If anyones nice to me I kill them. the sneaky bastards, and I’ll bet they’re foreigners,cunts.
Given that I have a wide cynical streak, a moderately foul mouth and a bit of a devious side I tend to assume that people I meet will share those traits to some extant. Running into a person who is really and truly nice takes me a while to get used to. I wouldn’t say I’m suspicious of them, but I tend to not believe that they are for a while. Once I believe they really are a nice person, my evil side always wants to corrupt them. 
I’m not a very social person but I’m nice, and I’m awfully patient and forgiving, maybe even a bit of a doormat. Sigh.
Anway, I went off on a guy at work once, and he resigned a few days later. A co-worker said “He knew if he got Pam pissed enough to confront him, it was time to leave.”
Most of the nice people I know are pretty balanced. They care but not so much that they’re taken advantage of.
My default assumption is that my overly nice patients are psychopaths until proven otherwise. But then I work in a maximum-security prison.
But outside of work, I’ll take niceness at face value and be grateful for it.
I agree with this. As an aside, it seems to me to go along with perkiness in people. I’ve also met genuinely nice people who are genuinely perky, and I appreciate someone like that.
I’ve also met people who are “fake” perky, yet it is so obviously a facade. To me they seem to fall into that “nice with a motive” category even if the motive is so simple as that they want to be viewed as nice and perky by the world when they are truly not. These people annoy the hell out of me.
Both could be true. I actually care about people AND I really want to be liked.
I’m confused. Are we talking about people who are nice and selfless, as per the title of the thread?
Or people who are trying to please everyone? Or overly perky people?
I don’t mind being around selfless and nice people, not one little bit. I admire selflessness in others quite a bit, in fact.
I don’t care to be around people wanting to please everyone because they need to be liked. Needy people really wear on me after a while.
Overly perky people are okay on a good day but get on my last nerve if I’m in a funk.
…sigh…
What if being nice to others, including strangers, is an objective for which you strive for ethical or religious reasons?
What if you found that when you are nice to people, they tend to be nice right back to you?
Is that bad? Is that a devious underhanded ploy to manipulate people for nefarious purposes?
The hugest culture shock for us when we moved to Calgary was the often ridiculous extent people would go to help out total strangers. From strangers donating containers of winshield washer fluid in a parking lot, to a roofer using his pick-up to bring 10 4x8 sheets of PVC lattice to my house from Home Depot, even after he had worked a 12 hour day, to someone getting off the train to walk a newcommer to their destination, even if it’s 3 stops from where they were going. It’s been mind blowing, and a humbling experience. Now, I try to pass it forward. In 20 years of living and working in Montreal and, to a lesser extent, Toronto, nothing like that has ever happened. I hope the flood of newcomers to our city won’t dilute out this wonderful trait.
[mini rant]
But I am tired of kindness, consideration, or cheerfulness being regarded as somewhat suspicious and potentially covertly hostile. I suspect it may be related to the “relativist” or cynical perspective that there are no such things as good and bad, right and wrong, but rather merely competing selfish interests. There *are *people who strive to be nice, for the sake of being good alone.
[/mini rant]
All of you nice nancies–fuck off already.
Ok, that was a bit harsh. I find overly nice people irritating, but not as irritating as overly rude people. Chipper/bubbly folks I would like to shoot in cold blood–it’s exhausting being around all that bon homie. One thing I cannot stand is someone constantly looking on the bright side. God, you don’t have to dwell on the bad side of life, but not everything has an upside, you know? People who smile a lot, but seem to have no reason to smile (whether because the situation doesn’t call for smiles or I know something of their life) strike me as false on some level, so I tend not to trust them. I trust in common civility and courtesy, not lil beams of sunshine.
People who desire to be nice out of a religious motive are the worst. I don’t want your prayers; I don’t want your outreach; I don’t want your patronizing sympathy wrapped up in a cloak of smug sanctity. How about you respect my pain or my sorrow instead of trying to spin it into some God loves you/footprints in the sand bullshit?
Sorry I’m so harsh, but I’m tired and this has hit a nerve.
OMG, yes. I know a person who actually fits both. Very very sweet, kind, and generous. The kind of girl your mother would be glad if you brought home for dinner.
But ask her anything that relates to pop culture, politics, or anything else beyond her immediate job description, and she’s at a loss for words.
