t pay I’m cheap, if I do I’m buying affection. Can a person win?
I have hacked my life through social dance, fitness, family, etc. The only thing I don’t really have is a deep personal and physical intimacy. But I have lived without it. So maybe it’s time to walk barefoot. Kenyan runners do just fine.
Nope I don’t buy attention. But whatever choice I make (to buy a gift, dinner…or not) I am scrutinized. That’s the problem. Being micro-analyzed for ill-intent. You see, I was once given advice…if someone gives you a compliment, the best thing you can do is simply say “thank you”. What has happened to that? Why is it if I want to treat someone well…it’s not met by a “thank you” but by a “wait…what is his real agenda?” Cue a later conversation about the relationship not working. This is what I mean, my intention is good, but it’s not viewed that way.
It’s sooo frustrating. Why bother? I’ve had sex, good sex. It’s off the bucket list. I’m independent. Why should I care? Let a woman chase me for a change.
I’m talking about the $5000-$10,000 you specifically said you spend on your school kids when you were listing your nice guy bona fides. Not money that benefits you as a teacher or a musician. That’s a lot of money to spend just helping out kids.
Your social life deserves some attention too. Going out on dates and having fun with women might not pay a financial dividend but it can reap some amazing benefits for your life. Aside from the companionship having a partner provides, you can have your own kids.
Not to be a dick, but it’s because you have an agenda. People pick up on it.
It’s fine to have an agenda, BTW. It’s not necessarily fine to have a *hidden *agenda. Or at least some of us aren’t having much luck with it.
Experiment: Try treating someone well without actually having an agenda. Choose someone that you really don’t want to fuck, it makes it easier. Be genuinely interested in them. Complement things that they are actually good at, or in some way genuinely deserve compliments for. Notice the difference in reaction.
Your intention is getting laid. Also, to find love and companionship. And there is nothing wrong with that! But it’s probably better to just be clear on the fact that you want to get laid, and find love and companionship. And then compliment people on stuff they deserve to be complimented on, not as a way to make them want to hook up with you.
Most people like an honest compliment, that fits the context. The other kind, maybe not so much, necessarily.
(We’ve sort of been touching on this subject already, BTW. There’s some good reading material upthread.)
I appreciate the backup, but I’ve also said that it was my issue and not hers, or maybe a bit of both. She managed (a few times, at least) to pick up romantic signals from other guys; I just wasn’t sending them.
OK, if we’ve tentatively established that there are nice guy resumes and bad boy resumes, I hope Robot Arm won’t mind me dissecting the list he posted earlier.
I’m learning the guitar,* - Bad boy.
took a ballroom dance class, - Um, I don’t even know. But I think nice guy.
I curl, - Curling as in this? Geek. Also, nice guy. Sports is usually bad boy, but curling isn’t a sport.
lived in Europe for three months, - Neutral? Sorry, but probably not that big a deal. Multiple years may add to your cool factor. Unless it’s Switzerland, in which case you’re SOL.
built a robotic Etch-A-Sketch, - Geek. But *very *sexy.
*sailed on a tall ship to the West Indies, * - Bad boy. I think.
*and make the best oatmeal cookies and apple pie you will have in your entire life. * - I’m not sure. But now I’m hungry.
OK, that didn’t work out perfectly. But still: I think we may have a potentially useful dichotomy here.