Except when it comes to being snarky behind people’s backs. We’ll be walking down the street together and she’ll whisper in my ear, “See that woman over there? How fat and ugly can one person get?!?” People who meet her would never guess that she’s got such a mean side.
But to go back to the OP, “suspicious” isn’t exactly what I feel when I meet such a person, unless there’s something clearly smarmy about them. But I usually don’t feel comfortable in their presence. I’m not a mean person (I don’t think), but I’m not always chipper, sweetness-and-light either. I prefer people who understand how it is to be this way, and many chipper people don’t. They assume something’s wrong with you just because you aren’t wearing a dolphin-like grin all the time, and they try to get you to do “fun” stuff that you don’t want to do (Let’s go out drinking after work! I won’t take no for an answer!!") I just get along better with other low-key people.
I think one of the most valuable things a person can learn in her life is how to console a troubled person:
These are horrible expressions:
Look on the bright side.
Think of all the people who have it worse than you.
It could be worse.
You still have your health.
It’s not the end of the world.
It’s not that bad.
Smile and you’ll feel better.
These are better:
I’m sorry you’re so upset.
If you need anything, let me know.
When __ happened to me, I did___
If you need to talk about it, I’m all ears.
That really sucks. I hate that it happened to you.
You have every right to be upset.
I don’t care if the person is a giant yellow smiley face, if they respond compassionately to other people, I will make them my best friend forever. But if I ever hear them belittle someone’s pain, I will treat them like the enemy they are.
You have just described my SIL. And the snark–whoa. I’ve heard her and MIL rip into an elderly family friend (not in her presence, of course). So much for all that sweetness.
I hate this. You cannot jolly me into a better mood. I try very hard to not show my more negative side/mood in public/at work. I succeed most of the time. But I see no reason for a manic grin on my face 24/7. Insisting on" mock" chastising me for not acting happy every minute just makes me lose respect for you; it doesn’t improve my mood at all. There was a nurse I used to work with–lovely person, good nurse, but every time I frowned (usually trying to think of something or I was distracted), she’d say, “what’s wrong?”. Drove me nuts. I ended up avoiding her, which was too bad, since she was nice and all.
ETA–you are so right, monstro. The first list really denies the hurting person’s feelings. The second one is much more empathic. And maybe there IS a bright side, but the person isn’t ready to see it yet. It’s like at funerals–just say you’re sorry for their loss. Much of anything else just digs you a hole…
Auggh. Sing it, sister. Inappropriate, Pollyannaish good wishes can just make things worse. Several years ago I took a beloved elderly cat named Leela in to see the veterinarian because the cat was having nearly-constant seizures. It turned out that the poor thing had had a stroke, and the vet did not believe that recovery was possible. I agreed to have Leela euthanized. I stroked her fur and spoke to her soothingly as the vet injected potassium into her heart.
As I left the room, cradling the lifeless body of my pet, a young veterinary technician chirped “Have a nice day!” :smack:
I think you’re a bit out of line here, eleanorigby, and you seem to sense it too. How can you demand respect from people on whom you heap contempt and scorn? It also looks like you are saying you know what they’re thinking & feeling. Someone being kind to you is by default smug, patronizing and condescending if they happen to be religious? Perhaps you feel they are judging you because you don’t share their convictions.
I can understand that it can make you mad if they’re clumsy or awkward about trying to comfort you. I don’t know what happened in your particular situation. There are certainly more wrong times to witness than right, and when someone is both hurting and not wanting to hear anything about religion is certainly a wrong time. Trying to comfort someone who is not already religious with religious ideas is completely missing the boat, like talking in a different language. Also, way too many people try to give a quick fix when what is needed is empathy, listening and a box of Kleenex. And trying to deny the depth of your feeling can antagonize anyone. Adults frequently make that mistake with kids, thinking that small childhood stuff can’t produce really serious feelings.
But at least they are trying to help. They are trying to spend time and effort to console you, instead of letting you stew. That’s gotta be worth something.
On a related note, here’s one of the cardinal rules of newspaper delivery boys (did it as a kid in the 70’s):
Never trust a nice person with a mean dog
I don’t think I’ve met an overly nice person in over twenty years.
Ever since I started maturing into adulthood, I’ve appreciated people who are doing their best to be civil and thoughtful.
Of course, I have very low tolerance for being around people at all, which probably saves me from a lot of interaction with objectionable types.
Oh, well, I stand properly castigated. Shall I abase myself to you now so that you can go back to a world of rainbows and hearts? I posted about this with “contempt and scorn”–that doesn’t mean I treat people like that in RL. I feel contemptuous of people who say stuff like, “well, at least you don’t have cancer.” or “you have a roof over your head; think of all those [insert 3rd world country here] etc”.
Who said someone being kind is by default smug and patronizing and condescending? I said I can’t stand them and their version of “help.” Religious people can be and are( by and large), smug, patronizing and condescending. Having been an active church member for more than a decade or two, I can say this with confidence. Judging me? You bet they are–they judge as does everyone else on the planet. They just deny that they do so. Funny how there’s more gossip in a church than outside of one. Funny how if you (general you) do open up and admit to something, you can be subtlely punished. Funny how a psychotherapist who is married to a pastor counselled me to NOT mention X to my pastors or anyone in the church. Church people speak of “troubled paths” or “I hope you find your way”–sincere sentiments, but what is meant is “get back in line with our thoughts and behaviors; you’re making us uncomfortable with yours.” Why not stand up next Sunday and say that you have decided that Jesus is not the way for you and you’d like to explore oh, Wicca. See what happens. See what happens when you don’t dress appropriately for church or don’t stand when everyone else does etc.
I bring all these things up, not because I have done them or want to, but to demonstrate that what you consider to be open, caring and accepting may not be, if the self-imposed group limits are challenged in any way. (and just to be clear: not all church people are like this. But a significant portion of any congregation is. Why would they be any different from the rest of us? Because they’re Christian? That’s prejudice–people are people. Some may be striving to be better people and I wish them all the best. The rest can go hang).
There is no “situtation”. Don’t think for a minute that I posted here out of anger. I did post some harsh stuff and I did apologize for it, but I was apologizing for not taking the time and effort to find the right words. I am not standing here, hurting from my mistreatment in the hands of the church. I was commenting on the OP’s post re self-less seeming suspicious to you. Yes, they do for the most part–adn religious ones most of all, IMO. “Out of line?”–you make me laugh. And you say that religious people don’t judge. Wow. See above paragraph.
Oh, gah. Stop it now. There is never a good time to witness–the arrogance palpable in your statement makes me gag. Who are you to tell me anything about God? What do you know of me? What do you know of God? (I’m asking you, and I’m referring to the hypothetical hurting person who is confronted with a someone sanctimonious and righteous). If anything, your faith should humble you enough to know that you are playing with fire and should never enter into a prosletyzing role without great fear and trepidation. [Spongebob voice] He’s your bestest friend in all the world![/Spongebob voice] Ugh.
And yet, these same people, who claim to know so much about God and spiritual matters are the exact same ones who often display no empathy, who are tone deaf to hurt, who only care about garnering souls like scalps to a belt. Christians don’t get a pass–they get one from Jesus (supposedly) but not from the rest of us. What is so hard to understand about this? You’re not special because you profess to any religion. You are just like the rest of us, no matter your religion.
No, it is not. That is my point. It can cause more pain, more hurt. I think that most of us can distinguish between a sincere, but awkward, attempt at comforting and a false, honeyed tongue. Statistically, the genuine bumblers are rare, IME.
Who was it that said that the path to hell is paved with good intentions? I, and most people, don’t want your specious sympathy; no one does–we don’t need that burden.
I am a sympathetic and empathic person in RL, but I am rabid about this topic. I have seen too many people hurt by the stupidity of others. I have seen too much sweetness that turns to bile in the mouth. Adding Jesus to this just exacerbates the phenomenon. I’d rather avoid overly nice people than try to adjust to their needs (which can be legion) or act as their new “project”.
This has been my experience for the most part. I do try to be kind and friendly, and I find that, for the most part, people are kind and friendly back. When they’re not, at least I have the satisfaction of knowing they didn’t make me lose my cool.
I try to focus on the positives, because it’s an outlook that works for me. I wouldn’t tell someone in a bad mood to cheer up, and I never discuss religion with people I don’t know very, very well. That’s just rude.
Sounds like someone needs a hug. 
<pounds nd_n8 on the head repeatedly>
I am being a bit intense in here. But look on the bright side! You’re not me! 
burundi–you are absolutely right. Kindness seems to beget kindness. And thank goodness for that.